21
Warning: Parenting Is Hazardous to Your Health
Parenting should come with a warning label.
Let’s start with pregnancy. It’s been said that the physical strain of pregnancy and childbirth can take a year off your life. For some of us, that experience might have shaved off about five years. Remember that life sucking machine from the movie, Princess Bride? Well, that’s what labor felt like for me.
After the kid is born, it’s all about the kid. You barely have time to shower and throw on some lip-gloss let alone check in with your physical and mental well-being. Sure, you’re in and out of doctors offices all the time, but you rarely (if ever) see one for yourself. Oh, you’ve had a migraine for a week? A weird bump? A lingering cough? Who has time to check in with a real doctor? That’s why they invented WebMD.
When your kid starts preschool, it’s all downhill from there. Children become carriers for all things germy and disease-ridden. There is no doubt that you will get sick when you have kids. Often. If your child has a runny nose and cough, expect to wake up the next morning with the same problem. You’ll probably get even more sick than the kid, but you don’t have time to wallow in Kleenex-wrapped pity. Get back in the kitchen and make their lunch! And, speaking of lunch, who has time to eat it? You might serve your kid organic and nutritious meals, but you’re often relegated to live off saltines, canned chili, and whatever particles of food are left on the highchair. (continues…)
01
Hush Little Baby…Please Go to Sleep!
No one truly appreciates the value of sleep until they have children.
Shush!
As I fondly look back at my pre-kid years of blissful slumber, I wonder how I’ve been managing to get through my parenting days with roughly 6 hours of sleep a night. Mind you, that is not always 6 consecutive hours of sleep. That would be manageable. No, my sleep stages are sometimes peppered with little interruptions from the Monkey. There are nights when he will sleep peacefully through the night. But then, as most parents experience, there are nights when it is a battle to get to the Delta zone.
We all hear from parents who claim that their children have slept through the night since they were 2 months old. Unless you CIO, Ferberize, or do some other form of sleep-training that involves crying-it-out, infants that sleep through the night are not typical. I had heard about CIO and Dr. Ferber way before I had a kid. I had been educated and trained in behavior modification, so this was nothing new to me. However, I had never actually attempted to personally modify the sleep behavior of an infant, especially my own infant. To say it was much more difficult than I anticipated would be a huge understatement. (continues…)
28
The Mama Resume
I think stay-at-home parents should be able to put this job down on their resume. It makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s the most challenging job in the world.
If you are someone who stays home with infants or toddlers, you are required to work 24/7, including holidays. You are always on-call. You get no breaks (unless you count nap-time, but that’s usually code for chore-time) and the pay is lousy. Sure, the boss might be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and will melt your heart with a smile, but he or she is probably also one of the most ungrateful people you’ve ever met. There is never a “please” or a ”thank you” for all your hard work. Oh, and the boss has probably pissed, pooped, or vomited all over you…at least a hundred times.
You know, any other employee would have a legitimate lawsuit against their boss for doing such inhumane things. Stay-at-home-parents just get to do it all over again tomorrow.
Where’s a union when you need one?
08
War of the Gosselins: What We Can Learn From Public Divorce Battles
As I clicked on CNN.com this morning, I saw this startling headline: Jon Gosselin: ‘I despise’ Kate
Enough is Enough is right.
In the article and short video clip, Jon claims that he was a victim of Kate’s emotional and verbal abuse and that he was “beaten down” by Kate. She also forced him to disconnect from his family. In the longer interview, which airs tonight, Jon states that he despises Kate. I won’t be watching the rest of it.
Like a lot of people, I can’t help but follow the demise of Kate and Jon Gosselin’s marriage. Perhaps it’s because their family drama continues to make headline news and front page covers, even months after they broke the news that they had separated. Now it seems like the war of words between the two have escalated to full-blown attacks. Whether or not Jon was a victim of emotional abuse is not for any of us to judge. Jon and Kate may have brought us into their home every week, but no one will ever know the full truth except for the two of them. What we do know is this – disparaging comments have been made about each other by both parties. (continues…)
26
Bumper Stickers: Before you peel off the tape, please read this
I really don’t like bumper stickers.
I don’t care about your Alma Mater, even if it’s the same as mine. I don’t care that you’re pro-life or pro-choice . I don’t want to see the equivalent of a gravestone on your rear window or that you clearly love Papas and Beer (why are those stickers always lopsided?). I also don’t care to know that you voted for Bush/Cheney back in 2004 (you really want to advertise that one?) or that you actually think Palin has a shot in 2012. The only clear shot Palin has is directly aimed at a moose.
However, my biggest issue with bumper sticker trends is anything related to family, especially those ridiculous stick figure families. The ones with names drive me especially crazy.
Why?
Well, because just like the “My Child is an Honor Student at ABC Elementary” and “Baby on Board” stickers, I don’t care for advertising family. I think it’s a big risk to let strangers know where your kid goes to school or that you have an infant in the car. I don’t care about who is in your car or the names of your kids, but you know who might? The neighborhood pedophile. The sex offender that lives in your area. The criminally insane person that decides to follow you home from the store. The jerk on the freeway who you accidentally cut off and is now driving behind you in a threatening and aggressive manner. Yeah. I really don’t want those people to know that I’m a part of the Smith household, I have three children (Jack, Jane, and Jill), two dogs, and my kids go to such-and-such school.
The bottom line is this: there are crazy and dangerous people in the world. And the less they know about you and your family, the better.