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Mental Monday

Mental Monday: A Mental Day-Off

My beloved grandmother passed away on New Year’s Day. I was very close with her and I was only given one week to prepare for her death. There is never enough time to prepare for something like that. It’s only been 4 days and I am still reeling from her death. Not only am I mourning the loss of my grandma, but I am angry with the medical staff and health-care she received, or lack thereof. I will discuss these issues more in-depth in upcoming posts. For now, I need to sit with my grief.

A mere 24 hours after my grandmother passed away, we experienced major plumbing issues and water damage in our home. 48 hours and $5,300 dollars later, we’re finally able to use our plumbing once again.

It’s safe to say that 2010 has not started off very well for me. I am grieving. I am angry. I am in desperate need of a hot and relaxing shower.

I am also in need of a mental day-off. It’s good to have one of those every once in a while, especially when you have been slammed with too many stressors at once. Checking in with yourself should be a weekly occurrence, if not a daily one. I haven’t been able to check in with myself in a while, but I’m going to do it now.

I will be taking the rest of the week off from my blog in order to start adjusting my life to my new loss.

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Mental Monday: My Grandparents’ Guide To Love

My grandmother is dying and it is not known how much longer she will be here with us. It could be days, weeks, or even hours. Up until last night, my family was very confused about what was going on since she seemed perfectly fine a matter of days ago.  But the onset of her illness came on very quickly and unexpectedly. My grandfather knew it was bad before any of us could wrap our heads around it. He told us that she was dying before we received any type of confirmation from medical doctors.

No one knows you better than yourself, unless you’ve been married for as long as my grandparents.

Theirs is a love story that spans 70 years. She is 88 years old and he just turned 90. They lived together for nearly 68 years, up until a matter of days ago. They were rarely apart. Now she lies in a hospice bed, exhausted and weak from the dying process. My grandfather visits her, holds her hand, kisses it softly and tells her he loves her. He calls her “sweetheart”, a term of endearment I’ve never heard him call her before. He is very gentle with her, even when she asks him to go away. He won’t go away. He never has and he never will.

Their marriage is far from perfect, and some have even questioned how they managed to stay together so long…including me. I would see them fight. I would see my grandmother in tears or my grandfather’s frustration and anger. But I also saw a very fierce love. It is the type of love that only comes from years of practice. They didn’t always get along, but they always loved each other and respected one another.  They love sharing stories with one another and bring up many fond memories of the past. They often talk about how they met, share stories of raising their two boys, leaving New York for California, and all their travels and adventures. They love talking about their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. In essence, they constantly remind each other of all the things that brought them together and kept them together over the seven decades of their life together.

Too many couples forget about the good things that brought them together in the first place. They ignore the things that are essentially the glue to their relationship and the roots to their foundation.  It takes years to cultivate a truly deep connection and commitment. It takes work and practice. Far too many people throw in the towel when it become too challenging. If you ask my grandparents, they would tell you that it’s the challenging stuff that really makes you love and respect your partner. When it’s too easy, it’s simply boring.

A few months ago, I asked my grandmother how she managed to stay married for so long. What was her secret? She replied, my feet get too cold at night and I like having grandpa in bed to keep them warm. I laughed when she said that and found it very endearing at the time. It’s only just recently that I have come to the realization that there was actually a deeper meaning to her humorous quip. The best kind of love, the deepest kind of love, is when your partner is simply there for you when you need him or her the most. The challenges, the joys, the tears, the laughter, the warm days and the cold nights – these things are meant to be shared with those who love us. And the best love is the love that endures through all of it.

My grandparents’ love story is not over. It will always endure, even when they pass away. It is a story that is meant to be remembered and passed down to the generations. In a time when marriage seems to be as disposable as the paper used to sign a prenup agreement, theirs is the kind of  love story that is truly valuable.

I should only hope to be that fortunate.

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Mental Monday: When It Comes To Grief, Nothing Is Normal.

After a mother despairingly reached out online minutes before and hours after she learned of the tragic death of her 2 year old son last week, the world questioned her.  They blamed her. And they harassed her. It’s not normal to be online when you’re at the hospital! It’s not normal to post messages hours after your son passes away!, people countered via Twitter and through the media.

Please.

Please tell me what is normal when it comes to an anguished and grieving mother. There is no “normal” when it comes to the death of a child. Children are not supposed to die before their parents. Children are supposed to bury their parents. No parent is ever prepared for the death of a child, even when the death is expected. I cannot fathom what this mother went through when she found her son at the bottom of a pool. I have no idea what it’s like to hear the words, your son has passed away, from a doctor. It is unimaginable to me and it’s most likely unimaginable to you, too. So what do we do when the unimaginable happens?  Would you withdraw? Would you reach out? No one can say unless they have actually been there.

In a day and age when social networking is used by billions of people, communicating regularly to others online is as normal as saying *hi* to your next-door neighbor every morning. News from the joyous and happy to the everyday mundane to the sad and tragic are expressed daily in online forums, networks, and communities.  As a social networking user for many years, I have seen first-hand many situations where someone has used social networking to announce an illness, give an updated status on a life-threatening illness, share a tragic story, or inform people of the recent death of their spouse, sibling, parent, etc… Many people need to share their horrifying and tragic situation immediately because it is essential for them to receive immediate solace and comforting. For those that have an online community that they can turn to, there is no better way to receive a large amount of instant support during a critical time.

A shocked and grieving mother reached out to her online community. She needed their prayers. She needed their strength and their comfort. What she did not need was interrogation, armchair investigation, judgment, scorn, or a pitchfork-mentality fueled backlash. No one has a right to judge or question the behavior or actions of a grieving mother who just lost her son. There is no normal behavior and there is no normal grieving process. But what is normal is for a grieving mother to expect support from her community, online or otherwise, when she needs it the most.

Anything you would like to add or share? Please comment below.

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Mental Monday: My Kid Was Suspended for Bullying? I’m On The Case.

Yesterday, I read this LA Times story about a father who sued his daughter’s school district after they suspended her for two days.  She was suspended by the school after posting an online video in which she and other students teased another classmate and called her mean names.  This video was published on YouTube and seen by who knows how many people.  So, what happened after the bully in this case was suspended? Well, she did something that isn’t so out of the ordinary these days. Sue. Yes, the bully in this case SUED the school district and a U.S. District Judge ruled in her favor. While I don’t agree with the Judge (from a non-lawyer perspective) the ruling itself in this case isn’t what upset me the most. What made me the most angry is who represented this young bully/plaintiff during trial.

Her father.

Rather than agreeing with the school district that the punishment fit the crime and rather than reprimanding his daughter for being a bully, this father sent a message to his daughter saying that being a “mean girl” is OK. He sent a message to her saying that not only was her behavior acceptable, but that he will do everything in his power to support her. And, he did. Am I the only one disturbed by this message? None of us have perfect kids. We want to support them and stand by them, even when they falter. But when our kids behave badly, there needs to be consequences. This young bully needed help from her father, but not in the legal sense. She needed to talk about why she would do something as extreme as post a vicious video about her classmate. She needed to be reprimanded for her actions. She needed a wake-up call that being  mean is not acceptable behavior and that there are consequences. She got none of those things from her father. Instead, she received acceptance and validation for bad behavior.

Her father did not do her any favors.

When a child hurts another child, emotionally or physically, the message should never be – well, in accordance to the law, your behavior was justifiable. Instead, I believe the message should be – well, although you may have a First Amendment right to tease and defame another child to the point of bullish behavior, it is NOT acceptable to me.

What should it matter if the law protects and even rewards the bad behavior of your children? Regardless of the law, being a good role model for your kid is the best lesson you can ever teach them. Be a good person. Treat each other with respect and dignity. Playing nicely with others doesn’t end in the playground. It’s something that we need to remember throughout the duration of our lives. These are the lessons that we need to live by and, most importantly, pass on to our kids.

It’s too bad that the young bully and her father in this story were too busy suing the school district to receive that message.

Anything you would like to add or share? Please comment below.

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Mental Monday: How Do You Define “Forsaking All Others?”

Here we go again.

Another celebrity with “indiscretions” is in the news and the chatter online and at the water-cooler is abuzz.

Scandalous! Exactly how many women were involved with him?!? His poor wife. He liked to do what? He did what where? He says he loves her?!? If that was my husband, I would….

We all hear about the (insert celebrities, pro-athletes, politicians) who cheat on their spouses. It makes front page news and fills the 24/7 news and gossip cycles. Their personal marital problems become subject to our opinion, judgment, and fodder.  It’s also apparent that there are people who get some sort of sad satisfaction knowing that even the “perfect” people and couples among us are not so perfect after all. These stories humanize them. The reality is, they deal with the same problems that many of us will face in our own relationships. The only difference is that our relationships are not typically available for public scrutiny.

Extramarital affairs are a common occurrence. Why is that? People claim all sorts of reasons: biological urges and impulses, revenge, avoidance, to get attention, a need for independence, to feel special or desired, etc… There are varied reports, but studies indicate that about 60% of married men and 45% of married women report an extramarital affair (Glass & White, 1992).  In a 2001 study, one researcher noted that 70%  of marriages experience an affair (Brown, 2001). And in case your head isn’t spinning yet, here is another statistic out there – 90% of first divorces included some form of infidelity (Pittman and Wagers, 2005).

That is staggering. (continues…)

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