Raising Likable Kids: Tips and Tricks to Avoid Raising a Future Kanye West

There are a lot of people, parents and non-parents alike, who have issues with being around other people’s children. And, at times, they have good reason. Badly behaving children can often grow into disrespectful and rude adults, but we parents can work to change poor behavior before they’re off into the world pissing off one person or another. In a world filled with Joe Wilsons, Kanye Wests, and Serena Williams, us parents need to reign in the disrespectful and ill-mannered pint-sized versions…before it’s too late.

Children are born with a certain temperament and personality, but none of them are born with good manners, an education on how to respect others, or civilized social skills. Those are the things that parents must teach them. Many parents will succeed while just as many others will fail miserably. Poorly behaved children can easily make things miserable for everyone else. How many of us have been steamed by a screaming child in a restaurant or seen arm-flailing temper tantrums in the middle of a store…or worse? I will not blame a child for their lack of manners. I don’t get angry at the child running around a restaurant or the child who shoves my child while the mother just watches. It’s not their fault that they don’t know how to behave.  Obviously, I blame the parents. Please note that I am not referring to children that have serious developmental and/or behavioral problems. I am talking about an average child that does not know how to behave appropriately.

Discipline

This is an important topic and it won’t be my last time visiting this issue.  Just like animals, children respond very well to (non-aggressive) behavioral training. The same techniques used to train animals can work with training children. The big key is consistency. For example, a parent decides to give their two year old a 2-minute time-out when the child throws food. The parent must then be prepared to give him a time-out each and every time he throws his food.  Being inconsistent doesn’t teach the child anything except that the parent delivers empty threats. Being consistent will often, if not always, phase the behavior out.

Parents are often caught with what I call a “tug-of-love” with their child. These parents want their children to behave but they don’t want to discipline or don’t know how to properly discipline because when they do they feel upset and/or guilty. Disciplining a child should not leave a parent upset or feeling guilty. Proper discipline means that you are trying to teach a child how to behave. Not only do well-behaved children make people around them happy, but the parents are the happiest of all. Imagine how great life would be if your child was always courteous, respectful, and well-mannered? OK, in the real world, there is no such child. Even the best-behaved children have their off-days (or weeks…or more).  So what do we do when the  kids act up? And how can we change certain “unlikable” behaviors? Most parents want their kids to be the kids that everyone will like, but raising a well-behaved child doesn’t always come easy.

Reinforcing Bad Behaviors

Children often act out because they have learned that certain behaviors get them the attention they want. When parents cater to the demands of a badly-behaving child, the child learns that mommy or daddy responds well to poor behavior. When a child throws a tantrum in the toy store over a toy and the parent buys that toy, they are telling the child that it is OK to throw a fit until they get what they want. When a parent smiles or laughs at a child throwing a fit or doesn’t do anything when their child is not playing well with others, the parent is reinforcing that behavior. If a parent wants negative behavior phased out, they need to respond appropriately to negative behavior. Otherwise, the child learns that a temper tantrum gets him what he wants or, worse, that the parents actually encourage the bad behavior.

Positive Reinforcement

What many parents don’t do enough is encourage good behavior with positive reinforcement. This can be done in many different ways. Let’s say, for example, there is a five year old who calls other children names. The parents are fed up with only giving time-outs when that happens. It might be time to take a positive reinforcement-based approach in addition to discipline techniques. Whenever the name-calling child is behaving well and is playing well with others, let the child know that you see them behaving nicely and you appreciate it. There can also be a reward system in place. For example, every week that the child goes without calling a name, they get something in return. The reward could (and should) be something small, like a cool sticker or a trip to their favorite park. I don’t believe in big rewards because then you’re teetering on the edge of bribery. However, a small token system usually works very well.

These parenting “tricks” have been used for generations and they work well when done correctly. It’s not always easy. I’m the first to admit that it’s difficult and it takes more time and patience than I’m always willing to dedicate. However, a well-behaved child is my own version of a reward system. If my child grows up to disrespect our President, take-away another person’s shining moment, or yells at people in a belligerent manner, I will ask myself where I failed. In the hope that those things never happen, I’ll take the time now to ensure my child has been instilled with good values and good manners. He will also learn now what life will teach him in the long-run: good behavior gets rewarded while bad behavior just makes you look like a fool.