A Mama’s Year-End Review

It’s pretty common for those who work a 9-5 job to get some kind of annual year-end review. For those of us who work the 24/7 job, otherwise known as stay-at-home parents, it’s my belief that we should get a year-end review, too. The only problem is that our boss’s typically lack the verbal skills to express a year’s worth of achievements, failures, and everything in between. If my 26 month-old boss could actually give me a year-end review, I’m guessing it would go something like this:

Hi Mama. Thanks for coming into my playroom office for your year-end review. First, I would like to congratulate you on making it through what I believe has been a challenging year.  I started the year with a tentative curiosity that has now morphed into a careless daredevil attitude. I leave you exhausted by the evening and wake you up at sunrise to play. I have become a picky and demanding eater and my table manners are still somewhat nonexistent. I may know how to use a fork now, but I can’t promise that the food will always end up in my mouth. My favorite words are “NO!” “NO WAY” and “NONONONONONO!!!!” which are usually expressed in, uh, a very spirited manner.  I tend to treat you like a servant and yet you still smother me with love and kisses. Have you always let people walk all over you like this? If so, we may need to address your self-esteem issues.

While some goals have been met and some expectations have been exceeded, there have been some mistakes and even a few outright failures. The year started out great but things started sliding a bit around the first quarter. That’s about the time I started to actually sleep through the night, which apparently led you to believe that you could sleep more on the job, too. You picked up speed again until the 3rd quarter, which is when I understand you started a “Mommy Blog.”  I noticed your work performance slacking a bit when I started getting an extra half-hour on my nap schedule and little extra time in front of Sesame Street and Olivia. Look, I appreciate your need to document “mommy” stuff online as well as your desire to communicate with people other than me, Elmo, and Oswald. I get it. The only reason I bring it up is that while I don’t mind your little side projects, I just want to make sure that you still manage to keep the vast majority of your energy on one thing, and one thing only…me.

For the most part, it’s been a good year. I know I’m not the easiest boss in the world. You’ve been a full-time, 24/7 on-call employee of mine for 26 months now. I have to say, you’ve been managing your position quite well overall, especially since you had zero job experience before you took on this position. Let’s be honest, despite your career and educational background, you knew nothing about what this job would actually entail. However, despite your lack of experience, I am a healthy, happy, and well-adjusted 2 year old. For the most part.

Let’s go over the goals from last year as well as discuss the goals for next year.  I am happy to report that many of them have been met.  Let’s review:

  1. Learn to say “thank you” : ACCOMPLISHED! (even though I pronounce it “danku”)
  2. Eat broccoli: ACCOMPLISHED! (yet you still call them “trees”, as if you think I’m arboristically-challenged)
  3. Sleep in a big-boy bed: ACCOMPLISHED! (although making me sleep on a mattress on the floor during the “transition period”  felt almost criminal at times).
  4. Play well with others: ACCOMPLISHED! (you know I never mean to throw sand in other kid’s eyes, right? Right???)
  5. Get me into a sleep routine: ACCOMPLISHED! (I just want to add one thing – can we please stop reading Goodnight Moon all the time? That book makes me have weird dreams about old bunnies, jumping cows, and mush).

Now for the bad news. The following goals were not accomplished:

  1. Wean me off the binkies: FAIL
  2. Wean me off the bottle: FAIL
  3. Wean me off a night bottle(s): FAIL
  4. Potty-train me: (this one is almost laughable) FAIL
  5. Learn the alphabet: (seriously?) FAIL
  6. Learn to count to 3: FAIL
  7. Stop throwing food: FAIL
  8. Learn to say I LOVE YOU: eh,  I can sign it, so I guess that’s a only a semi-FAIL

So instead of creating some new goals for yourself, perhaps you might want to just work on the items that didn’t get accomplished this past year. I’ve got to be honest. It looks like you got your work cut out for you next year, Mama.

In conclusion, you’ve done a fine job as my mom this past year. Since I don’t know anything different and I have nothing to compare you with, I’d even go as far as to say you’ve done excellent work. Keep it up. Oh, and one more thing. You know how I put my fingers in my ears when you sing me a lullaby every night and you think that’s so cute? Well, what I’m really trying to tell you is…STFU! Oh, uh, where did I learn that from? Ummmm, go ask your co-worker…that daddy fellow. Yeah. Anyways. Thanks again for a good year and let’s make next year even better. Now, go gimme some milk. Danku.

Happy New Year, readers! May 2010 be filled with love, joy, and happiness.