11
The Games Couples Play
How do you spell T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R-N-E-S-S?
The Dude and I love to play games with one another.
Chess, Scrabble, Backgammon, Spit, Poker, Rummi-Q, DJ Hero, and Guitar Hero….once our little guy is the down for the night, we let the games begin.
Once the Monkey came into our lives, the Dude and I needed to find fun activities that we could do at home that were both fun and stimulating [insert requisite sex jokes here]. Yeah, sure, that can be fun…but I’m talking about something we can do every night [insert more requisite sex jokes here]. No, that just ain’t gonna happen.
On the nights when we need a break from our regular TV viewing, we settle in for an evening of challenge and competition. It’s all in good fun though since we tend to laugh ourselves through most games. Unless it’s Scrabble. Because then things can get ugly. But that’s just what happens when you marry an Ivy-league lawyer who majored in Rhetoric. He knows more words in other languages than I know in English. Sad, but true.
Before the little guy came into our lives, our definition of fun was going out to dinner multiple times a week, cooking together, spending time with friends, going to shows, and traveling at a moment’s notice. Those are still fun things for us, but we just don’t have the opportunities to do them as much as we have in the past. When the majority of our nights are at home with a two year-old, the definition of fun has to broaden a bit. Spending alone time together was never considered the luxury it has now become since the Monkey was born, but we try and make sure every minute counts.
It wasn’t easy to get to this point. (continues…)
21
Don’t Pity The (Other) Woman
After I wrote my blog post this morning about John Edwards, my thoughts kept turning to the other person responsible for this situation.
The Other Woman.
Or perhaps we should just call her “Mama.” There is a little girl out there who does.
Why would someone become involved with a married person? I have some ideas, especially when the married person in question is powerful and wealthy. But, whatever the reasoning (or lack thereof), it is usually a situation that will only result in heartache and stress. Or, in this case, a child that didn’t have a father for two years.
I don’t respect women (and men) that sleep with married people and I certainly don’t pity them when the situation becomes disastrous. As is often the case, potential consequences are rarely considered or simply ignored. There are various reasons why married people cheat, but it’s not usually because they are looking for love or another long-term commitment. If that were the case, they would have probably ended their marriage already. Long-term love or partnership is rarely the end result of cheating. Why? There are two reasons: one is because the majority of cheating spouses stay with their partner and the other is that affairs that begin based on secrets and lies usually end the same way.
Some people may view Ms. Hunter as the victim in this situation. Here she is, the single mother of a child whose father denied her for the first two years of her life. It’s certainly a sad situation, but a situation that she helped create. So no, I don’t feel sorry for Ms. Hunter. The only people that have my sympathy are the family members who became involuntary entangled in a web of deception and abuse of trust. And, of course, this especially includes the child borne from these circumstances.
Let’s just hope for the sake of their child, that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter can finally make some decisions based on truth, loyalty, trust, and commitment – to be the best parents possible to their little girl.
21
You ARE The Father! So Act Like One.
As a politician, John Edwards used to have my respect. And I say the same thing about him being a man.
It was so nice to see Mr. Edwards finally come clean about being the father to Quinn, his 2 year-old daughter with Rielle Hunter. He spent the first two years of her life adamantly denying paternity and, subsequently, denying his obligations to his daughter. If only Maury was around as soon as she was born.
I take issue with men like John Edwards. I say to them, step up and BE a man. Be a father. The circumstances of a child’s birth are not their fault, so don’t treat them like the big mistake you may believe them to be. No career or marital situation, whether it’s in the public eye or not, warrants the denial of paternity. If you choose to behave inappropriately by cheating on your wife, then understand that there will always be consequences. And as John Edwards has learned, some consequences are more life-changing than others.
John Edwards lost the first two years of his daughter’s life. When she is old enough to understand the lies surrounding her arrival into the world, she may or may not forgive her father. That will be her choice. But, for now, it’s time for Mr. Edwards to make up for lost time and be the responsible and loving father that his daughter deserves.
12
Big Brother (Part II)
A few months ago, I wrote about my internal debate about whether or not to make the Monkey a big brother.
The debate still rages within.
I have never been so conflicted about anything in my life. Ever since I decided to become a mother, I assumed that I would have two children. No more, no less. My reasons for not wanting more children may be considered selfish, but they are still valid reasons nonetheless.
I don’t want to be pregnant again. It was an incredible experience to be pregnant but it wasn’t necessarily enjoyable. Simply put, the lack of control over my body was an unpleasant experience. This may have something to do with my OCD tendencies, but I think a lot of women feel this way with or without acknowledging it. I felt the same way about breastfeeding for nine months. For 18 months, my body belonged to another human being. Now that another 18 months have gone by in which I’ve had complete control over my body, I’m not so sure I want to rent it out again.
I enjoy sleeping again. I enjoy having personal time for myself and time for the Dude. Getting time for myself, let alone with my husband, is a luxury. Infants and toddlers tend to put a marriage/partnership on the back-burner when it really needs to be a priority. All marriages/partnerships suffer when children come along and there is a big part of me that doesn’t want my marriage to be affected any more than it has already. Introducing children into your world can be the most beautiful thing in the world, but it can also create a huge strain on family dynamics. (continues…)
28
Mental Monday: My Grandparents’ Guide To Love
My grandmother is dying and it is not known how much longer she will be here with us. It could be days, weeks, or even hours. Up until last night, my family was very confused about what was going on since she seemed perfectly fine a matter of days ago. But the onset of her illness came on very quickly and unexpectedly. My grandfather knew it was bad before any of us could wrap our heads around it. He told us that she was dying before we received any type of confirmation from medical doctors.
No one knows you better than yourself, unless you’ve been married for as long as my grandparents.
Theirs is a love story that spans 70 years. She is 88 years old and he just turned 90. They lived together for nearly 68 years, up until a matter of days ago. They were rarely apart. Now she lies in a hospice bed, exhausted and weak from the dying process. My grandfather visits her, holds her hand, kisses it softly and tells her he loves her. He calls her “sweetheart”, a term of endearment I’ve never heard him call her before. He is very gentle with her, even when she asks him to go away. He won’t go away. He never has and he never will.
Their marriage is far from perfect, and some have even questioned how they managed to stay together so long…including me. I would see them fight. I would see my grandmother in tears or my grandfather’s frustration and anger. But I also saw a very fierce love. It is the type of love that only comes from years of practice. They didn’t always get along, but they always loved each other and respected one another. They love sharing stories with one another and bring up many fond memories of the past. They often talk about how they met, share stories of raising their two boys, leaving New York for California, and all their travels and adventures. They love talking about their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. In essence, they constantly remind each other of all the things that brought them together and kept them together over the seven decades of their life together.
Too many couples forget about the good things that brought them together in the first place. They ignore the things that are essentially the glue to their relationship and the roots to their foundation. It takes years to cultivate a truly deep connection and commitment. It takes work and practice. Far too many people throw in the towel when it become too challenging. If you ask my grandparents, they would tell you that it’s the challenging stuff that really makes you love and respect your partner. When it’s too easy, it’s simply boring.
A few months ago, I asked my grandmother how she managed to stay married for so long. What was her secret? She replied, my feet get too cold at night and I like having grandpa in bed to keep them warm. I laughed when she said that and found it very endearing at the time. It’s only just recently that I have come to the realization that there was actually a deeper meaning to her humorous quip. The best kind of love, the deepest kind of love, is when your partner is simply there for you when you need him or her the most. The challenges, the joys, the tears, the laughter, the warm days and the cold nights – these things are meant to be shared with those who love us. And the best love is the love that endures through all of it.
My grandparents’ love story is not over. It will always endure, even when they pass away. It is a story that is meant to be remembered and passed down to the generations. In a time when marriage seems to be as disposable as the paper used to sign a prenup agreement, theirs is the kind of love story that is truly valuable.
I should only hope to be that fortunate.
Comments have been turned off for this post.