21
Warning: Parenting Is Hazardous to Your Health
Parenting should come with a warning label.
Let’s start with pregnancy. It’s been said that the physical strain of pregnancy and childbirth can take a year off your life. For some of us, that experience might have shaved off about five years. Remember that life sucking machine from the movie, Princess Bride? Well, that’s what labor felt like for me.
After the kid is born, it’s all about the kid. You barely have time to shower and throw on some lip-gloss let alone check in with your physical and mental well-being. Sure, you’re in and out of doctors offices all the time, but you rarely (if ever) see one for yourself. Oh, you’ve had a migraine for a week? A weird bump? A lingering cough? Who has time to check in with a real doctor? That’s why they invented WebMD.
When your kid starts preschool, it’s all downhill from there. Children become carriers for all things germy and disease-ridden. There is no doubt that you will get sick when you have kids. Often. If your child has a runny nose and cough, expect to wake up the next morning with the same problem. You’ll probably get even more sick than the kid, but you don’t have time to wallow in Kleenex-wrapped pity. Get back in the kitchen and make their lunch! And, speaking of lunch, who has time to eat it? You might serve your kid organic and nutritious meals, but you’re often relegated to live off saltines, canned chili, and whatever particles of food are left on the highchair. (continues…)
19
Time Is Not On Our Side. It Never Was.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
-Ferris Bueller
As a child, I would count down the days to school breaks or to family vacations. As a student, I would count down days until an exam or the end of a semester. Once I started working, I would still count down minutes, hours, and days - is it 5:00 yet? Is it happy hour yet? It’s only Monday? Ugh, I wish it was Friday. Time, it seemed, often consumed me and sometimes even paralyzed me.
I’m still consumed by time, but now I often wish the clock would just stop ticking. How I would love to recapture the feeling of too much time, but I fear it’s impossible. I’m much older and wiser now. I know better. My days fly by in the blink of an eye now. You can blame it on the busyness that adulthood and responsibility brings, but it’s much more simplistic than that. Simply put, life is too short. I just didn’t realize how short it was until I had a child. (continues…)
14
Big Brother (Part I)
When two people are dating for a while, it’s only a matter of time before The Big Question starts getting asked of them: So, when are two getting married?
Immediately after they become engaged another Big Question starts coming around: So when is the Big Day?
As soon as the newlyweds step off the plane from their honeymoon, The Big Question gets much, much bigger: So, when are you two having kids?
For some married/partnered couples, that question will never get answered. But for the rest of us, we hope that the Big Questions stop as soon as we push junior out.
Not so fast. (continues…)
04
The Attack of Big-Foot!
Add this item to the list of things I wish I had known before the Monkey was born:
My old footprint (alongside the Dude's) - the new footprint might not fit in this frame.
It’s a really bad idea to buy cute and expensive shoes shortly before or after getting pregnant.
Here’s the thing: there is a really good chance that your feet will get bigger during pregnancy. Should that happen, there’s something else to understand – unlike your big belly, your feet don’t shrink back down to size. Do not believe people when they say that the bigger feet are not permanent. I dare those people to try telling that to the 50 or so size 10* shoes that have long been donated to Goodwill.
When I was pregnant, I looked into why my shoes were no longer fitting properly. Yes, I had some swelling in my feet, but that didn’t seem to be the main culprit. Turns out, the same hormone that helps the pelvic floor expand (another touchy and painful subject) will also loosen the ligaments in the feet. That hormone is called relaxin, which is such an appropriate name. All those ligaments just simply relax and let loose…literally.
For some lucky women (raises hand), the feet don’t just grow longer but they also grow wider, which can be attributed to all those extra pregnancy pounds. I really wish I had known this because I would’ve done things differently, like not buy those Tory Burch flats in celebration of my new pregnancy.
So what can be done about loose ligaments and squashed feet? You want the truth? Absolutely nothing, except to go shopping. Chances are, you”ll squeeze back into your pre-baby clothes at some point. Just don’t assume that you’ll fit back into your shoes, too.
*Yes, I am very much aware that I already had big feet to begin with. In my defense, I’m also 5’9″, so the big feet do come in handy.
23
Belly Bullies
Me @ 8 months pregnant. No, I was not carrying twins...jerk.
One of the worst things about pregnancy is dealing with people who ask intrusive or insensitive questions. And then there are those who say rude comments…or worse. Like strangers who actually put their hands on a pregnant belly without consent. You know what I call these types of people?
Belly Bullies.
Belly bullies, who tend to be other women, are the equivalent of mean girls from the 7th grade. However, they like to harass pregnant women instead.
So, who are these *belly bullies* and what do they do exactly? Let me tell you.
- They are the strangers who believe they have a right to touch your burgeoning belly. In the wise words of Billy Madison,”that’s assault, brother!” (continues…)