He had spent a weekend at home and was headed back to college, where he is a pre-med student. It was obvious that he is very passionate about his studies and career choice and had already decided on what field of medicine he wanted to study (cardiology). I was intrigued by this 20 year old man because he seemed so confident and self-aware. He told me that he has known he wanted to be a doctor since he was very young and had been preparing himself his whole life for the challenge. The sacrifices, the studying, the long hours, and lack of social life…he said he was ready for all of it. I believed him. But I was curious. Where did his drive come from? Who or what inspired him? And did he feel any pressure to become a doctor? His Asian ethnicity made me immediately think of the recent Wall Street Journal article about Chinese Mothers and I could not help but ask questions about the mother who raised him.

His mother was an immigrant from Vietnam and, although she encouraged him and his brother to do their best, there was never any pressure to study for a certain career. While he is studying to be a doctor, his brother is studying to be a filmmaker at a local art school, something that their mother supports and encourages equally. They were allowed to play sports, play any instrument of their choice, spend plenty of time with friends, and pursue whatever interested them. I said that his mother must be so proud of him and his accomplishments and goals, to which he replied with a modest shrug. His mother worries, he told me.  She worries that he works too hard and encourages him to spend more time with his girlfriend, friends, and to enjoy his college years. He brushes off her concerns, saying that if he doesn’t work hard enough, he will not achieve his goals. She certainly didn’t sound like a “Chinese Mother” to me.

He asked about my son and joked if I’m already putting any pressure on him to pursue a certain career. As we laughed about the idea of toddler LSAT and MCAT tests, I started thinking about the role I play as a mother. In reality, I don’t encourage the Monkey to do anything other than eat his veggies and share but, one day, I’ll be paying close attention to his interests and studies. Ideally, he will develop interests and find studies that he is passionate about and will pursue them to the best of his ability, but I know that’s not always the case. Children often have to be coaxed and nagged to study or practice. I can easily recall my childhood desires to stop swim practice, finish my piano lessons, and my impatience for certain classes to end. But how much is too much? When do we stop making a daughter practice the piano when it clearly no longer interests her or agree for a son to drop AP Biology when he prefers to work harder in History? Even when they nail a test or do well playing certain notes, does it even matter if they don’t find it that interesting or meaningful?

I saw the spark in the young man’s eyes when he spoke of his dreams of being a doctor, a spark his mother surely sees as well.  I hope to see that spark in my own son’s eyes one day as well, whether it’s because he wants to be a doctor, a lawyer, or an engineer. Or an artist, a writer, or an electrician. It truly doesn’t matter to me. Because without that spark, it won’t matter how hard a parent pushes. The spark cannot be generated artificially. It cannot be handed down or prompted by parents, “Chinese” or otherwise.  The spark is created from within.  And from within is the only place where that spark can truly be fueled and free to build and glow.

So many of these so-called issues are not really worth my time to argue, simply because I don’t see much harm in opting for one method of doing things over another. My motto is always this; as long as no one is emotionally or physically harmed in the process, whatever works best for your family is the ideal method of doing things. I don’t care whether or not you had a home-birth or had to be induced. I don’t care if you breast-fed or bottle-fed or whether your child wears Huggies or has been trained in Elimination Communication since birth. These types of topics do not concern any of us and we should not judge others for doing something that we ourselves do not include in our parenting repertoire.

However, there is one parenting topic that I believe warrants all the disapproval and judgment that it gets: spanking.

It upsets me to know that parents and care-takers continue to use spanking as a means to punish their children. I find it disturbing and wrong.  What bothers me most about spanking is that the emotional impact will sustain long after the pain subsides. Study after study has shown long-term negative consequences to spanking, but many parents are still not listening. The problem? Chances are that parents who spank were probably spanked by their own parents.

Rather than eliminate any negative and inappropriate behavior from children, the aggressive action behind spanking actually reinforces and validates the very behavior that the parent hopes to eradicate. Responding to a child with spanking will often lead to more tantrums and frustrated behavior. A child who is spanked will often become more aggressive over time. In the subconscious mind of a child who is spanked, they have two choices; remain the victim or become the aggressor. Not surprisingly, many children who are spanked become bullies. Some change, but many do not. Spanked children will often become parents who spank their own children. Thus, the vicious cycle continues. When will it end?

Spanking doesn’t work in the long-run. However, there are many non-aggressive behavioral training tools out there that can effectively change behavior for good. I have written on how to eliminate negative behaviors and encourage good behavior. My methodology is simple and straight-forward: consistency, clarity, and positive reinforcement. In my blog post, Raising Likable Kids, I explain tips on reinforcing positive and negative behaviors in children. These are the things that work and should be included in your discipline style. Eliminating inappropriate, aggressive, or negative behavior in children takes work and patience. If you think you can change your children with a spank, you’re absolutely right. But you’re changing them for the worse.

What say you? Please share any comments or questions.

If you’re a parent, chances are good that you’ve heard about some or all of these parenting approaches. Parents may find themselves questioning which one works best or which one identifies how they parent.  It can be easy for some parents to try and pigeonhole themselves into one of these categories or even attempt to extricate themselves from a certain style. As most parents know, the way you parent significantly influences the development and pathology of a child. Even a child’s personality is influenced by parenting style. Although parenting style has little effect on the basic disposition of a child’s personality, it can easily impact or transform behavioral characteristics. And, all too often, those changes are not in a positive form.

So maybe we know all the different styles out there and perhaps we even identify with one or two of them. But what really matters most when it comes to how you parent? Forget labels. Forget trying to pigeonhole yourself into one category or another. What matters most are three very simple and basic parenting characteristics. Evidence from longitudinal research studies have shown that these three parenting factors produce the most well-adjusted adults and create the most harmonious parent-child relationship (L’Abate & Baggett, 1997):

• Warmth Factor

Emotional warmth is consistently found in research studies to be the most important parenting style factor. This applies to both parents. Having emotional warmth towards your child includes praise, support, approval, encouragement, expressing terms of endearment, and physical affection. Warm, loving and affectionate parents are much more likely to raise well-adjusted  adults who are mentally healthy, are psychologically mature, and have adequate coping skills. However, emotional warmth comes with its own balancing act. It is easy for parents to over-praise and/or not punish inappropriate or negative behavior. While it’s important to validate good behavior or accomplishments, it’s equally important to follow through with rules and (non-abusive) discipline.

• Control Factor

Parents who have a high control frequency raise their children with many rules and will often intervene in their children’s activities. On the flip side, parents with low control frequency are too permissive and, to the extreme, negligent. Parents with a balanced sense of control will intervene when their child needs help, guidance, and support and step back when their interference is not only not warranted but also counterproductive. These parents will also maintain reasonable and age-appropriate rules, boundaries, and disciplinary actions.

• Consistency Factor

Consistency is crucial when it comes to parenting and this goes for all communication exchanged between parents and children. Consistently displaying love and warmth and consistently maintaining control and following through with discipline are all imperative to the child-parent dynamic.

Some of this information may seem like common sense to you, but it’s not always easy to apply these three essential factors into everyday parenting practices. To be able to balance a healthy dose of warmth, control, and consistency doesn’t always come naturally and we will all fail at this balancing act at some point.

Many variables influence our own parenting style, such as the way we were parented and our sociocultural  and socioeconomic influences. It’s not surprising that those of us with warm and affectionate parents are more likely to become warm and affectionate parents. And, of course, the opposite is true as well. That doesn’t mean that those who did not have warm and affectionate parents are not capable of growing up to become warm and affectionate parents. It just means that applying these parenting factors may prove to be more challenging.

None of us are perfect parents and we will come up short at times. Just remember that although it’s important to recognize and own up to our parenting errors, it’s equally important to recognize that it’s not the minor parenting errors that have the greatest impact on our children. It’s the overall dynamic between parent and child, one that is filled with love, kindness, respect, support, rules, boundaries, and affection. There is little doubt that a childhood and adolescence filled with those essential components will likely transition into a well-adjusted adulthood.

Questions? Comments? Please share.

From speeding tickets (all of us) to falling out of a 2nd story window (my sister) to getting hit by a car while riding a bike (my brother) to splitting a forehead wide open by falling on a step (my sister) to skydiving in our late teens (me, my brother), to getting into a bad moped accident in Ibiza (me) to traveling to scary foreign lands (all of us) my mom and dad became accustomed to the anxiety-induced adrenaline rush generated by the wild and accident-prone behavior of their children.

I had never really thought too much about this until I became a parent. I’ve worried about my baby boy before I even knew he was a boy. I’ve been worrying before, during, and every minute after he breathed his first breath. I think about how much I worry over him now and what it will be like in the future, when he’s driving for the first time, when he’s off to school, when he goes off into the world. I had assumed that the feelings of anxiety will only get easier.

My parents have informed me otherwise.

It’s been 30+ years since they have brought three children into the world and they still don’t have it much easier.

My brother is a psychologist in the military, a position he opted to take during this time of war.  He does not currently work in a war zone, but that could change any time. My sister, a civilian lawyer, works in Afghanistan. My parents are besides themselves with worry. They scour the news everyday. Their heart skips a beat before every phone call, especially those from an international number.  My sister has learned to check in with e-mails, even just to say nothing more than “hi.” She has learned to send an “I’m OK” mass e-mail to her immediate family before we hear about attacks in her area. Those e-mails bring most of her loved ones temporary solace during a constant state of turmoil. But, for my parents, the e-mails only validate their anxiety and fears.

I suppose it doesn’t matter if your child is 2 days, 2 months, 2 years, 22 years, or 32 years old. It doesn’t matter if your child is always with you at home, away at college, works in a “safe” city, or works in a war zone. As a parent, you will worry. A lot. It doesn’t always get easier. And, for some parents, it only gets harder.

Some parents may use that term loosely or merely as thoughtless hyperbole but, for just as many other parents, they really do believe it to be true. They do everything with their teenager. They confide in their child about adult-themed content. They joke about and discuss inappropriate subject matter. They gossip with their teenager about their teenage friends. And the rules, discipline, and structure that may have once been present in the home tends to wane significantly or end altogether.

Why do parents do that?

My guess is that some parents just really don’t know how to parent a teenager.

When your child gets older and enters the pre-teen and teenage years, it can be difficult for some parents to know what role to play. While some parents start tightening the reins on the increasing independence of their children, other parents loosen up and start behaving more like a friend. Many teenagers act like mini-adults and will start testing their parents as they explore their new world between childhood and adulthood. And, as I’m sure we all remember well enough, it’s a tough world to live in. You’re too old to act like a child, but you’re also too young to behave like an adult. It can be very frustrating for both the teenager and the parents.

There is no doubt that as your child grows into a teenager, your role as a parent will shift. Once a child enters the pre-teen years, they tend to seek more validity and approval from friends, rather than parents. The opinions and advice of their parents start to lose some of their power. Once a child begins the long journey of self-discovery and identity, they often turn to the people that help define their image: their peers.  Many parents quickly realize that they have lost some influence over their teenager and will resort to treating their teenager as an equal. It could be out of desperation as they strive to keep their independence-seeking teenager close and connected and perhaps regain some approval and respect from their once-adoring child.

There are two major problems with treating your teenager as a best-buddy.  First, the boundaries between parent and child become fuzzy and blurred. This can be a problem when you’re attempting to be their friend while struggling to exert control over them as well. Second, treating the teenager as an equal actually inhibits development while at the same time pushing the teen to grow up too fast.

Your teenager will not tell you this because it certainly isn’t something they are consciously aware of, but they need you to be their parent, not their friend. They still need guidelines and boundaries. They still need some rules and structure. You will discuss serious subject matter with your child, but it should be discussed as a parent, not as a friend. They still need you, even when they snap at you, hide in their room, or prefer to be with friends. Continue to enforce the rules, but be open to changing some of them. Perhaps give them some extra time on their curfew, but maintain consequences if they are late.  Be open with them about the changing rules and even ask for their input, but be reasonable. Know who their friends are and where they’re going. Have them check in with you. If you allow them to join social networking sites, like Facebook or Twitter, keep tabs on them. Lastly, trust your teenager unless proven otherwise. And if you feel something is amiss or that there is something going on, talk to them.

Here are some great tips on how to communicate with your teenager. I adapted this list from Psych Central:

How To Communicate:

• Be a good listener. If your teen is willing to share something — anything — accept it for the precious and rare moment it is. Listen non-judgmentally. Rule to live by: Listen twice as much as you speak.
• Respect their privacy. If your teenager sees that you understand their need for private phone calls and a closed bedroom door, they may be more willing to share some of their inner world with you.
• Give increasing autonomy. If your teenager believes that you trust their judgment, and understand their need for growing independence, they will be more likely to talk with you when real issues arise.
• Accept all of their feelings, as long as they are respectfully conveyed.
• Apologize when you are wrong.
• Talk to them. Schedule time to talk about unappealing topics, such as homework or curfews. Focus on what your teenager got right, before offering constructive criticism.

How NOT to Communicate:

• Avoid lecturing, nagging, and guilt trips.
• Let them trust you. Don’t reveal to others the confidences your teenager has shared with you. Your teenager may not risk offering you intimate thoughts again for some time to come.
• Rephrase your questions. For example, instead of saying, “Why are you 15 minutes late getting home?,” say “I noticed you missed your curfew by 15 minutes.” A subtle difference, but one that will be met with less resistance.

Do you have any other suggestions or comments? Please share!

[disclaimer]

Let’s start with pregnancy. It’s been said that the physical strain of pregnancy and childbirth can take a year off your life. For some of us, that experience might have shaved off about five years. Remember that life sucking machine from the movie, Princess Bride? Well, that’s what labor felt like for me.

After the kid is born, it’s all about the kid. You barely have time to shower and throw on some lip-gloss let alone check in with your physical and mental well-being. Sure, you’re in and out of doctors offices all the time, but you rarely (if ever) see one for yourself. Oh, you’ve had a migraine for a week? A weird bump? A lingering cough? Who has time to check in with a real doctor? That’s why they invented WebMD.

When your kid starts preschool, it’s all downhill from there. Children become carriers for all things germy and disease-ridden. There is no doubt that you will get sick when you have kids. Often. If your child has a runny nose and cough, expect to wake up the next morning with the same problem. You’ll probably get even more sick than the kid, but you don’t have time to wallow in Kleenex-wrapped pity. Get back in the kitchen and make their lunch! And, speaking of lunch, who has time to eat it? You might serve your kid organic and nutritious meals, but you’re often relegated to live off saltines, canned chili, and whatever particles of food are left on the highchair.

Physical health aside, let’s talk about something that can wreak even more havoc on the body. I’m talking about our mental well-being. Were you anxious and neurotic before kids? Yes? That was nothing. Expect your anxiety level to multiply a thousand times. Not only is the world a dangerous place, but so is your house. If you’re like me, every single drawer and cabinet door is child-proofed.  There are baby gates everywhere. There is an alarm on all the doors (just in case the kid tries to escape). TV’s are secured or strapped against the wall. All cords are stored away, oven doors and toilet seats are locked, and there is absolutely nothing breakable around. The kid’s room is practically empty other than a few stuffed animals and a baby monitor. Sometimes all you want is some peace and quiet, but once you finally get it you’ll freak out that something is wrong.

There is no peace. Ever.

Your mind will always be thinking about the what if’s. You hear of horrible stories and experiences from other parents and then play the “what-if-that-happened-to us?” scenario over and over in your mind. There’s a good chance that the new cough or slight fever is the H1N1.  You worry about letting your kids walk down the street or go to a friend’s house. You worry about vaccinating. Is Jenny McCarthy right? Will my kid end up like Rain Main if I vaccinate against polio? Maybe polio isn’t such a bad thing.

Is it any wonder why there are so many mom blogs and twitter accounts with the words – alcohol, bottle, rum, drink, etc… So many of these moms are so stressed out that they don’t know how else to cope. Drinking moms could be laughed off as being cliche if major tragedies didn’t occur from play-dates fueled with martini’s. We’ve all heard the horror stories about that. So, while some moms drink, others need Trazadone just to ease their restless and worried mind. I have a feeling that the consumer demand for sleep medication is dominated by parents of young children.

On a serious note, it’s not that uncommon to put yourself second (or third, fourth, etc…) behind your kids.  We will (literally) break our backs for our kids, but even that might not be a good enough reason to tend to ourselves. We need to prioritize our own physical and mental health, too. We need to eat well, exercise, and stay healthy. We need good coping mechanisms to deal with stress: think yoga, lunch with friends, or a walk around the neighborhood. We need to sometimes check out in order to check in with ourselves. As difficult as it might be, take some time every week to do something for yourself. Parents are caretakers and the role of a caretaker is often the most difficult job in the world. You’re so busy tending and fretting over other people that you don’t do the same for yourself. Make the time. Get your partner, family member, or friend to watch the kid(s) for a few hours every week and don’t feel guilty for doing so. Your family, your body, and your sanity will thank you for it.

Shush!

As I fondly look back at my pre-kid years of blissful slumber, I wonder how I’ve been managing to get through my parenting days with roughly 6 hours of sleep a night. Mind you, that is not always 6 consecutive hours of sleep. That would be manageable. No, my sleep stages are sometimes peppered with little interruptions from the Monkey. There are nights when he will sleep peacefully through the night. But then, as most parents experience, there are nights when it is a battle to get to the Delta zone.

We all hear from parents who claim that their children have slept through the night since they were 2 months old. Unless you CIO, Ferberize, or do some other form of sleep-training that involves crying-it-out, infants that sleep through the night are not typical. I had heard about CIO and Dr. Ferber way before I had a kid. I had been educated and trained in behavior modification, so this was nothing new to me. However, I had never actually attempted to personally modify the sleep behavior of an infant, especially my own infant. To say it was much more difficult than I anticipated would be a huge understatement.

Like many desperately tired and cranky new parents, I tried CIO. I would listen to my baby cry for up to 3 hours. It was the most awful sound to hear, not because I was tired but because my child was distressed and needed comforting. After a few nights of attempting CIO, it became painfully obvious that it was not for us. Not only did it not work, but we were all exhausted, frustrated, and upset. The Monkey simply slept better when he co-sleeped with us or was at least in the same room. I also couldn’t help but wonder if his cries of distress would leave some indelible mark upon his fragile little psyche. I didn’t want to find out.

None of this is to say that I think CIO or the Ferber Method is wrong. All parents will meet advocates of these methods who will say that it worked wonders for their family. I have no doubt about that. However, just like any other popular parenting theory, what works for one family might not work for another.

The Monkey has been sleeping very well in his own room for about a year. He pretty much just grew out of needing us to rock him to sleep or lie by his side. For the most part, he sleeps through the night but there are still nights (like last night!) where he wakes up and walks into our room. He doesn’t usually cry out in distress unless he is teething or had a nightmare. He usually just needs a hug or wants us to put him back to bed. It’s pretty obvious that, just like anyone else, there are days (and nights) when he just needs a little extra love.

Proponents of strict sleep-training methods might say that I’m an enabler or that my kid will never learn to sleep properly. Not true. It’s perfectly normal for infants, toddlers, and children to periodically wake up through the night or simply have trouble going to sleep. We all know it’s fairly common for adults, too, hence the supply and demand of sleep medication on the market. There will always be nights when your kid needs a little extra comforting, for whatever reason. I don’t see the harm in that. Letting your child know that you’re there for them when they need you is never a bad thing. I actually really don’t mind being a little tired the next day if my Monkey needs one more hug in the middle of the night or for me to wrap him up in his blankie. One day, he won’t need me as much, and I’ll be looking back on these tired days with fondness. I might be more well-rested in the future, but there’s a good chance I’ll be waking up with a wish to hug my little boy to sleep…just one more time.

If you are someone who stays home with infants or toddlers, you are required to work 24/7, including holidays. You are always on-call. You get no breaks (unless you count nap-time, but that’s usually code for chore-time) and the pay is lousy. Sure, the boss might be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen and will melt your heart with a smile, but he or she is probably also one of the most ungrateful people you’ve ever met. There is never a “please” or a ”thank you” for all your hard work.  Oh, and the boss has probably pissed, pooped, or vomited all over you…at least a hundred times.

You know, any other employee would have a legitimate lawsuit against their boss for doing such inhumane things. Stay-at-home-parents just get to do it all over again tomorrow.

Where’s a union when you need one?

Enough is Enough is right.

In the article and short video clip, Jon claims that he was a victim of Kate’s emotional and verbal abuse and that he was “beaten down” by Kate. She also forced him to disconnect from his family. In the longer interview, which airs tonight, Jon states that he despises Kate. I won’t be watching the rest of it.

Like a lot of people, I can’t help but follow the demise of Kate and Jon Gosselin’s marriage. Perhaps it’s because their family drama continues to make headline news and front page covers, even months after they broke the news that they had separated. Now it seems like the war of words between the two have escalated to full-blown attacks. Whether or not Jon was a victim of emotional abuse is not for any of us to judge. Jon and Kate may have brought us into their home every week, but no one will ever know the full truth except for the two of them. What we do know is this – disparaging comments have been made about each other by both parties.

Jon and Kate are certainly not the only celebrities to publicly display their disaffection for the mother or father of their children. The divorce battle between Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin or Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are somewhat notorious in the “what-not-to-do” category. Most recently, Anne Heche called her ex-husband a “lazy ass” on The Late Show with David Letterman while Travis Barker tweeted “my Babies (sic) mama is a piece of sh*t.”

Is all this public airing of dirty divorce laundry merely an attempt to boost ratings for their shows? Is it a transparent attempt to secure public sympathy? Or is it simply because the famous parents involved don’t quite understand the ramifications of their loose lips. I have a feeling that there is always a PR person in the background smirking with glee when a famous client unleashes private issues to the press. After all, for people who rely on publicity, bad press is better than no press. Whatever the motives are, there is a fundamental problem with all this bashing and trashing and it affects no one more than their children.

One of the biggest issues with divorce is how you handle the break-up with your children. It’s fairly simple, really. Don’t trash-talk the mother or father of your children. During a bitter separation or divorce, one might understandably need to vent. In some cases, parents vent to their children as a motive for them to take sides or to understand their reasons for the divorce. However, talking negatively about another parent isn’t hurting the other parent. It’s really only hurting the children.

When children hear something negative about a parent, they will often interpret it as something about themselves. Children are creations of their parents and they are a reflection of them. When a child hears that their father is a deadbeat loser or their mother is a controlling bitch, a child may wonder if they are as well. Hurtful words about parents are internalized and the children caught in a tug-of-words between parents will often become sad, angry, anxious, or depressed. They may act out. They may join forces with one parent and turn against the other. It is often devastating for a child to hear words that shatter their perception of mom or dad. And a shattered perception is not always capable of being repaired.

When Jon and Kate announced their plans to divorce, they both stated that their priority is the well-being of their children. It’s hard for viewers to take those words seriously when recent articles and interviews are filled with scathing attacks about one another.  Of course, most families going through a divorce aren’t headlined on CNN or People Magazine and they certainly aren’t sitting down for a nationwide television interview. Famous or not, it’s important to keep in mind that our words are powerful to the people we love. In the long run, it doesn’t really matter to us what happened between Jon and Kate and it certainly doesn’t affect us. But it does matter in the lives of their children.

Whether you’re going through a tough time in your partnership or have been divorced for years, just remember to keep things respectful. It’s tough for people to remember the good stuff when there doesn’t seem to be anything good left within a relationship. However difficult, it’s important to highlight the positive things about your partner or former partner to your children. Keep the negative stuff out of those discussions with your children. The children of divorce have enough tough stuff to deal with as it is. It is a confusing, painful, anxious, and sad time for most kids and those feelings can linger for years.  In some cases, they never go away. It’s also, obviously, an extremely tough time for the parents. However, it’s up to the parents to keep things civilized and respectable. And if one needs to vent, well, that’s why we have good friends and therapists.

I really don’t like bumper stickers.

I don’t care about your Alma Mater, even if it’s the same as mine. I don’t care that you’re pro-life or pro-choice . I don’t want to see the equivalent of a gravestone on your rear window or that you clearly love Papas and Beer (why are those stickers always lopsided?). I also don’t care to know that you voted for Bush/Cheney back in 2004 (you really want to advertise that one?) or that you actually think Palin has a shot in 2012. The only clear shot Palin has is directly aimed at a moose.

However, my biggest issue with bumper sticker trends is anything related to family, especially those ridiculous stick figure families. The ones with names drive me especially crazy.

Why?

Well, because just like the “My Child is an Honor Student at ABC Elementary” and “Baby on Board” stickers, I don’t care for advertising family. I think it’s a big risk to let strangers know where your kid goes to school or that you have an infant in the car. I don’t care about who is in your car or the names of your kids, but you know who might? The neighborhood pedophile. The sex offender that lives in your area. The criminally insane person that decides to follow you home from the store. The jerk on the freeway who you accidentally cut off and is now driving behind you in a threatening and aggressive manner. Yeah. I really don’t want those people to know that I’m a part of the Smith household, I have three children (Jack, Jane, and Jill), two dogs, and my kids go to such-and-such school.

The bottom line is this: there are crazy and dangerous people in the world. And the less they know about you and your family, the better.