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Warning: Parenting Is Hazardous to Your Health
Parenting should come with a warning label.
Let’s start with pregnancy. It’s been said that the physical strain of pregnancy and childbirth can take a year off your life. For some of us, that experience might have shaved off about five years. Remember that life sucking machine from the movie, Princess Bride? Well, that’s what labor felt like for me.
After the kid is born, it’s all about the kid. You barely have time to shower and throw on some lip-gloss let alone check in with your physical and mental well-being. Sure, you’re in and out of doctors offices all the time, but you rarely (if ever) see one for yourself. Oh, you’ve had a migraine for a week? A weird bump? A lingering cough? Who has time to check in with a real doctor? That’s why they invented WebMD.
When your kid starts preschool, it’s all downhill from there. Children become carriers for all things germy and disease-ridden. There is no doubt that you will get sick when you have kids. Often. If your child has a runny nose and cough, expect to wake up the next morning with the same problem. You’ll probably get even more sick than the kid, but you don’t have time to wallow in Kleenex-wrapped pity. Get back in the kitchen and make their lunch! And, speaking of lunch, who has time to eat it? You might serve your kid organic and nutritious meals, but you’re often relegated to live off saltines, canned chili, and whatever particles of food are left on the highchair. (continues…)
30
What About Monkey?
Playing, according to Monkey
The Monkey, like his parents, has a few OCD tendencies. Just like Mama, the Monkey needs everything to be clean and organized. Examples? The Monkey enjoys lining up all his toys and will throw a fit if you move his things. He will also pull coasters out for drinks, including his milk bottle. Mama doesn’t even use coasters. Another example? Here we are at today’s playgroup. You will not see other children in the picture because they are playing. The Monkey apparently felt it was more important to sweep.
Almost there...
The Monkey, like the Dude, also enjoys cool gadgets. He especially loves pushing buttons that tend to be noisy. He will become fixated on them until Mama wants to scream. The doorbell has become his biggest source of joy. I’m concerned that his obsession will one day lead into a much bigger problem, like a ding-dong-ditching addiction. I foresee a future filled with many angry neighbors.
OK, OK, I guess these “obsessions” are actually quite common in toddlers. However, if he ever watches “What About Bob” and tells me that he can relate…I’ll blame his dad.
