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Mental Monday: When It Comes To Grief, Nothing Is Normal.
After a mother despairingly reached out online minutes before and hours after she learned of the tragic death of her 2 year old son last week, the world questioned her. They blamed her. And they harassed her. It’s not normal to be online when you’re at the hospital! It’s not normal to post messages hours after your son passes away!, people countered via Twitter and through the media.
Please.
Please tell me what is normal when it comes to an anguished and grieving mother. There is no “normal” when it comes to the death of a child. Children are not supposed to die before their parents. Children are supposed to bury their parents. No parent is ever prepared for the death of a child, even when the death is expected. I cannot fathom what this mother went through when she found her son at the bottom of a pool. I have no idea what it’s like to hear the words, your son has passed away, from a doctor. It is unimaginable to me and it’s most likely unimaginable to you, too. So what do we do when the unimaginable happens? Would you withdraw? Would you reach out? No one can say unless they have actually been there.
In a day and age when social networking is used by billions of people, communicating regularly to others online is as normal as saying *hi* to your next-door neighbor every morning. News from the joyous and happy to the everyday mundane to the sad and tragic are expressed daily in online forums, networks, and communities. As a social networking user for many years, I have seen first-hand many situations where someone has used social networking to announce an illness, give an updated status on a life-threatening illness, share a tragic story, or inform people of the recent death of their spouse, sibling, parent, etc… Many people need to share their horrifying and tragic situation immediately because it is essential for them to receive immediate solace and comforting. For those that have an online community that they can turn to, there is no better way to receive a large amount of instant support during a critical time.
A shocked and grieving mother reached out to her online community. She needed their prayers. She needed their strength and their comfort. What she did not need was interrogation, armchair investigation, judgment, scorn, or a pitchfork-mentality fueled backlash. No one has a right to judge or question the behavior or actions of a grieving mother who just lost her son. There is no normal behavior and there is no normal grieving process. But what is normal is for a grieving mother to expect support from her community, online or otherwise, when she needs it the most.
Anything you would like to add or share? Please comment below.
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Mental Monday: Teens and Parents as Friends? Only on Facebook.
I always cringe when I hear a parent refer to their teenager as their best friend.
Some parents may use that term loosely or merely as thoughtless hyperbole but, for just as many other parents, they really do believe it to be true. They do everything with their teenager. They confide in their child about adult-themed content. They joke about and discuss inappropriate subject matter. They gossip with their teenager about their teenage friends. And the rules, discipline, and structure that may have once been present in the home tends to wane significantly or end altogether.
Why do parents do that?
My guess is that some parents just really don’t know how to parent a teenager.
When your child gets older and enters the pre-teen and teenage years, it can be difficult for some parents to know what role to play. While some parents start tightening the reins on the increasing independence of their children, other parents loosen up and start behaving more like a friend. Many teenagers act like mini-adults and will start testing their parents as they explore their new world between childhood and adulthood. And, as I’m sure we all remember well enough, it’s a tough world to live in. You’re too old to act like a child, but you’re also too young to behave like an adult. It can be very frustrating for both the teenager and the parents.
There is no doubt that as your child grows into a teenager, your role as a parent will shift. Once a child enters the pre-teen years, they tend to seek more validity and approval from friends, rather than parents. The opinions and advice of their parents start to lose some of their power. Once a child begins the long journey of self-discovery and identity, they often turn to the people that help define their image: their peers. Many parents quickly realize that they have lost some influence over their teenager and will resort to treating their teenager as an equal. It could be out of desperation as they strive to keep their independence-seeking teenager close and connected and perhaps regain some approval and respect from their once-adoring child. (continues…)