22
Mental Monday: ‘Til Death Do Us Part
I walked along the beach with my 90 year old grandfather over the weekend. He lost his wife, my beloved grandmother, on January 1st of this year. The entire family has been reeling from her passing but, obviously, no one more so than my grandpa. As we walked along the water and watched young couples and families enjoy the beautiful sunshine, he reminisced about their life together. As a couple for 70 years, they spent a very active and full life together filled with the ups and downs of business ownership, moving across country, world travel and adventures, and the joys (and pains) of parenthood, grand-parenthood, and even great-grand-parenthood.
Now that my grandmother is gone, the grandfather I once knew is missing as well. A man who was quick to laugh and share funny stories has become more subdued. A man who worked well into his 70′s and prided himself on his excellent health is now slowing down quickly. He complains about the everyday life of living in an old man’s body. He can’t sleep and he doesn’t enjoy the same things he used to, like even a walk on the beach. That was something he and grandma would do together everyday. As we walked along, it was evident that all he could think about was her and their life together. “My partner is gone” he told me as we looked out across the ocean, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”
I didn’t ask him to elaborate what “it” meant. I knew.
His pain is the kind of pain that only the luckiest people in the world will ever know. It’s the kind of pain that I can only hope either the Dude or myself will actually experience one day, hopefully not until many many years down the road. To know this pain means that you have known a deep love that only partners in a very long and loving relationship can possibly experience. (continues…)
18
Foodie Friday: Pork Tenderloin With POM Glaze
The folks over at POM Wonderful graciously sent me a box of their 100% pomegranate juice a few weeks back. It was very kind of them. The only problem is that I don’t drink much juice and neither does my family. So, instead of drinking the juice, I decided to try out POM Wonderful in a recipe. I had been looking to change up my usual way of preparing pork tenderloin and thought that a nice pomegranate marinade or glaze would make a great meal. Since I was too lazy to try to create my own recipe, I checked online and found this pork tenderloin with pomegranate glaze recipe on www.myrecipes.com. I made a few slight changes and went from there. The meal was a huge hit with my family and we all thought the POM glaze was fantastic.
Check it out:
Pork Tenderloin with Pom Glaze
2 cups of POM Wonderful 100% pomegranate juice
1/4 cup of organic brown sugar
3 lbs of pork tenderloin, trimmed (I prefer organic)
1/2 teaspoon kosher sea salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Cooking spray
Preheat oven to 450.
Combine juice and sugar in a medium sauce pan over medium heat and bring to a boil. Cook until reduced to 1/2 cup. Pour half of the glaze into a small bowl and set aside. This portion will be used on the cooked pork, so make sure to keep it away from the raw pork!
Sprinkle pork with salt and pepper. Place pork on the rack of a broiler pan coated with cooking spray and place in pan. For an easier clean up, line the pan first with tin foil. Brush the pork with half of the glaze. Also make sure to remove the extra glaze that dripped down into the pan before putting it into the oven (see pic below – don’t do that!) Otherwise, the extra glaze will burn and the entire kitchen will fill with smoke. I know this too well. Trust. (continues…)
17
Winner of The Skin MD Natural Giveaway!
And the winner is….
#12 – Michelle!!!
Congrats!!! Please e-mail me your mailing address to mama@aintyomamasblog.com.
Thank you to everyone who entered to win the Skin MD Natural Giveaway!
15
Mental Monday: What Kind Of Parent Are You?
Authoritative Parent, Permissive Parent, Authoritarian Parent, Uninvolved Parent, Over-Parent/Helicopter Parent, Attachment Parent, etc…
If you’re a parent, chances are good that you’ve heard about some or all of these parenting approaches. Parents may find themselves questioning which one works best or which one identifies how they parent. It can be easy for some parents to try and pigeonhole themselves into one of these categories or even attempt to extricate themselves from a certain style. As most parents know, the way you parent significantly influences the development and pathology of a child. Even a child’s personality is influenced by parenting style. Although parenting style has little effect on the basic disposition of a child’s personality, it can easily impact or transform behavioral characteristics. And, all too often, those changes are not in a positive form.
So maybe we know all the different styles out there and perhaps we even identify with one or two of them. But what really matters most when it comes to how you parent? Forget labels. Forget trying to pigeonhole yourself into one category or another. What matters most are three very simple and basic parenting characteristics. Evidence from longitudinal research studies have shown that these three parenting factors produce the most well-adjusted adults and create the most harmonious parent-child relationship (L’Abate & Baggett, 1997):
- Warmth Factor
Emotional warmth is consistently found in research studies to be the most important parenting style factor. This applies to both parents. Having emotional warmth towards your child includes praise, support, approval, encouragement, expressing terms of endearment, and physical affection. Warm, loving and affectionate parents are much more likely to raise well-adjusted adults who are mentally healthy, are psychologically mature, and have adequate coping skills. However, emotional warmth comes with its own balancing act. It is easy for parents to over-praise and/or not punish inappropriate or negative behavior. While it’s important to validate good behavior or accomplishments, it’s equally important to follow through with rules and (non-abusive) discipline.
- Control Factor
Parents who have a high control frequency raise their children with many rules and will often intervene in their children’s activities. On the flip side, parents with low control frequency are too permissive and, to the extreme, negligent. Parents with a balanced sense of control will intervene when their child needs help, guidance, and support and step back when their interference is not only not warranted but also counterproductive. These parents will also maintain reasonable and age-appropriate rules, boundaries, and disciplinary actions.
- Consistency Factor
Consistency is crucial when it comes to parenting and this goes for all communication exchanged between parents and children. Consistently displaying love and warmth and consistently maintaining control and following through with discipline are all imperative to the child-parent dynamic.
Some of this information may seem like common sense to you, but it’s not always easy to apply these three essential factors into everyday parenting practices. To be able to balance a healthy dose of warmth, control, and consistency doesn’t always come naturally and we will all fail at this balancing act at some point.
Many variables influence our own parenting style, such as the way we were parented and our sociocultural and socioeconomic influences. It’s not surprising that those of us with warm and affectionate parents are more likely to become warm and affectionate parents. And, of course, the opposite is true as well. That doesn’t mean that those who did not have warm and affectionate parents are not capable of growing up to become warm and affectionate parents. It just means that applying these parenting factors may prove to be more challenging.
None of us are perfect parents and we will come up short at times. Just remember that although it’s important to recognize and own up to our parenting errors, it’s equally important to recognize that it’s not the minor parenting errors that have the greatest impact on our children. It’s the overall dynamic between parent and child, one that is filled with love, kindness, respect, support, rules, boundaries, and affection. There is little doubt that a childhood and adolescence filled with those essential components will likely transition into a well-adjusted adulthood.
Questions? Comments? Please share.
09
A Message To Mamas
Same-sex couples in Washington D.C. are now legally allowed to marry. For people around the world that support same-sex marriage, this day is a joyous day.
I, for one, am thrilled.
However, this day is also a bittersweet day. There are millions of people who are still not legally allowed to marry. Whether or not they even want to be married is not the point. The point is, they don’t even have the right. I want to see this changed within my lifetime, but I especially want to see this changed for our children.
So, in honor of:
- the many couples celebrating their love today by legally recognizing their commitment to one another,
- the many couples who do not yet have the right to marry, and
- future generations of the LGBT community that will hopefully never have to endure prejudice, hate, and discrimination
I would like to re-post an article I wrote about this topic back in October. This message is for all the moms out there who may not agree with this issue. This message is for all moms out there who may agree, but do not take a stand.
I urge you to reconsider.
Gay Rights: Why Mamas Need to Take a Stand Against Inequality
As a woman, I often think about the time before my birth and what my female ancestors had to endure.
For centuries, women have had to fight to establish equality in a very paternalistic society. Women had to band together to form the Suffrage Movement. Women fought for equality during the Civil Rights Movement and created the Feminist Movement when society still treated them like second-class citizens. In the last 100 years, women have been incredibly successful in overturning anti-discriminatory laws and creating new laws to protect our rights. There is no doubt that the time we live in now is markedly different than the era of our mothers and grandmothers.
As women:
- We lived without voting rights until 1920.
- We lived without FDA-approved birth-control until 1960.
- We lived without discrimination laws and equal opportunity in the workplace until 1964.
- We lived with sex-segregated employment ads until 1968.
- We lived without the Equal Pay Act until 1970.
- We lived without Title IX until 1972.
- We lived without reproductive rights until 1973.
- We lived without the Pregnancy Discrimination Ban until 1978.
- We lived without the Lily Ledbetter Act until 2009.
From our mothers to our great-great-great grandmothers, women have worked hard to ensure a better future for their daughters, and the women of today continue to take a stand against injustice and inequality. As women, we have lived with discrimination and intolerance. We have lived as second-class citizens. We have lived without laws to protect ourselves and our rights. So, I ask my mama-sisters, why aren’t we working harder to ensure a better future for our children and grandchildren? Why aren’t we doing more to stand up to injustice and inequality?
I live in California where Prop 22 passed in 2000 with 61.4% of the vote. On May 15, 2008, Prop 22 was ruled unconstitutional and invalidated. The reaction was mixed, to say the least. Financed by powerful religious organizations and anti-gay organizations, Prop 8 passed just this last year with 52.2% of the vote. I have gay friends who were able to legally marry without problem between May 15th and November 4th. I have other gay friends who missed that small window and do not have that same right. Shortly after the election, I was talking with a few women about the outcome. One mom mentioned that she was tired of all the talk and didn’t want her child exposed to people discussing gay rights. She said, in so many words – it’s so hard for kids these days anyways, so why do we need to add one more thing? I thought about that and replied, yes, it is hard. So why don’t we work to make it easier for them.
Opponents of gay equality rights often cite the Bible as a source for their discrimination. I take issue with that, especially as woman. I am a woman of faith, but I do not take the Bible as a literal and valid source for establishing laws in our society. If that were the case, then equality laws and protections for women would never have been created.
Many of us look back to our history and think, wow, how did women live in a world without equal rights? Within 10 years, I want people to look back and think the same thing. Legal discrimination against gays is a major problem of today. So, I ask you, let’s work to make sure that it’s still not a problem in 10 years. Let’s make sure that future generations look back and think, wow, how did people ever think that discrimination against gays and gay rights was acceptable?
The best place to start making a difference is in the home. As the parents, we are the primary role models for our children. They look to us for guidance on how to navigate this world and how to interact with others. If we are intolerant, discriminatory, and judgmental of others, our children will learn to do the same. Teach your children well. Teach them by being a role model for tolerance, acceptance, and for what is right. It might be your child that needs legal protections and anti-discriminatory laws in the future. But, even more so, it might be your child that needs to know they are always loved and accepted by you…no matter who they love.
Learn more about what you can do for gay rights:
Human Rights Campaign
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
Gay Rights
In California:
Courage Campaign
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