09
A Message To Mamas
Same-sex couples in Washington D.C. are now legally allowed to marry. For people around the world that support same-sex marriage, this day is a joyous day.
I, for one, am thrilled.
However, this day is also a bittersweet day. There are millions of people who are still not legally allowed to marry. Whether or not they even want to be married is not the point. The point is, they don’t even have the right. I want to see this changed within my lifetime, but I especially want to see this changed for our children.
So, in honor of:
- the many couples celebrating their love today by legally recognizing their commitment to one another,
- the many couples who do not yet have the right to marry, and
- future generations of the LGBT community that will hopefully never have to endure prejudice, hate, and discrimination
I would like to re-post an article I wrote about this topic back in October. This message is for all the moms out there who may not agree with this issue. This message is for all moms out there who may agree, but do not take a stand.
I urge you to reconsider.
Gay Rights: Why Mamas Need to Take a Stand Against Inequality
As a woman, I often think about the time before my birth and what my female ancestors had to endure.
For centuries, women have had to fight to establish equality in a very paternalistic society. Women had to band together to form the Suffrage Movement. Women fought for equality during the Civil Rights Movement and created the Feminist Movement when society still treated them like second-class citizens. In the last 100 years, women have been incredibly successful in overturning anti-discriminatory laws and creating new laws to protect our rights. There is no doubt that the time we live in now is markedly different than the era of our mothers and grandmothers.
As women:
- We lived without voting rights until 1920.
- We lived without FDA-approved birth-control until 1960.
- We lived without discrimination laws and equal opportunity in the workplace until 1964.
- We lived with sex-segregated employment ads until 1968.
- We lived without the Equal Pay Act until 1970.
- We lived without Title IX until 1972.
- We lived without reproductive rights until 1973.
- We lived without the Pregnancy Discrimination Ban until 1978.
- We lived without the Lily Ledbetter Act until 2009.
From our mothers to our great-great-great grandmothers, women have worked hard to ensure a better future for their daughters, and the women of today continue to take a stand against injustice and inequality. As women, we have lived with discrimination and intolerance. We have lived as second-class citizens. We have lived without laws to protect ourselves and our rights. So, I ask my mama-sisters, why aren’t we working harder to ensure a better future for our children and grandchildren? Why aren’t we doing more to stand up to injustice and inequality?
I live in California where Prop 22 passed in 2000 with 61.4% of the vote. On May 15, 2008, Prop 22 was ruled unconstitutional and invalidated. The reaction was mixed, to say the least. Financed by powerful religious organizations and anti-gay organizations, Prop 8 passed just this last year with 52.2% of the vote. I have gay friends who were able to legally marry without problem between May 15th and November 4th. I have other gay friends who missed that small window and do not have that same right. Shortly after the election, I was talking with a few women about the outcome. One mom mentioned that she was tired of all the talk and didn’t want her child exposed to people discussing gay rights. She said, in so many words – it’s so hard for kids these days anyways, so why do we need to add one more thing? I thought about that and replied, yes, it is hard. So why don’t we work to make it easier for them.
Opponents of gay equality rights often cite the Bible as a source for their discrimination. I take issue with that, especially as woman. I am a woman of faith, but I do not take the Bible as a literal and valid source for establishing laws in our society. If that were the case, then equality laws and protections for women would never have been created.
Many of us look back to our history and think, wow, how did women live in a world without equal rights? Within 10 years, I want people to look back and think the same thing. Legal discrimination against gays is a major problem of today. So, I ask you, let’s work to make sure that it’s still not a problem in 10 years. Let’s make sure that future generations look back and think, wow, how did people ever think that discrimination against gays and gay rights was acceptable?
The best place to start making a difference is in the home. As the parents, we are the primary role models for our children. They look to us for guidance on how to navigate this world and how to interact with others. If we are intolerant, discriminatory, and judgmental of others, our children will learn to do the same. Teach your children well. Teach them by being a role model for tolerance, acceptance, and for what is right. It might be your child that needs legal protections and anti-discriminatory laws in the future. But, even more so, it might be your child that needs to know they are always loved and accepted by you…no matter who they love.
Learn more about what you can do for gay rights:
Human Rights Campaign
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
Gay Rights
In California:
Courage Campaign
No on 8
05
Foodie Friday: Reservations For Two…Plus A High Chair
My little Monkey is now nearly 29 months old and we don’t go out to very nice restaurants with him at this point. If we do eat out as a family, we’re usually relegated to restaurants that primarily serve pancakes or chicken fingers. Or that have parrots hanging from the ceiling. Or that not only dole out the crayons, but have crushed crayon on the floors and scribbles on the table. Those are the places that make me feel comfortable and safe when I venture out with the little dude.
It wasn’t always this way.
Within weeks after the Monkey was born, we started to venture out to our favorite places to eat in San Francisco. From about 2 weeks to 6 months, the Dude and I would roll our Monkey along in his carseat to some of our favorite places, including upscale restaurants. Think we’re crazy? I beg to differ. We knew his nap routine perfectly and he always slept like a dream in his carseat. I say to all new-parent friends – go out with your newborn. Take advantage of their nap schedule AND their ability to sleep through anything. Don’t be nervous. There is a very good chance that your newborn will be better behaved than most other patrons.
Around 6 months, his sleep routine changed and so did his activity level. We started to hire babysitters more often.
When we do take the Monkey out, there are a few tips that have helped me along the way. Now, my child is no angel and I would never pretend otherwise. He is a very normal and active toddler who can scream and flail like a banshee when his freedom to do as he pleases is restricted. That said, I have still managed to garner a few compliments from other patrons about his behavior at restaurants. Why? Because I put myself in the shoes of other patrons. I do not like dining around unruly children. I do not want my child to be THAT child. Yet it is inevitable, though. Your child will throw a temper tantrum at some point in public and it is very likely that it will be at a restaurant.
How To Avoid Tantrums (and how to deal with them when they occur): (continues…)
01
Mental Monday: A Lifetime Sentence to Worry
Now that I’m a parent, I often look back at all the crazy/dangerous antics that I put my own parents through. I was not alone. My sister and brother were often as reckless and carefree as me.
From speeding tickets (all of us) to falling out of a 2nd story window (my sister) to getting hit by a car while riding a bike (my brother) to splitting a forehead wide open by falling on a step (my sister) to skydiving in our late teens (me, my brother), to getting into a bad moped accident in Ibiza (me) to traveling to scary foreign lands (all of us) my mom and dad became accustomed to the anxiety-induced adrenaline rush generated by the wild and accident-prone behavior of their children.
I had never really thought too much about this until I became a parent. I’ve worried about my baby boy before I even knew he was a boy. I’ve been worrying before, during, and every minute after he breathed his first breath. I think about how much I worry over him now and what it will be like in the future, when he’s driving for the first time, when he’s off to school, when he goes off into the world. I had assumed that the feelings of anxiety will only get easier.
My parents have informed me otherwise.
It’s been 30+ years since they have brought three children into the world and they still don’t have it much easier.
My brother is a psychologist in the military, a position he opted to take during this time of war. He does not currently work in a war zone, but that could change any time. My sister, a civilian lawyer, works in Afghanistan. My parents are besides themselves with worry. They scour the news everyday. Their heart skips a beat before every phone call, especially those from an international number. My sister has learned to check in with e-mails, even just to say nothing more than “hi.” She has learned to send an “I’m OK” mass e-mail to her immediate family before we hear about attacks in her area. Those e-mails bring most of her loved ones temporary solace during a constant state of turmoil. But, for my parents, the e-mails only validate their anxiety and fears.
I suppose it doesn’t matter if your child is 2 days, 2 months, 2 years, 22 years, or 32 years old. It doesn’t matter if your child is always with you at home, away at college, works in a “safe” city, or works in a war zone. As a parent, you will worry. A lot. It doesn’t always get easier. And, for some parents, it only gets harder.
21
Don’t Pity The (Other) Woman
After I wrote my blog post this morning about John Edwards, my thoughts kept turning to the other person responsible for this situation.
The Other Woman.
Or perhaps we should just call her “Mama.” There is a little girl out there who does.
Why would someone become involved with a married person? I have some ideas, especially when the married person in question is powerful and wealthy. But, whatever the reasoning (or lack thereof), it is usually a situation that will only result in heartache and stress. Or, in this case, a child that didn’t have a father for two years.
I don’t respect women (and men) that sleep with married people and I certainly don’t pity them when the situation becomes disastrous. As is often the case, potential consequences are rarely considered or simply ignored. There are various reasons why married people cheat, but it’s not usually because they are looking for love or another long-term commitment. If that were the case, they would have probably ended their marriage already. Long-term love or partnership is rarely the end result of cheating. Why? There are two reasons: one is because the majority of cheating spouses stay with their partner and the other is that affairs that begin based on secrets and lies usually end the same way.
Some people may view Ms. Hunter as the victim in this situation. Here she is, the single mother of a child whose father denied her for the first two years of her life. It’s certainly a sad situation, but a situation that she helped create. So no, I don’t feel sorry for Ms. Hunter. The only people that have my sympathy are the family members who became involuntary entangled in a web of deception and abuse of trust. And, of course, this especially includes the child borne from these circumstances.
Let’s just hope for the sake of their child, that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter can finally make some decisions based on truth, loyalty, trust, and commitment – to be the best parents possible to their little girl.
21
You ARE The Father! So Act Like One.
As a politician, John Edwards used to have my respect. And I say the same thing about him being a man.
It was so nice to see Mr. Edwards finally come clean about being the father to Quinn, his 2 year-old daughter with Rielle Hunter. He spent the first two years of her life adamantly denying paternity and, subsequently, denying his obligations to his daughter. If only Maury was around as soon as she was born.
I take issue with men like John Edwards. I say to them, step up and BE a man. Be a father. The circumstances of a child’s birth are not their fault, so don’t treat them like the big mistake you may believe them to be. No career or marital situation, whether it’s in the public eye or not, warrants the denial of paternity. If you choose to behave inappropriately by cheating on your wife, then understand that there will always be consequences. And as John Edwards has learned, some consequences are more life-changing than others.
John Edwards lost the first two years of his daughter’s life. When she is old enough to understand the lies surrounding her arrival into the world, she may or may not forgive her father. That will be her choice. But, for now, it’s time for Mr. Edwards to make up for lost time and be the responsible and loving father that his daughter deserves.