Mental Monday: (Kind Of) Great Expectations

I wrote a blog post last week about starting a college savings plan for my son. My kid is only two years old so, needless to say, we’re not discussing college campus visits and SAT scores right now. But, like so many other parents who start saving for college practically from the time they get a positive reading on a home pregnancy test, I anticipate that my child will one day go to college. I got a little flak, both on and offline, for stating that I expect my child to one day go to college and that I would be disappointed if he didn’t. I won’t change my position on that statement since, well, it’s true. But I would like to elaborate on my point.

Considering my son is so young, I don’t know what type of student he will be or what career path he will choose. I don’t know if he’ll even enjoy school. Like most students, there were times when I enjoyed school and times that I didn’t. There were some semesters when I made the honor roll or dean’s list and some semesters when I did not. My parents did not pressure me to do better than my potential, but they did encourage me to do my best. Sometimes my best wasn’t my best at all, but I would learn from it and do better next time. I still try to do that. The drive to do my best was instilled in me from my parents. They repeatedly discussed the importance of having an education and how having a college degree will offer many more opportunities, no matter what field of work I chose. I knew from junior high that the goals I had set up for myself would be much more challenging, if not impossible, to accomplish if I did not earn a degree.

To shut the door on furthering your education after high school is to shut the door on academic and cognitive growth.  It also tightens or locks up a lot more doors that a college degree would otherwise open. But there is even more to it than simply gaining more knowledge or having that degree listed on your resume.  The experience of college cannot be replicated in any other way.  Being in a class filled with people from all walks of life and having everyday interactions and discussions with them is something far more valuable than people give credit. To be on your own for the first time and have adult responsibilities is life-changing. No one tells you to study or go to class. It is often the first time for many young people to learn to behave responsibly and be accountable. And, as you’re learning all these important life lessons, your worldview may shift significantly and your beliefs, perceptions, and ideologies will be challenged, strengthened, and often changed for the better. For me, this is the most important aspect of college – to walk away, degree in hand, as a more evolved and wise person.

So, will I be disappointed if my son does not have that experience? Yes. I will be disappointed for him, not at him.

Implementing expectations for your children is not only not a bad thing, but it is something that is imperative to the art of parenting. Parents should have expectations of their children.  We give them rules to live by and model the behavior we want them to learn. We discipline when they do not follow the rules or behave appropriately. We push them to do their best and instill the drive in them to want to meet expectations. Once they have become adults, the expectations and goals they will want to live up to will be their own. However, it’s up to us to help them get there. If we do not encourage our children to meet their potential, who will? If we do not let our kids know that we have certain expectations of them, how they learn responsibility and develop drive? And if we don’t express disappointment when they do not meet expectations, who will teach them to work harder to prove themselves?

Mind you, we should not push our children to do better than their potential. We should not sway them into activities, academics, or careers that they are clearly not interested in pursuing. However, it is our responsibility to encourage them to seek out their interests, foster their individual talents and skills, and pursue their dreams. It is our responsibility to push them to meet their potential. Just remember that if you push too hard, they will push back one day. But to not push at all is the far bigger wrong.