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Relationships

Come To This Park Often?

While at my neighborhood park the other day, I started chatting with a mom while our boys played together on the playset. This isn’t unusual for me since I tend to strike up conversations with other parents at the park, especially if our kids are interacting together. I’ll exchange a few pleasantries, chat about the kids, and then go on my way. Maybe I’ll see them again, but often I don’t. It doesn’t matter much to me anyways.

But this time was different.

This mom was really cool and I liked her immediately.  We simply had one of those conversations that just *clicked.* Within a matter of minutes, we learned a great deal about each other and discovered we had quite a bit in common. I felt a connection and wanted to get know her more. I could tell she felt the same way, too. But, then the Dude arrived at the park to surprise the Monkey and, after an introduction and a few more minutes of chatting, she turned away to run after her boys and we started getting ready to head home. I didn’t quite know how to approach her after that, so I left without getting her digits.

I learned something that day. Picking up on other moms is hard to do.

It’s one thing to meet new mom (or dad) friends at playgroups, sports, lessons, or through school, but how do you ignite a friendship with someone you just met and connected with…but have no way of knowing if you’ll ever see them again? Is it weird to ask for a number or e-mail address (or offer your own) in a matter of minutes? I don’t have much, if any experience with this sort of thing. Nearly everyone I call a friend just somehow became a part of my world, mostly through regular interactions at places like work or school or through mutual friends. Between my real life friends, acquaintances,  and online community of blogging buddies, I don’t actively look to expand my social network.  But, just like when you’re looking for romance, friendships can often be found when you’re least expecting it.

I have a new appreciation for the men and women who are confident and brave enough to ask someone they just met for their information. I’m sure they fail at times, but I’m certain they ultimately succeed as well. And what’s the big deal if someone says no, right? At least they took a chance and asked.

I think I missed an opportunity to become friends with someone I thought was really cool. I hope I see her at the park again one day. And, if I do, I’ll make sure to take a chance.

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Mental Monday: Just How Badly Do You Need That Drink?

As I mentioned in a blog post a few weeks ago, April is Alcohol Awareness Month.

That blog post was about the importance of talking to your children about alcohol and I link to a great website developed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Now I want to take this discussion even further and dispense a little more information about alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, and alcohol facts, in general. Why? Because there are millions of people affected by alcohol everyday, whether it’s due to their own alcohol problem or because someone they love has a problem. The U.S. has one of the highest rates of alcohol abuse and dependence in the world and most people know at least one person who has a problem with alcohol. People with alcohol problems need help. It is not something that can be cured on its own without treatment and support. It is something that needs to be recognized and addressed. Treatment for alcohol abuse and dependence is imperative, not only for the health of the person with the problem but for everyone else in their life as well.

What is Alcoholism?

I don’t use the term *alcoholic.* The term *alcoholic* is not a medical or legal term. Instead, I use the terms *alcohol abuse* and *alcohol dependence*.  Both can easily be lumped into the term *alcoholic,* but there is a difference:

Alcohol Abuse is the compulsive use of alcohol, using alcohol in excess and during substantial periods of time, planning and thinking about it often, and continuing to use it despite problems. Abusing alcohol impacts relationships and will often impair the ability to function day-to-day.

Alcohol Dependence is a physiological dependence where symptoms for withdrawal will occur after 12 hours of stopping use. Withdrawal symptoms include trembling, sweating, heart palpitations, vomiting, nausea, seizures, delirium, and possible death. Unlike withdrawal from narcotics, withdrawal from alcohol can result in death without in-patient care. You read that correctly: It is the only substance where there is a risk of death during the withdrawal process. Another important piece of information to note is that adolescents do not experience alcohol withdrawal, which is most likely due to the difference in their liver function.

Just because someone abuses alcohol does not mean they are necessarily dependent on alcohol. At least, not yet. Only someone who craves alcohol, needs a large quantity of alcohol to get *high*, cannot stop drinking, and experiences withdrawal symptoms can be defined as alcohol dependent. However, both categories of drinkers will require assistance to quit. (continues…)

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Mental Monday: ‘Til Death Do Us Part

I walked along the beach with my 90 year old grandfather over the weekend. He lost his wife, my beloved grandmother, on January 1st of this year. The entire family has been reeling from her passing but, obviously, no one more so than my grandpa. As we walked along the water and watched young couples and families enjoy the beautiful sunshine, he reminisced about their life together. As a couple for 70 years, they spent a very active and full life together filled with the ups and downs of business ownership, moving across country, world travel and adventures, and the joys (and pains) of parenthood, grand-parenthood, and even great-grand-parenthood.

Now that my grandmother is gone, the grandfather I once knew is missing as well. A man who was quick to laugh and share funny stories has become more subdued. A man who worked well into his 70′s and prided himself on his excellent health is now slowing down quickly. He complains about the everyday life of living in an old man’s body. He can’t sleep and he doesn’t enjoy the same things he used to, like even a walk on the beach. That was something he and grandma would do together everyday. As we walked along, it was evident that all he could think about was her and their life together.  “My partner is gone” he told me as we looked out across the ocean, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

I didn’t ask him to elaborate what “it” meant. I knew.

His pain is the kind of pain that only the luckiest people in the world will ever know. It’s the kind of pain that I can only hope either the Dude or myself will actually experience one day, hopefully not until many many years down the road. To know this pain means that you have known a deep love that only partners in a very long and loving relationship can possibly experience. (continues…)

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A Message To Mamas

Same-sex couples in Washington D.C. are now legally allowed to marry. For people around the world that support same-sex marriage, this day is a joyous day.

I, for one, am thrilled.

However, this day is also a bittersweet day. There are millions of people who are still not legally allowed to marry. Whether or not they even want to be married is not the point. The point is, they don’t even have the right. I want to see this changed within my lifetime, but I especially want to see this changed for our children.

So, in honor of:

  • the many couples celebrating their love today by legally recognizing their commitment to one another,
  • the many couples who do not yet have the right to marry, and
  • future generations of the LGBT community that will hopefully never have to endure prejudice, hate, and discrimination

I would like to re-post an article I wrote about this topic back in October. This message is for all the moms out there who may not agree with this issue. This message is for all moms out there who may agree, but do not take a stand.

I urge you to reconsider.

Gay Rights: Why Mamas Need to Take a Stand Against Inequality

As a woman, I often think about the time before my birth and what my female ancestors had to endure.

For centuries, women have had to fight to establish equality in a very paternalistic society. Women had to band together to form the Suffrage Movement. Women fought for equality during the Civil Rights Movement and created the Feminist Movement when society still treated them like second-class citizens. In the last 100 years, women have been incredibly successful in overturning anti-discriminatory laws and creating new laws to protect our rights. There is no doubt that the time we live in now is markedly different than the era of our mothers and grandmothers.

As women:

  • We lived without voting rights until 1920.
  • We lived without FDA-approved birth-control until 1960.
  • We lived without discrimination laws and equal opportunity in the workplace until 1964.
  • We lived with sex-segregated employment ads until 1968.
  • We lived without the Equal Pay Act until 1970.
  • We lived without Title IX until 1972.
  • We lived without reproductive rights until 1973.
  • We lived without the Pregnancy Discrimination Ban until 1978.
  • We lived without the Lily Ledbetter Act until 2009.

From our mothers to our great-great-great grandmothers, women have worked hard to ensure a better future for their daughters, and the women of today continue to take a stand against injustice and inequality. As women, we have lived with discrimination and intolerance. We have lived as second-class citizens. We have lived without laws to protect ourselves and our rights. So, I ask my mama-sisters, why aren’t we working harder to ensure a better future for our children and grandchildren? Why aren’t we doing more to stand up to injustice and inequality?

I live in California where Prop 22 passed in 2000 with 61.4% of the vote. On May 15, 2008, Prop 22 was ruled unconstitutional and invalidated. The reaction was mixed, to say the least. Financed by powerful religious organizations and anti-gay organizations, Prop 8 passed just this last year with 52.2% of the vote. I have gay friends who were able to legally marry without problem between May 15th and November 4th. I have other gay friends who missed that small window and do not have that same right. Shortly after the election, I was talking with a few women about the outcome. One mom mentioned that she was tired of all the talk and didn’t want her child exposed to people discussing gay rights. She said, in so many words – it’s so hard for kids these days anyways, so why do we need to add one more thing? I thought about that and replied, yes, it is hard. So why don’t we work to make it easier for them.

Opponents of gay equality rights often cite the Bible as a source for their discrimination. I take issue with that, especially as woman. I am a woman of faith, but I do not take the Bible as a literal and valid source for establishing laws in our society. If that were the case, then equality laws and protections for women would never have been created.

Many of us look back to our history and think, wow, how did women live in a world without equal rights? Within 10 years, I want people to look back and think the same thing. Legal discrimination against gays is a major problem of today. So, I ask you, let’s work to make sure that it’s still not a problem in 10 years. Let’s make sure that future generations look back and think, wow, how did people ever think that discrimination against gays and gay rights was acceptable?

The best place to start making a difference is in the home. As the parents, we are the primary role models for our children. They look to us for guidance on how to navigate this world and how to interact with others. If we are intolerant, discriminatory, and judgmental of others, our children will learn to do the same. Teach your children well. Teach them by being a role model for tolerance, acceptance, and for what is right. It might be your child that needs legal protections and anti-discriminatory laws in the future. But, even more so, it might be your child that needs to know they are always loved and accepted by you…no matter who they love.

Learn more about what you can do for gay rights:

Human Rights Campaign
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
Gay Rights

In California:
Courage Campaign
No on 8

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Mental Monday: Dating Other Couples

No, not THIS kind of couples-dating!

No, not THIS kind of couples-dating!

In a perfect world, all of our friends partner up with people that we adore. In a perfect world, we meet other couples that we both really like. In a perfect world, we get together with our couple-friends and we enjoy spending time with both of them. Equally.

We all know this ain’t a perfect world.

One potentially challenging aspect about becoming a couple is finding other couples that you both enjoy. From both personal experience and from talking to many other couples, it’s really-really-really difficult to find other couples to date.  It’s usually the same story – either we like the wife and not the husband, we like the husband but not the wife, or we like one partner but not the other. In some cases, we don’t care for either one. And, admittedly, sometimes they don’t like one of us. Or both of us. Hard to believe, right? Right?!?

Finding other couples to hang out with be just as nerve-wracking and emotional as actual dating. When you’ve got four different personalities to contend with, the dynamic either meshes or it doesn’t. We’re lucky that we have a few couples to hang out with and that we enjoy getting together with every once in a while. It’s good to have other couples in your life, especially when they are in healthy and positive relationships. Nothing bums out a couple more than hanging around other couples that don’t get along very well. And nothing can help boost the energy within a relationship more than hanging out with positive couples that show love and respect for one another.

There are now *dating* sites that cater to couples looking for platonic friendships with other couples. The Dude and I have not used these sites so I can’t vouch for any of them. But, if you and your partner are having trouble finding other couples, maybe it’s worth a shot to check one of them out!  Millions of people find compatible dates through the Internet, so I can’t see why couples can’t find compatible couples to date, too.

Do you and your partner have great couple-friends to hang out with or have you had problems finding compatible couples? I would love to hear from you.

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