12
Big Brother (Part II)
A few months ago, I wrote about my internal debate about whether or not to make the Monkey a big brother.
The debate still rages within.
I have never been so conflicted about anything in my life. Ever since I decided to become a mother, I assumed that I would have two children. No more, no less. My reasons for not wanting more children may be considered selfish, but they are still valid reasons nonetheless.
I don’t want to be pregnant again. It was an incredible experience to be pregnant but it wasn’t necessarily enjoyable. Simply put, the lack of control over my body was an unpleasant experience. This may have something to do with my OCD tendencies, but I think a lot of women feel this way with or without acknowledging it. I felt the same way about breastfeeding for nine months. For 18 months, my body belonged to another human being. Now that another 18 months have gone by in which I’ve had complete control over my body, I’m not so sure I want to rent it out again.
I enjoy sleeping again. I enjoy having personal time for myself and time for the Dude. Getting time for myself, let alone with my husband, is a luxury. Infants and toddlers tend to put a marriage/partnership on the back-burner when it really needs to be a priority. All marriages/partnerships suffer when children come along and there is a big part of me that doesn’t want my marriage to be affected any more than it has already. Introducing children into your world can be the most beautiful thing in the world, but it can also create a huge strain on family dynamics. (continues…)
31
A Mama’s Year-End Review
It’s pretty common for those who work a 9-5 job to get some kind of annual year-end review. For those of us who work the 24/7 job, otherwise known as stay-at-home parents, it’s my belief that we should get a year-end review, too. The only problem is that our boss’s typically lack the verbal skills to express a year’s worth of achievements, failures, and everything in between. If my 26 month-old boss could actually give me a year-end review, I’m guessing it would go something like this:
Hi Mama. Thanks for coming into my playroom office for your year-end review. First, I would like to congratulate you on making it through what I believe has been a challenging year. I started the year with a tentative curiosity that has now morphed into a careless daredevil attitude. I leave you exhausted by the evening and wake you up at sunrise to play. I have become a picky and demanding eater and my table manners are still somewhat nonexistent. I may know how to use a fork now, but I can’t promise that the food will always end up in my mouth. My favorite words are “NO!” “NO WAY” and “NONONONONONO!!!!” which are usually expressed in, uh, a very spirited manner. I tend to treat you like a servant and yet you still smother me with love and kisses. Have you always let people walk all over you like this? If so, we may need to address your self-esteem issues.
While some goals have been met and some expectations have been exceeded, there have been some mistakes and even a few outright failures. The year started out great but things started sliding a bit around the first quarter. That’s about the time I started to actually sleep through the night, which apparently led you to believe that you could sleep more on the job, too. You picked up speed again until the 3rd quarter, which is when I understand you started a “Mommy Blog.” I noticed your work performance slacking a bit when I started getting an extra half-hour on my nap schedule and little extra time in front of Sesame Street and Olivia. Look, I appreciate your need to document “mommy” stuff online as well as your desire to communicate with people other than me, Elmo, and Oswald. I get it. The only reason I bring it up is that while I don’t mind your little side projects, I just want to make sure that you still manage to keep the vast majority of your energy on one thing, and one thing only…me.
For the most part, it’s been a good year. I know I’m not the easiest boss in the world. You’ve been a full-time, 24/7 on-call employee of mine for 26 months now. I have to say, you’ve been managing your position quite well overall, especially since you had zero job experience before you took on this position. Let’s be honest, despite your career and educational background, you knew nothing about what this job would actually entail. However, despite your lack of experience, I am a healthy, happy, and well-adjusted 2 year old. For the most part.
Let’s go over the goals from last year as well as discuss the goals for next year. I am happy to report that many of them have been met. Let’s review:
- Learn to say “thank you” : ACCOMPLISHED! (even though I pronounce it “danku”)
- Eat broccoli: ACCOMPLISHED! (yet you still call them “trees”, as if you think I’m arboristically-challenged)
- Sleep in a big-boy bed: ACCOMPLISHED! (although making me sleep on a mattress on the floor during the “transition period” felt almost criminal at times).
- Play well with others: ACCOMPLISHED! (you know I never mean to throw sand in other kid’s eyes, right? Right???)
- Get me into a sleep routine: ACCOMPLISHED! (I just want to add one thing – can we please stop reading Goodnight Moon all the time? That book makes me have weird dreams about old bunnies, jumping cows, and mush).
Now for the bad news. The following goals were not accomplished:
- Wean me off the binkies: FAIL
- Wean me off the bottle: FAIL
- Wean me off a night bottle(s): FAIL
- Potty-train me: (this one is almost laughable) FAIL
- Learn the alphabet: (seriously?) FAIL
- Learn to count to 3: FAIL
- Stop throwing food: FAIL
- Learn to say I LOVE YOU: eh, I can sign it, so I guess that’s a only a semi-FAIL
So instead of creating some new goals for yourself, perhaps you might want to just work on the items that didn’t get accomplished this past year. I’ve got to be honest. It looks like you got your work cut out for you next year, Mama.
In conclusion, you’ve done a fine job as my mom this past year. Since I don’t know anything different and I have nothing to compare you with, I’d even go as far as to say you’ve done excellent work. Keep it up. Oh, and one more thing. You know how I put my fingers in my ears when you sing me a lullaby every night and you think that’s so cute? Well, what I’m really trying to tell you is…STFU! Oh, uh, where did I learn that from? Ummmm, go ask your co-worker…that daddy fellow. Yeah. Anyways. Thanks again for a good year and let’s make next year even better. Now, go gimme some milk. Danku.
Happy New Year, readers! May 2010 be filled with love, joy, and happiness.
21
Mental Monday: When It Comes To Grief, Nothing Is Normal.
After a mother despairingly reached out online minutes before and hours after she learned of the tragic death of her 2 year old son last week, the world questioned her. They blamed her. And they harassed her. It’s not normal to be online when you’re at the hospital! It’s not normal to post messages hours after your son passes away!, people countered via Twitter and through the media.
Please.
Please tell me what is normal when it comes to an anguished and grieving mother. There is no “normal” when it comes to the death of a child. Children are not supposed to die before their parents. Children are supposed to bury their parents. No parent is ever prepared for the death of a child, even when the death is expected. I cannot fathom what this mother went through when she found her son at the bottom of a pool. I have no idea what it’s like to hear the words, your son has passed away, from a doctor. It is unimaginable to me and it’s most likely unimaginable to you, too. So what do we do when the unimaginable happens? Would you withdraw? Would you reach out? No one can say unless they have actually been there.
In a day and age when social networking is used by billions of people, communicating regularly to others online is as normal as saying *hi* to your next-door neighbor every morning. News from the joyous and happy to the everyday mundane to the sad and tragic are expressed daily in online forums, networks, and communities. As a social networking user for many years, I have seen first-hand many situations where someone has used social networking to announce an illness, give an updated status on a life-threatening illness, share a tragic story, or inform people of the recent death of their spouse, sibling, parent, etc… Many people need to share their horrifying and tragic situation immediately because it is essential for them to receive immediate solace and comforting. For those that have an online community that they can turn to, there is no better way to receive a large amount of instant support during a critical time.
A shocked and grieving mother reached out to her online community. She needed their prayers. She needed their strength and their comfort. What she did not need was interrogation, armchair investigation, judgment, scorn, or a pitchfork-mentality fueled backlash. No one has a right to judge or question the behavior or actions of a grieving mother who just lost her son. There is no normal behavior and there is no normal grieving process. But what is normal is for a grieving mother to expect support from her community, online or otherwise, when she needs it the most.
Anything you would like to add or share? Please comment below.
16
It’s Good To Be A Feminist Housewife
I only do 3 out of these 6 things. Hey, a Feminist Housewife still has her limits.
I am a stay-at-home mom. I am a wife. And I am a Feminist.
I am a Feminist Housewife.
No, that’s not an oxymoron. Welcome to a new generation of housewives. We ain’t Donna Reed, yo.
I don’t mean to ruffle any other housewives feathers, but I didn’t grow up necessarily wanting this job. Like many, if not most housewives I know, being a housewife was not my professional goal. I didn’t go to college or two different graduate programs to earn an M.R.S degree. I was already wearing suits and handing out business cards by the time I met the Dude. I didn’t cook and I certainly didn’t pick up after anyone else. I had changed maybe 3 diapers in my life at that point. If that. Nothing about me screamed *housewife-material!*. The Dude and I married with the knowledge that we are equal partners in everything that we do, and that includes raising a family together. We are partners and co-parents. Decisions are made together and we work hard to make sure we’re on the same page when it comes to our relationship and parenting. The Dude even calls himself a feminist, too. It’s good to be married to one of those.
I was raised in the 80′s, which was a great time to grow up for a girl. I wasn’t raised on Donna Reed, June Cleaver, or even Edith Bunker. I was raised on Mrs. Huxtable, Kate & Allie, and Murphy Brown. Those women were smart feminist chicks who could support their families and hold their own against any man. They were my feminist icons. But my biggest influence was undoubtedly my own mother. After my parents divorced, she was the one who stressed the importance of being self-sufficient and independent. She didn’t just tell me to be that way. She showed me the way. I watched my mom work her way through graduate school while raising three kids alone. It was not only impressive, but it made a life-long impact on me. I knew from a young age that the key to everything was through education and drive. Become your own person before you marry and have the means to support yourself…just in case, my mother would tell us. Her pragmatism helped shape us. My sister and I were not raised to believe that we were little princesses and that Prince Charming would come along one day to save us. Instead, we grew up with the drive to be educated and financially independent and the belief that if Prince Charming actually did show up, well, he better be willing to cook, clean, and change diapers*, too. (continues…)
14
Mental Monday: My Kid Was Suspended for Bullying? I’m On The Case.
Yesterday, I read this LA Times story about a father who sued his daughter’s school district after they suspended her for two days. She was suspended by the school after posting an online video in which she and other students teased another classmate and called her mean names. This video was published on YouTube and seen by who knows how many people. So, what happened after the bully in this case was suspended? Well, she did something that isn’t so out of the ordinary these days. Sue. Yes, the bully in this case SUED the school district and a U.S. District Judge ruled in her favor. While I don’t agree with the Judge (from a non-lawyer perspective) the ruling itself in this case isn’t what upset me the most. What made me the most angry is who represented this young bully/plaintiff during trial.
Her father.
Rather than agreeing with the school district that the punishment fit the crime and rather than reprimanding his daughter for being a bully, this father sent a message to his daughter saying that being a “mean girl” is OK. He sent a message to her saying that not only was her behavior acceptable, but that he will do everything in his power to support her. And, he did. Am I the only one disturbed by this message? None of us have perfect kids. We want to support them and stand by them, even when they falter. But when our kids behave badly, there needs to be consequences. This young bully needed help from her father, but not in the legal sense. She needed to talk about why she would do something as extreme as post a vicious video about her classmate. She needed to be reprimanded for her actions. She needed a wake-up call that being mean is not acceptable behavior and that there are consequences. She got none of those things from her father. Instead, she received acceptance and validation for bad behavior.
Her father did not do her any favors.
When a child hurts another child, emotionally or physically, the message should never be – well, in accordance to the law, your behavior was justifiable. Instead, I believe the message should be – well, although you may have a First Amendment right to tease and defame another child to the point of bullish behavior, it is NOT acceptable to me.
What should it matter if the law protects and even rewards the bad behavior of your children? Regardless of the law, being a good role model for your kid is the best lesson you can ever teach them. Be a good person. Treat each other with respect and dignity. Playing nicely with others doesn’t end in the playground. It’s something that we need to remember throughout the duration of our lives. These are the lessons that we need to live by and, most importantly, pass on to our kids.
It’s too bad that the young bully and her father in this story were too busy suing the school district to receive that message.
Anything you would like to add or share? Please comment below.