My father, my half-brother and my half-sister flew in from the the East Coast for a visit last week. My half-brother is 14 and my half-sister is 10.

I was 20 years old and away at college when my brother was born. I was in graduate school when my sister was born. Since we’re decades of age apart, didn’t grow up together, and live across the country from each other, I obviously don’t have a normal sisterly relationship with them. I love them as I do the sister and brother I grew up with, but it’s a very different relationship.  Over time, I have developed a dynamic with them that is seems half-mother/half-sister. When you’re old enough to be the mother of your siblings (and often get mistaken for the mom…ugh), it’s easy to find yourself playing the mom role just as easily as it is to be the sister.

During our visits, I find myself shifting between this mother role and the sister role. I can ask my brother and sister to help with dinner, stop running down the hardwood stairs in slippery socks, or clean up after themselves just as easily as I can find myself on the couch with them playing DJ Hero, teasing and giggling with them as if I were their age.  At the same time, I need to monitor myself like I would with any other kids around, like watch my language and avoid inappropriate topics.  And when topics come up that aren’t necessarily inappropriate, but definitely on the serious side, it can be confusing as to how to handle it. For one thing, my sister and brother aren’t even half as sheltered as I was growing up. It’s not because of how they are parented but rather it’s due to the world they and their friends live in. Their access to the world is staggering and their precociousness is reminiscent of my young adult self and certainly not my tween and teen self.

As I walked along with my 10 year old sister one day last week, we got to talking about marriage. As we passed by a gay couple on the street, our conversation led to gay relationships and marriage. When I mentioned that gay marriage is not legal here in California, she stopped walking. Looking incredulous and surprised, she looked up at me and said, “Wait, gay marriage isn’t legal here?!?” I could only respond, “No, it isn’t.” She was silent for a few minutes, which is unusual for her, and pondered that.

Perhaps it was my tone that ended the conversation. It was a tone that took me back to my own youth when I asked questions of my parents that could not easily be explained. I became a mother in that tone, even though I wanted to talk like a sister. But I couldn’t do that. How could I possibly respond to a 10 year old that lives in a State where gay marriage is legal and explain why it isn’t legal everywhere? How could I explain to her that those of us who support gay rights and equality were outvoted by those who do not. I didn’t necessarily want to have that conversation, only because it makes me angry and upset. I didn’t want to put that on my 10 year old sister when, even though she is shockingly mature and smart, she’s simply not old enough to listen to what I have to say about the subject. One day, we’ll have that conversation. But, at that moment in time, I simply changed the subject and started teasing her like any other big sister.

Ready to go play with the pool guy's dog

We don’t have a dog yet, but we would like to have one soon. The Monkey will be 3 in October and I think 3 is a great age to welcome your first dog.

The process to find a perfect dog for our home has already been challenging. We joined two wait lists with local agencies to adopt a rescue dog quite a while ago. We knew the wait would be long, but the reality is that it might not happen at all. Both agencies told us that it’s difficult to place a rescue dog in a home with a very young child, even if that dog came from a family with young kids. So we waited. The question is, nearly two years later, do we still wait? I think we’ve waited long enough.

Since we won’t buy a dog from a pet store or from any other puppy mill,  it’s time to start looking for a good breeder with a reputable history. Now comes the hard part – what type of breed will work for our family? The Dude was raised mostly with Golden Retrievers while I raised with a few different mutts. We both love Golden and Labrador Retrievers, but I’m concerned about their size and shedding issue.

Here’s a few other considerations. The majority of our home has dark maple wood flooring that can scratch easily. I know what you’re thinking – yes, we were dumb to install flooring like that with a toddler. Not only is it getting scratched here and there but it is, by far, the most challenging floor I’ve ever had to keep clean. And I’ve even had white carpeting! I have to break out the Bona cleaner at least once a day, but I also blame that on my OCD cleaning habits. All of this is to say that we’ll need a dog that doesn’t mind getting his nails clipped regularly and doesn’t shed that much.  I believe that may rule out the Retrievers.

More importantly than shedding and cleaning, I want a friendly dog. A dog that can be trained easily. I want a dog that will play with my son but not be too aggressive or jumpy.  I also want a dog that won’t bark all the time, like when the doorbell or phone rings.

I have many concerns simply because I want a dog that will fit most of our needs. But my biggest priority is what dog will be best for a toddler and for our family. So, now my question goes out to all my readers out there who grew up with dogs or who many have a family dog now:

What type of dog is your perfect family dog?

I was recently contacted on behalf of the Ad Council, the Coalition to End Childhood Lead Poisoning, the Environmental Protection Agency and Housing And Urban Development (HUD) in the hope to help spread more awareness about lead-based poisoning. These four agencies have joined forces to create a new website devoted to the dangers of lead. It’s called Lead Free Kids and I urge every parent and caretaker to check it out to learn more.

Lead is a very toxic metal that affects more than one million children today. It can be especially harmful for children under the age of six. It’s important for every parent and caretaker to know the dangers associated with lead, where to look for it, and the symptoms of lead poisoning.

Where lead can be found:

• If you live in a house or apartment that was built before 1978, there is a very good chance that it was originally painted with lead-based paint. This is important to know because even though there may be several layers of new paint over the original paint, paint chips and dust from deteriorating paint may contain lead.
• Lead can be found in the soil around your home and in your drinking water.
• You can also find lead in older playground equipment, artificial turf made from rubber, and older or antique toys.
• Although there is a U.S. ban on the use of lead in the manufacturing of children’s products that does not mean that all toys and other children’s products are guaranteed safe. There have been recent recalls associated with lead in certain toys, jewelery, and other products for children.  Keep an eye out for all recalls, including children’s products at www.recalls.gov.

Symptoms of lead-poisoning in children:

• Symptoms vary from person to person and will be different in children and adults.
• Children under the age of six are at particular risk because they often put objects in their mouth or don’t wash their hands frequently.
• Symptoms in children can include irritability, loss of appetite, weight-loss, lethargy, abdominal pain, vomiting, constipation, anemia, kidney failure, hearing loss, delayed development, learning disabilities, and behavioral problems.
• If you suspect lead-poisoning, call your doctor to get a blood test.

Ways to protect your family and children from lead:

• Keep your home clean and dust-free.
• Make repairs to any deteriorating paint.
• Wash children’s hands, toys, pacifiers, and bottles often.
• Make sure to feed your family healthy meals. Children who eat a healthy, balanced diet absorb less lead.
• Test your home for lead-based paint if it was built before 1978. You can find more information about how to test your home through the Environmental Protection Agency.
• If you are renovating or remodeling your home, make sure that your contractor has been trained in lead-safe practices.

To learn more information about the dangers of lead and what to do about it, please visit Lead Free Kids.

To help spread information about the dangers of lead poisoning, the folks behind Lead Free Kids have offered one of my readers a give-away of a key light, power clip magnet, and a water bottle. To enter the give-away, just leave a comment below. For additional entries, please do the following:  tweet this post, follow AYMB on twitter, follow The Coalition to End Childhood Lead Poisoning on twitter and/or on Facebook, post this information on your Facebook page, and/or write about this issue on your blog and include the Lead Free Kids website.

I’ll draw a comment number using www.random.org on Wednesday, July 7th. Good luck and please keep spreading the word about the dangers associated with lead.

Disclaimer: I was not compensated for this post or give-away.

The best moments in life are not filled with words. Only love. The Dude and The Monkey, on vacation, in 2008.

Seven years ago, this week, I was introduced to the Dude by my sister.

Before I met him, there was a trend with most of the guys I dated. The more I got to know them, the less I liked them. The opposite was true with the Dude. After every e-mail, phone call, or date, I liked him even more. Within a month, I knew this guy had *The One* potential. But what really locked my heart up was something he said to me shortly after we started dating.

During one of our many conversations about life ambitions, goals, and dreams, the Dude mentioned that he could not wait to be a father. That really floored me, mostly because having kids was the last thing on my mind. I had too many other important things to do, like finish my graduate degree and get a promotion. But here was this highly ambitious and successful 26 year old man telling me that the most important thing he ever wanted to become was a good dad. In that same conversation, he questioned how he would be able to handle the task of working grueling hours at a law firm and being present for his future kids.  He wanted to be there for every milestone, every first day of school, every parent-teacher meeting, and every soccer game. In fact, he wanted to coach the soccer team.  He told me right then and there that he would quit his job if it meant he couldn’t be there for his kids. Despite not knowing him very well at the time, I believed him. Seven years and one kid later, I still believe him. Because it’s true.

When I became pregnant with the Monkey, the Dude became more and more anxious. He was a fast-rising star in his San Francisco law firm, but he (and we) paid the consequences for it. Working late hours and all weekend became the norm. Dinner reservations would be canceled, trips would be postponed, and many hot meals that I cooked became cold leftovers for the next day. It was a miracle if we could get to bed at the same time. We were not able to spend quality time together and neither one of us was happy about it. When our Monkey was born, the Dude took 2 months off of work to help with the baby. It was a financial and career sacrifice, but it was something the Dude insisted on doing for our family. Being with his newborn son 24 hours a day was an incredibly special time for all of us, which made it all the harder when he finally went back to work. Once again, the late nights at the office and working weekends became our routine.  We started talking about Plan B but, what that plan was, we didn’t know. All we knew was that something had to change.

Something did change. When the Monkey was 5 months old, the Dude received a job offer in Southern California. It meant that he could work normal business hours. It meant dinner at home every night and family weekends. It meant that vacations didn’t need to be postponed. It meant that family life was the priority and that the Dude no longer had to worry about missing anything. It also meant a pay-cut and that he was no longer on partner-track at a law firm. But, if you ask him, that wasn’t much of a sacrifice. The ultimate sacrifice in life is when you’re sacrificing valuable time with your kids and family.

I know now why I never anticipated having a child. It’s only because I had never met anyone I wanted to have a child with until I met the Dude.  I knew from the start that he would make a good dad and I was right. It’s the best thing I’ve ever been right about. He is a good dad and one that only gets better at it each and every day. That alone makes me love him more every day.

Happy Father’s Day to the Dude, my own wonderful father, grandfather, father-in-law, brother and all the other good dads out there. You are loved and appreciated. Keep doing what you’re doing…and continue to help inspire the next generation of good dads.

photo from NY Daily News

Before I left my teen years behind, I had three speeding tickets, one solo trip to Spain for a summer, and had jumped out of an airplane. To say I was adventurous (and obviously even reckless at times) is an understatement. I lived for an adrenaline-rush. I craved adventure. I occasionally attempted death-defying activities. I give thanks every day that I made it out of my teen years alive.

My parents didn’t encourage any of these activities. In fact, they made it a point to strongly discourage me. I give them most of the credit for helping me enter adulthood safe and sound.

When I read about 16 year old Abby Sunderland and her extreme goal to sail around the world solo, her behavior and drive didn’t really surprise me. Many, if not most, teenagers are adventurous and crave adrenaline-inducing activities. Many teenagers believe they have the maturity, skills, knowledge, and wisdom of most adults. If not more! Many teenagers believe they are indestructible and live their lives as if harm nor death can ever touch them. It takes a while for them to understand otherwise.

There is a developmental reason why teenagers still need parenting and guidance, especially when they are more inclined to risky and carefree behavior. Teenagers often lack the cognitive ability to make good decisions. Why? Because the adolescent brain is not yet fully developed. Research shows that the prefrontal cortex region of the brain, the area that processes complex cognitive functioning, behaviors, and decision-making skills, is the last part of the brain to mature. The prefrontal cortex, which handles planning, setting priorities, social behavior, weighing consequences, and suppressing impulses, is not fully developed until about the age of 25.

When children show talent and drive for something, even something as risky as sailing around the world solo, we should encourage them to take the time to hone and develop their skills. The same can be said for giving them the time to develop their cognitive functioning.  Rushing development and cognitive processing is not only unwise, but can lead to disastrous consequences as well. When you put a child in a situation that calls for highly developed cognitive skills, critical decision-making tools, and the ability to suppress risky impulses, there will usually be consequences.

The parents of Abby Sunderland encouraged her dream to become a skilled sailor and there is no doubt that, at the age of 16, she is one already. Yet when they pushed and encouraged her to use that special talent in such a risky way, the world witnessed the rescue of distressed teenager in the middle of the Indian Ocean. No dream is big enough to be worth all of that. And it certainly isn’t worth encouraging.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

Have you heard about Tight Bod With a Pod yet?

I was introduced to this fabulous website earlier this year and was so impressed with their helpful tips for mamas and mamas-to-be that I wrote a blog post about it. TBWaP has quickly become one of my favorite resources for parenting and lifestyle topics.

I am clearly a big fan, so it was an honor when they asked me to contribute an article. It’s up on the website now, so check it out! And while you’re there, make sure to sign up for their daily newsletter.

While at my neighborhood park the other day, I started chatting with a mom while our boys played together on the playset. This isn’t unusual for me since I tend to strike up conversations with other parents at the park, especially if our kids are interacting together. I’ll exchange a few pleasantries, chat about the kids, and then go on my way. Maybe I’ll see them again, but often I don’t. It doesn’t matter much to me anyways.

But this time was different.

This mom was really cool and I liked her immediately.  We simply had one of those conversations that just *clicked.* Within a matter of minutes, we learned a great deal about each other and discovered we had quite a bit in common. I felt a connection and wanted to get know her more. I could tell she felt the same way, too. But, then the Dude arrived at the park to surprise the Monkey and, after an introduction and a few more minutes of chatting, she turned away to run after her boys and we started getting ready to head home. I didn’t quite know how to approach her after that, so I left without getting her digits.

I learned something that day. Picking up on other moms is hard to do.

It’s one thing to meet new mom (or dad) friends at playgroups, sports, lessons, or through school, but how do you ignite a friendship with someone you just met and connected with…but have no way of knowing if you’ll ever see them again? Is it weird to ask for a number or e-mail address (or offer your own) in a matter of minutes? I don’t have much, if any experience with this sort of thing. Nearly everyone I call a friend just somehow became a part of my world, mostly through regular interactions at places like work or school or through mutual friends. Between my real life friends, acquaintances,  and online community of blogging buddies, I don’t actively look to expand my social network.  But, just like when you’re looking for romance, friendships can often be found when you’re least expecting it.

I have a new appreciation for the men and women who are confident and brave enough to ask someone they just met for their information. I’m sure they fail at times, but I’m certain they ultimately succeed as well. And what’s the big deal if someone says no, right? At least they took a chance and asked.

I think I missed an opportunity to become friends with someone I thought was really cool. I hope I see her at the park again one day. And, if I do, I’ll make sure to take a chance.

favorite iphone apps for toddlers

On a beautiful sunny San Francisco morning in late October of 2007, I pushed my son into this world. Before the epidural had even worn off, the Dude gave me what I consider the best *push* present ever: an iphone.

That morning, I was introduced to two things I can’t live without.

Now that my son is exactly 2.5 years old, I rely on my iphone even more these days. There are a ton of great apps to keep the little ones distracted and entertained when necessary. While we’re standing in a long line at the grocery store or sitting at the doctor’s office, I simply select a few apps to entertain (and even educate) my son while we wait. Please note that most of these apps will require assistance, so don’t hand the iphone over to the toddler and let them have at it, especially if your kid is like mine. You’ll be upgrading to the next iphone version much earlier than you would like.

Without further ado, these are my 15 favorite toddler-friendly apps that are a no-fail solution to a cranky and impatient child.

The Top 15 Toddler-Friendly Apps (prices reflect today’s post date)

Baby Grand ($1.99) – got a little Beethoven on your hands? This app is a keyboard that can help a toddler play along to different nursery songs or they can play their own masterpiece. There are 3 instruments included – piano, marimba, and guitar and you can choose a pink or blue keyboard.

Bubble Wrap (Free!) – OK, I got this mindless app for me since popping bubble wrap is ridiculous fun, but my toddler immediately loved this app as well. Who wouldn’t? Popping bubble wrap is absurdly addictive. Just watch out for disjointed fingers after a while.

Dr. Seuss ABC ($2.99) - who doesn’t love Dr. Seuss? This app is perfect for toddlers learning the alphabet since it encourages kids to make the connection between letters, their sounds, and their meanings. There are 3 ways to use the app – “read to me”, “read it myself” and “auto play.”

Elmo’s Monster Maker ($3.99) – if your toddler is like any other toddler, he or she LOVES Elmo and Sesame Street. Make a monster friend by choosing a monster body and then adding eyes, a nose and a hat. Elmo will then dance and play with your toddler’s specially-made monster!

Fish School ($0.99) – by the makers of Wheels on the Bus, Fish School lets children play with a school of fish that change into numbers, letters, shapes, and colors.

Fresh Water Aquarium ($0.99) – who needs a real aquarium when you’ve got this app? Your toddler can feed the fish and make them grow! There are 19 species of fish available and you can have up to 35 in the tank.

Grover’s Number Special ($2.99) – Grover is in the kitchen cooking and counting ingredients to make a healthy meal!

I Hear Ewe ($0.99) – A toddler can touch different animal pictures to hear what sound they make. The updated version also features different vehicles, such as firetrucks and trains. My son loves this app and has picked up a few new sounds from it.

iplayphone ($0.99) – the sounds can be quite annoying, but toddlers love this app. This app lets kids press the bright colored phone buttons and hear crazy sounds.

More Toast! ($0.99) – I love this app as much as my kid. It’s pure entertainment as you pop some bread in the toaster and then make sandwiches with different varieties of condiments and foods. Your kids can get very creative (and quite gross) with this app.

Nick, Jr’s A-Z With Moose and Zee ($1.99) – we are BIG fans of Nick, Jr. in my house and we love Moose and Zee. These adorable characters help toddlers find hidden letters and learn letter shapes with fun, colorful, and very interactive games.

Simon Classic (Free!) – yet another app I downloaded for my nostalgic self, but my toddler loves this game as well. It’s a great memory game that’s fun for both kids and adults!

Scribble ($0.99) – a fun way for toddler to paint on the screen. After you draw, just shake the iphone to erase! For those of us that loved Etch-a-Sketch as kids, this app is a must-have for our own kids.

Sprout Player (Free!) – this app is from PBS Kids Sprout and features the different shows, including the Sunny Side Up show. New podcasts are added regularly and will automatically be streamed to your app.

Wheels on the Bus  ($0.99) – Wheels on the Bus is an interactive playbook that allows the toddler to scroll along with a bus on the move. Each scene has images for the toddler to poke or slide. This is a very fun app that always gets giggles from my little one. You can also listen in French, Spanish, German, or Italian!

Youtube (always free) – aside from iphone apps, I also rely on kid-friendly youtube videos for my toddler. My youtube favorites include various Sesame Street and Nick, Jr. videos as well as toddler-friendly music videos. Our latest favorite music video is from the band OK Go called This Too Shall Pass, Rube Goldberg edition. It is a must-see for people of all ages!

Got any must-have apps for toddlers? Please share!

When it comes to bringing children into this world, there is an abundance of divisive topics- “natural” births vs. medicated/C-section births, breast-feeding vs. formula-feeding, disposable diapers vs. cloth diapers, pacifiers vs. no-pacifiers, and so forth.

So many of these so-called issues are not really worth my time to argue, simply because I don’t see much harm in opting for one method of doing things over another. My motto is always this; as long as no one is emotionally or physically harmed in the process, whatever works best for your family is the ideal method of doing things. I don’t care whether or not you had a home-birth or had to be induced. I don’t care if you breast-fed or bottle-fed or whether your child wears Huggies or has been trained in Elimination Communication since birth. These types of topics do not concern any of us and we should not judge others for doing something that we ourselves do not include in our parenting repertoire.

However, there is one parenting topic that I believe warrants all the disapproval and judgment that it gets: spanking.

It upsets me to know that parents and care-takers continue to use spanking as a means to punish their children. I find it disturbing and wrong.  What bothers me most about spanking is that the emotional impact will sustain long after the pain subsides. Study after study has shown long-term negative consequences to spanking, but many parents are still not listening. The problem? Chances are that parents who spank were probably spanked by their own parents.

Rather than eliminate any negative and inappropriate behavior from children, the aggressive action behind spanking actually reinforces and validates the very behavior that the parent hopes to eradicate. Responding to a child with spanking will often lead to more tantrums and frustrated behavior. A child who is spanked will often become more aggressive over time. In the subconscious mind of a child who is spanked, they have two choices; remain the victim or become the aggressor. Not surprisingly, many children who are spanked become bullies. Some change, but many do not. Spanked children will often become parents who spank their own children. Thus, the vicious cycle continues. When will it end?

Spanking doesn’t work in the long-run. However, there are many non-aggressive behavioral training tools out there that can effectively change behavior for good. I have written on how to eliminate negative behaviors and encourage good behavior. My methodology is simple and straight-forward: consistency, clarity, and positive reinforcement. In my blog post, Raising Likable Kids, I explain tips on reinforcing positive and negative behaviors in children. These are the things that work and should be included in your discipline style. Eliminating inappropriate, aggressive, or negative behavior in children takes work and patience. If you think you can change your children with a spank, you’re absolutely right. But you’re changing them for the worse.

What say you? Please share any comments or questions.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

Did you know that the month of April has been designated Alcohol Awareness Month? I didn’t either until I was contacted on behalf of the new Underage Drinking website, which was developed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. This new public education website was created in support of the Surgeon General’s call to action to bring more awareness to parents about the negative effects of drinking alcohol at an early age. Alcohol abuse is a critical issue because it remains the  biggest substance abuse problem among our youth.

Some startling facts about underage drinking:

• Children who first use alcohol before the age of 15 are six times more likely to have alcohol problems than those who start drinking after the age of 21.
• 40% of children have tried alcohol before 8th grade.
• 75% of high school seniors have tried alcohol.
• According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, approximately 5,000 people under the age of 21 die as a result of drinking alcohol.
• 11% of 8th graders, 22% of 10th graders, and 29% of 12th graders have engaged in heavy episodic  (binge) drinking.
• Children are starting to drink much earlier than ever before. The average age of first use in 2003 was 14. In 1965, the average age was 17.5.

The new website suggests short and frequent discussions rather than have “the talk” which can be long and intimidating for children. Many children will simply tune parents out, especially if they are being talked *at* and not *to.* When you start a dialogue with your child, make sure to ask them questions and make time for their questions, too. Another important factor is to establish your rules and thoughts on alcohol use early and consistently.

If you need some tips and guidelines about how to talk to your kids about alcohol, this website is a fantastic place to start. Parents will not only be able to gather a lot of useful information, but they can also create a personalized action plan for talking with their child. What you say to a 9 year old boy will obviously be different from what you say to a 19 year old girl. The personalized action plan is a wonderful guideline to help you have those discussions, whether your child is 9 or 19.

If you don’t talk to your kids about drinking, you’re actually saying something.  Start early and talk often. I urge all parents to check out this website:

www.underagedrinking.samhsa.gov

Have any comments? Please share!