Golden Retrievers are often used for therapeutic purposes

I recently learned that a psychology team in Afghanistan brought a few therapy service dogs with them to help the troops.  There is reason to believe that these dogs will be very helpful for the troops as they help keep spirits high and ease the mental and physical stresses associated with combat.

Since World War II, animals have been commonly used in both mental and physical therapeutic settings as a way to help the healing process. From cats and dogs to horses, animals have been proven to be a wonderful way to help people recover from both mental and physical ailments. Anyone who has a companion animal or a service dog already knows that there is nothing like holding, hugging, and petting a warm, soft, and cuddly animal to help ease the mind and soothe the soul.

Animals can help lower blood pressure and reduce stress and anxiety levels. They can also help combat depression and social isolation, two issues that are often comorbid with other mental or psychical health problems. Specially trained service animals have helped people in private therapeutic settings, schools, hospitals, convalescent homes, and even prisons.

The Army has begun using therapy service dogs to help war veterans combat PTSD and other mental health issues, so it makes sense that psych teams are finally bringing service dogs to those currently serving in war zones. It will be interesting to see how effective service dogs will be for our troops. They can certainly provide unconditional love and comfort in volatile situations, but will they also be able to help stave off mental health distress or the development of mental health disorders commonly associated with combat? Time will tell. But as the rate of mental health problems, PTSD, and suicide-related deaths increase among troops and veterans, let’s hope that therapy service dogs will prove to be a very useful therapeutic method within the military.

I read what Mel Gibson said in those tapes to his ex-girlfriend. I didn’t actually hear the tapes, but I read the dialogue. Like most people who heard or read the words that came out of Mr. Gibson’s mouth, I was disgusted. It’s pretty easy to suggest that Mr. Gibson is racist, bigoted, and misogynistic. Ever since that alcohol-fueled episode in 2006, it’s been apparent to the public that Mel Gibson deals with demons. But, these recent tapes were more chilling. These words were directed to the mother of his infant child. They were scary and hateful. The venomous words that spewed from Mr. Gibson’s mouth were beyond misogyny and racism. They were filled with rage.

Anger and rage are not the same. Anger, when expressed in a civilized and controlled way, is a healthy feeling and expression. When anger is suppressed, it only damages the person holding it inside. But when anger is expressed in a volatile way, such as Mr. Gibson’s case, it is beyond anger. It is rage. Anger is not violent. It is not harmful. On the contrary, expressed angry can be healthy and constructive. Rage is not. Rage is distressing. It is harmful. It is emotionally abusive.

Everyone gets angry at some point or another, but not everyone deals with anger the same way. There are three ways people tend to deal with anger: avoid anger, explode with anger, or express anger in a healthy and positive way. Women, more often than men, tend to avoid expressing anger while more men than women explode with anger. Women tend to internalize their anger and suffer in silence. There could be various reasons for that, but it is especially the case when a women is in an abusive relationship.  Women who are in relationships with men that explode with anger often suppress their own anger and other emotions.  They fear that expressing their own anger will set their husband or partner off. And, rightfully so, in many cases.

People that explode with anger, men or women, exert rage as a form of dominance, control, and manipulation. On the extreme side, such as in the case of Mel Gibson, they will fly into a rage and use physical violence or the threat of it to coerce a partner and exert power. The abuser will then use their out-of-control rage as an excuse and justification for their actions. “She made me do it” or “I hit her because she made me angry” is often expressed. Blaming the victim is the norm when it comes to people who explode with anger. They rarely take responsibility for their actions.

Was Mel Gibson physically abused as a boy? Was he bullied? Was he raised to have contempt for women and other minorities? Does he see them as weak and inferior? Was he raised, like so many boys, to hide his vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and feelings? Does any of that matter? To some degree, yes, but the most important task for Mel Gibson to do now is to get help for his behavior and actions. He needs to take responsibility for his abusive behavior. He needs to own his rage. He needs to change for his children, his baby girl, and everyone else in his life. But, perhaps most importantly, he needs to change for himself. Living life as an angry man, an abusive man, a man filled with rage, and one who cannot take responsibility for his actions is, at the root of everything, a man who is miserable.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

photo from NY Daily News

Before I left my teen years behind, I had three speeding tickets, one solo trip to Spain for a summer, and had jumped out of an airplane. To say I was adventurous (and obviously even reckless at times) is an understatement. I lived for an adrenaline-rush. I craved adventure. I occasionally attempted death-defying activities. I give thanks every day that I made it out of my teen years alive.

My parents didn’t encourage any of these activities. In fact, they made it a point to strongly discourage me. I give them most of the credit for helping me enter adulthood safe and sound.

When I read about 16 year old Abby Sunderland and her extreme goal to sail around the world solo, her behavior and drive didn’t really surprise me. Many, if not most, teenagers are adventurous and crave adrenaline-inducing activities. Many teenagers believe they have the maturity, skills, knowledge, and wisdom of most adults. If not more! Many teenagers believe they are indestructible and live their lives as if harm nor death can ever touch them. It takes a while for them to understand otherwise.

There is a developmental reason why teenagers still need parenting and guidance, especially when they are more inclined to risky and carefree behavior. Teenagers often lack the cognitive ability to make good decisions. Why? Because the adolescent brain is not yet fully developed. Research shows that the prefrontal cortex region of the brain, the area that processes complex cognitive functioning, behaviors, and decision-making skills, is the last part of the brain to mature. The prefrontal cortex, which handles planning, setting priorities, social behavior, weighing consequences, and suppressing impulses, is not fully developed until about the age of 25.

When children show talent and drive for something, even something as risky as sailing around the world solo, we should encourage them to take the time to hone and develop their skills. The same can be said for giving them the time to develop their cognitive functioning.  Rushing development and cognitive processing is not only unwise, but can lead to disastrous consequences as well. When you put a child in a situation that calls for highly developed cognitive skills, critical decision-making tools, and the ability to suppress risky impulses, there will usually be consequences.

The parents of Abby Sunderland encouraged her dream to become a skilled sailor and there is no doubt that, at the age of 16, she is one already. Yet when they pushed and encouraged her to use that special talent in such a risky way, the world witnessed the rescue of distressed teenager in the middle of the Indian Ocean. No dream is big enough to be worth all of that. And it certainly isn’t worth encouraging.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

Every Memorial Day, I pay respect to the men and women who lost their lives for our country.

I also pay respect to my father.

My father survived a tour of duty in Vietnam and earned a Silver Star for his valor. He was only 23, and a newlywed, when he was drafted into the war. I was born about a year after the war ended, so I never knew the person he was before Vietnam. I cannot compare the father I know and love to the young man who left for war, but I do know one thing. He did not return home as the same person. He lost a part of himself on the battlefield, a former self that has never been recovered.

When one enters a war zone, it will be impossible to leave the same. Profound or traumatic experiences will do that to people. No one leaves war unscathed. And, for some, the psychological trauma will sustain long after physical wounds have healed. Like thousands of soldiers who have lived through war, my father deals with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I will not go into more specifics out of respect for his privacy, but I will say that he has been doing exceptionally well despite it.

Not everyone is so fortunate.

PTSD is a serious anxiety disorder that can develop after any traumatic or life-threatening experience. Studies indicate that about 25% of veterans of heavy combat and 75% of prisoners of war will develop PTSD. The younger the person, the more likely they will develop symptoms. About half of the patients will recover within a few months. The other half can experience years, or even a lifetime, of symptoms. It is important to know that PTSD can also be diagnosed in people who learned about a severe trauma suffered by someone they are close to – children, spouses, partners, or other close relatives.  This is crucial for families of veterans because, in many cases, members of the family may also require counseling services.

Wars will change people but, in some cases, for the better. A few studies of World War II veterans found that some soldiers left war with a new purpose and value in life as well as new tools to help cope with adversity*. The new self is a more positive self. If only all veterans could claim that to be true.

This Memorial Day is a bit different for me this year. My younger sister has been working in Afghanistan for nearly a year in a non-military position. She is doing incredible work to help bring more stability and hope to their country. My younger brother, a psychologist, is set to deploy there in a matter of weeks. He specializes in PTSD treatment and I expect that he will be doing wonderful work there as well. I am beyond proud of my baby brother and sister. And I am also scared for them. They may not see and experience the carnage and destruction that my father saw in the battlefield of Vietnam but there is no doubt that they, too, will return home changed. I can only hope that theirs is a more positive change.

This Memorial Day, please take a moment to honor our fallen soldiers. Take a moment to pay respect and give thanks to all veterans who have passed away, on or off the battlefield. And take a moment to appreciate the sacrifices that our soldiers must endure while  fighting for our freedoms and the freedoms of others. They may return home whole, but they will leave a part of themselves behind.

Need more information, assistance, or resources for psychological counseling for veterans and their families? Please contact these organizations:

Coming Home Project – a non-profit organization that works with Iraq and Afghanistan veterans, service members, and their families. This organization is based in Northern California but can provide referrals and resources around the country.

The Soldiers Project – Free, confidential, and unlimited counseling to Iraq and Afghanistan veterans and their families.

National Center for PTSD

*Human Adaption to Extreme Stress: From the Holocaust to Vietnam, Elder, G.H., Jr. and Clipp, E.C. (1988).

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

I liken going to sleep to going into a dark theater and having no idea what you’re about to see. You don’t know the title of the show and haven’t seen any previews. You don’t know if the show you are about to experience (and sometimes unwillingly participate in) will be a comedy, a romance, a drama, a thriller, or a horror. More often than not, the dream isn’t exactly something you may have wanted to see.  You may wake up feeling happy and peaceful. You may wake up confused, anxious, or even scared. No matter what you’re feeling, pay attention. These dreams are trying to tell you something.

Nearly every night, I experience vivid and realistic dreams that usually dramatize many of the feelings and anxieties I feel consciously and/or subconsciously throughout my day. But sometimes the dreams connect me to issues and feelings that have been building up inside me for a long time coming. It can be fascinating and enlightening to be able to connect my dream experience with what’s going on in my life. What’s even better is when I’m able to connect my dreams with things going on within me that I simply wasn’t aware of beforehand.

Connecting your dreams with your reality can be an especially useful way to help process things going on in your life. All of the emotions and feelings that you might be bottling up or not recognizing can often play out during those 8 hours or so every night when you have zero control over your thoughts. Your dreams can play out your deepest anxieties and fears, but they can also reveal your hidden hopes and desires. Dreams can be important and useful, which leads me to one of the best ways to figure out the meaning behind the dream:

Write them down.

Keeping a dream diary/sleep journal is a great way to check in with yourself.  Keep the journal next to your bed and write your dreams down immediately upon waking. Even after my most vivid dream, I will have trouble remembering it if I don’t write it down within a matter of minutes. Make sure to also note what you may have been feeling during your dream or when you first woke up.

While you’re keeping a dream journal, you won’t be able to remember every dream or have any recollection of dreaming at all. Even if you don’t remember your dreams from the night before, write down how you slept. Did you have trouble falling asleep? Did you wake up during the night? Did you have trouble waking up? Do you feel well-rested, tired, or groggy? What was going during the day that may have caused some sleep problems? Was it simply a matter of drinking too much caffeine late in the day, drinking alcohol, or going to bed too late or did you experience something that may have caused some sleep disruption, like a problem at work or an issue within your relationship. It may be interesting to you to keep track of your sleep and dream experiences and note any patterns that form. If you’re seeing a therapist, or planning on seeing a therapist, your documented sleep patterns and dreams can be very useful information during your therapy sessions.

I love seeing the patterns in my own dreams. I know, for example, that I will often have dreams that take place in my childhood home when I am feeling uncomfortable, unsteady, or anxious. My childhood home was a place of great comfort and stability for me, no matter what was going on in my life. These dreams, which have been re-occurring since childhood, lead me to believe that they are my subconscious way of giving me comfort and peace during a challenging time. I usually wake up from those dreams feeling less anxious than from the time I went to sleep.

Another interesting dream I remember was about 3 years ago while I was living in San Francisco. In that particular dream I moved from San Francisco back to an area near the house I grew up in, about 15 miles away. I woke up feeling confused but also happy and wistful. This dream confused me a great deal since I never planned to move back there and I certainly never expected to be happy about leaving San Francisco, a place I planned to live the rest of my life. One year after that dream, the Dude informed me that he had a job opportunity 15 miles from my hometown. As he wrestled with that idea for a few days, I knew my answer from the moment he told me about it. My dream from the year before had already prepared me for the very real option of moving back. It was something I didn’t even really need to question because the idea of it gave me happiness and a sense of peace, the same feelings I experienced after that dream.

Do you keep a sleep journal? Care to share any interesting dreams that helped you in your life? Feel free to comment!

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

As I mentioned in a blog post a few weeks ago, April is Alcohol Awareness Month.

That blog post was about the importance of talking to your children about alcohol and I link to a great website developed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Now I want to take this discussion even further and dispense a little more information about alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, and alcohol facts, in general. Why? Because there are millions of people affected by alcohol everyday, whether it’s due to their own alcohol problem or because someone they love has a problem. The U.S. has one of the highest rates of alcohol abuse and dependence in the world and most people know at least one person who has a problem with alcohol. People with alcohol problems need help. It is not something that can be cured on its own without treatment and support. It is something that needs to be recognized and addressed. Treatment for alcohol abuse and dependence is imperative, not only for the health of the person with the problem but for everyone else in their life as well.

What is Alcoholism?

I don’t use the term *alcoholic.* The term *alcoholic* is not a medical or legal term. Instead, I use the terms *alcohol abuse* and *alcohol dependence*.  Both can easily be lumped into the term *alcoholic,* but there is a difference:

Alcohol Abuse is the compulsive use of alcohol, using alcohol in excess and during substantial periods of time, planning and thinking about it often, and continuing to use it despite problems. Abusing alcohol impacts relationships and will often impair the ability to function day-to-day.

Alcohol Dependence is a physiological dependence where symptoms for withdrawal will occur after 12 hours of stopping use. Withdrawal symptoms include trembling, sweating, heart palpitations, vomiting, nausea, seizures, delirium, and possible death. Unlike withdrawal from narcotics, withdrawal from alcohol can result in death without in-patient care. You read that correctly: It is the only substance where there is a risk of death during the withdrawal process. Another important piece of information to note is that adolescents do not experience alcohol withdrawal, which is most likely due to the difference in their liver function.

Just because someone abuses alcohol does not mean they are necessarily dependent on alcohol. At least, not yet. Only someone who craves alcohol, needs a large quantity of alcohol to get *high*, cannot stop drinking, and experiences withdrawal symptoms can be defined as alcohol dependent. However, both categories of drinkers will require assistance to quit.

Long-Term Physical Effects of Excessive Alcohol Use in Men:

• Lowered amounts of testosterone.
• Reddening of face, nose, and eyes.
• A shelf-like appearance on the stomach or “beer belly”. This is actually due to the expansion of the liver.
• Breast development and widening of hips.

Long-Term Physical Effects of Excessive Alcohol Use in Women:

• Lowered amount of estrogen.
• Hips narrowed and figure becomes more boxy.
• Development of facial hair.
• Skin discoloration, including a reddening of skin.

Long-Term Medical Effects of Excessive Alcohol Use in Both Men and Women:

• Cardiomypathy, which is the enlargement of the heart. Alcohol weakens heart tissue and the heart will grow to compensate.
• Chronic medical conditions such as liver cirrhosis, various cancers, high blood pressure, psychological problems, and pancreatitis.
• Alcohol kills brain cells. Organic dementia can occur over time, which is caused by parts of the brain dying.
• Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome can happen over time. One major symptom is lying, which might actually be subconscious compensation for memory loss.
• Malnutrition. Not only does alcohol kill vitamins but people who are alcohol dependent do not eat properly or enough.

Biggest Misconceptions About Alcohol Use:

• Nothing can actually block or absorb alcohol. Eating before you drink can slow down the process of the alcohol entering the bloodstream, but only by mere seconds. It will not change the level of alcohol that will enter the bloodstream.
• Nothing can remove the alcohol from your bloodstream. Only time can do that. Cold showers, fresh air, or coffee will not sober a person up. They will simply turn a drunk person into a wide-awake drunk person.
• Alcohol is a depressant but it does not help you sleep more soundly. Alcohol can move a person into sleep more quickly but it inhibits the Delta phase of sleep, which is the deepest stage of the sleep cycle.
• Think that a shot of whiskey has more alcohol than a glass of wine or a bottle of beer? Wrong. The alcohol content in a 1.5 ounce shot of hard liquor is comparable to a 5 oz glass of wine or a 12 oz bottle of beer. The amount of ethanol is what affects people, not the type of drink.
• You will not always react the same way to alcohol. Your tolerance level fluctuates depending on weight, age,  sex, metabolism, and how often and how much you regularly drink.

Becoming Aware of Alcohol Use

Aside from the physical problems, there are a number of issues that are generated from problematic alcohol use. These are just some of the questions that help counselors identify an alcohol problem:

• How much do you drink every day or every week?
  
• Do you drink so much that you have to use a day (or several days) to recover?
  
• Have you lost relationships or jobs because of your drinking?
  
• Have you dropped classes or quit school because of drinking?
  
• Do you avoid friends and family because you are drinking?
  
• Do you cancel plans because of your drinking?
  
• Do you avoid certain people because they talk to you about your drinking habits?
  
• Have you had a DUI?
  
• Do you have health problems, like frequent headaches, weakness, or tremors?
  
• How much money do you spend on alcohol in one week?

If it’s determined that there is a problem, the next obvious step is treatment and support. Many people go to treatment willingly while others need to be coerced via interventions. It does not matter whether or not the person went to treatment willingly, the success rate remains about equal.

Treatment

Alcohol dependency requires in-patient care in order to properly monitor and treat the withdrawal process. Once a person has gone through alcohol withdrawal, it is still imperative to continue a life-long course of action to prevent a relapse. The addiction component is never cured and will need to be managed for the rest of their life.

There is no one right way to treat alcohol abuse and it can be a process to find the right course of treatment and recovery. It is also ideal that family and friends get support as well. For people that need help or for those who need help supporting someone they love, here is a list of a few support groups and treatment resources:

Alcoholics Anonymous World Services – A worldwide self-supporting fellowship of sober alcoholics whose recovery is based on 12-steps.

Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters – A free non-profit organization that supports family members and friends of alcoholics.

Alateen - A fellowship through Al-Anon, this organization helps young people who are affected by someone else’s drinking.

Families Anonymous, Inc. – A worldwide organization that offers 12-step, self-help programs for families and friends of alcoholics.

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. – an organization that provides resources and referrals on how to overcome alcohol and drug addiction.

Toughlove International – A national self-help organization for parents, children, and communities.

Do not delay in getting help for yourself or for someone that needs it. Lives, families, and communities depend on it.

Please share any comments or questions.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

When it comes to bringing children into this world, there is an abundance of divisive topics- “natural” births vs. medicated/C-section births, breast-feeding vs. formula-feeding, disposable diapers vs. cloth diapers, pacifiers vs. no-pacifiers, and so forth.

So many of these so-called issues are not really worth my time to argue, simply because I don’t see much harm in opting for one method of doing things over another. My motto is always this; as long as no one is emotionally or physically harmed in the process, whatever works best for your family is the ideal method of doing things. I don’t care whether or not you had a home-birth or had to be induced. I don’t care if you breast-fed or bottle-fed or whether your child wears Huggies or has been trained in Elimination Communication since birth. These types of topics do not concern any of us and we should not judge others for doing something that we ourselves do not include in our parenting repertoire.

However, there is one parenting topic that I believe warrants all the disapproval and judgment that it gets: spanking.

It upsets me to know that parents and care-takers continue to use spanking as a means to punish their children. I find it disturbing and wrong.  What bothers me most about spanking is that the emotional impact will sustain long after the pain subsides. Study after study has shown long-term negative consequences to spanking, but many parents are still not listening. The problem? Chances are that parents who spank were probably spanked by their own parents.

Rather than eliminate any negative and inappropriate behavior from children, the aggressive action behind spanking actually reinforces and validates the very behavior that the parent hopes to eradicate. Responding to a child with spanking will often lead to more tantrums and frustrated behavior. A child who is spanked will often become more aggressive over time. In the subconscious mind of a child who is spanked, they have two choices; remain the victim or become the aggressor. Not surprisingly, many children who are spanked become bullies. Some change, but many do not. Spanked children will often become parents who spank their own children. Thus, the vicious cycle continues. When will it end?

Spanking doesn’t work in the long-run. However, there are many non-aggressive behavioral training tools out there that can effectively change behavior for good. I have written on how to eliminate negative behaviors and encourage good behavior. My methodology is simple and straight-forward: consistency, clarity, and positive reinforcement. In my blog post, Raising Likable Kids, I explain tips on reinforcing positive and negative behaviors in children. These are the things that work and should be included in your discipline style. Eliminating inappropriate, aggressive, or negative behavior in children takes work and patience. If you think you can change your children with a spank, you’re absolutely right. But you’re changing them for the worse.

What say you? Please share any comments or questions.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

I walked along the beach with my 90 year old grandfather over the weekend. He lost his wife, my beloved grandmother, on January 1st of this year. The entire family has been reeling from her passing but, obviously, no one more so than my grandpa. As we walked along the water and watched young couples and families enjoy the beautiful sunshine, he reminisced about their life together. As a couple for 70 years, they spent a very active and full life together filled with the ups and downs of business ownership, moving across country, world travel and adventures, and the joys (and pains) of parenthood, grand-parenthood, and even great-grand-parenthood.

Now that my grandmother is gone, the grandfather I once knew is missing as well. A man who was quick to laugh and share funny stories has become more subdued. A man who worked well into his 70’s and prided himself on his excellent health is now slowing down quickly. He complains about the everyday life of living in an old man’s body. He can’t sleep and he doesn’t enjoy the same things he used to, like even a walk on the beach. That was something he and grandma would do together everyday. As we walked along, it was evident that all he could think about was her and their life together.  “My partner is gone” he told me as we looked out across the ocean, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

I didn’t ask him to elaborate what “it” meant. I knew.

His pain is the kind of pain that only the luckiest people in the world will ever know. It’s the kind of pain that I can only hope either the Dude or myself will actually experience one day, hopefully not until many many years down the road. To know this pain means that you have known a deep love that only partners in a very long and loving relationship can possibly experience.

To get to the place where my grandfather is doesn’t only take luck. Luck is simply meeting someone special. He’ll be the first to tell you that. My grandpa often tells us that he was the luckiest man in the world when he met my grandma on the beach of Coney Island back in 1940. It was also my luck when I canceled a date and instead met up with my sister at her friend’s house – that friend being the Dude. But luck doesn’t get you through 68 years of marriage. Or, in my case, even 5 years.

I often asked my grandparents about the secret to their exceptionally long marriage. My grandmother would joke that she stayed married so long because he kept her feet warm at night. My grandpa would say it was her beautiful legs. In reality, they were simply compatible and they complemented each other well. They brought out the best in each other. They enjoyed the same things, had similar values, and shared many goals. They laughed together. Often. They could keep up with each other, both sharing a keen wit and honest (sometimes brutally honest) perspective on things. They were also of the same religion and, more importantly, also shared a similar level of faith. Sure, they fought like any other couple and disagreed about many things, but they were always able to move past their disagreements. There were moments when they did not treat each other as kindly as they should have, but neither of them let those moments go unnoticed. One thing was for sure, when one was upset with the other, they would know it. And then they would move on.

People often wonder what it means to be truly compatible with someone. Does your partner have to be the mirror version of yourself? No. That would be boring and boring doesn’t make for a good relationship. Successful and healthy relationships must have three essential components that most of us already know: trust, communication, and respect. But there are other things that help sustain a lasting union and most of those things fall into the compatibility department.

When it comes to compatibility, the recipe is quite simple: similar interests, values, expectations, and life-goals. Chances are, those are some of the same things that draw you to your friends. I strongly believe that a great friendship is key to a happy marriage.  When asked who is the first person you want to talk to about something or the person you want to spend the most time with, I would hope the answer is your husband/wife/partner. Now, do the two of you need to be BFF’s that do everything together? No, of course not.  It’s highly unlikely that a couple shares every interest. With that said, it’s important to support outside interests and hobbies and maintain and nurture other friendships. However, what I find to be key for long-term relationships is that there are things that the couple loves doing together. Just like walking the beach everyday was my grandparent’s “thing”, it’s important to have at least one “thing” with your partner.

Most of what I know about marriage comes from my grandparents. They didn’t tell me how to have a happy marriage, they showed me. My grandparents certainly didn’t live some kind of fairytale life. No one has a perfect marriage. But there are those as-good-as-it-gets type of marriages, which I think easily sums up their union. We should all be so fortunate to meet someone that complements us so well and brings out the best in us. And, when we do, we should all be so dedicated to our partner and our marriage. If we’re lucky enough one day, many years down the road, some of us will fully realize what my grandfather now knows: Our life doesn’t have the same meaning without that person in it.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

Authoritative Parent, Permissive Parent, Authoritarian Parent, Uninvolved Parent, Over-Parent/Helicopter Parent, Attachment Parent, etc…

If you’re a parent, chances are good that you’ve heard about some or all of these parenting approaches. Parents may find themselves questioning which one works best or which one identifies how they parent.  It can be easy for some parents to try and pigeonhole themselves into one of these categories or even attempt to extricate themselves from a certain style. As most parents know, the way you parent significantly influences the development and pathology of a child. Even a child’s personality is influenced by parenting style. Although parenting style has little effect on the basic disposition of a child’s personality, it can easily impact or transform behavioral characteristics. And, all too often, those changes are not in a positive form.

So maybe we know all the different styles out there and perhaps we even identify with one or two of them. But what really matters most when it comes to how you parent? Forget labels. Forget trying to pigeonhole yourself into one category or another. What matters most are three very simple and basic parenting characteristics. Evidence from longitudinal research studies have shown that these three parenting factors produce the most well-adjusted adults and create the most harmonious parent-child relationship (L’Abate & Baggett, 1997):

• Warmth Factor

Emotional warmth is consistently found in research studies to be the most important parenting style factor. This applies to both parents. Having emotional warmth towards your child includes praise, support, approval, encouragement, expressing terms of endearment, and physical affection. Warm, loving and affectionate parents are much more likely to raise well-adjusted  adults who are mentally healthy, are psychologically mature, and have adequate coping skills. However, emotional warmth comes with its own balancing act. It is easy for parents to over-praise and/or not punish inappropriate or negative behavior. While it’s important to validate good behavior or accomplishments, it’s equally important to follow through with rules and (non-abusive) discipline.

• Control Factor

Parents who have a high control frequency raise their children with many rules and will often intervene in their children’s activities. On the flip side, parents with low control frequency are too permissive and, to the extreme, negligent. Parents with a balanced sense of control will intervene when their child needs help, guidance, and support and step back when their interference is not only not warranted but also counterproductive. These parents will also maintain reasonable and age-appropriate rules, boundaries, and disciplinary actions.

• Consistency Factor

Consistency is crucial when it comes to parenting and this goes for all communication exchanged between parents and children. Consistently displaying love and warmth and consistently maintaining control and following through with discipline are all imperative to the child-parent dynamic.

Some of this information may seem like common sense to you, but it’s not always easy to apply these three essential factors into everyday parenting practices. To be able to balance a healthy dose of warmth, control, and consistency doesn’t always come naturally and we will all fail at this balancing act at some point.

Many variables influence our own parenting style, such as the way we were parented and our sociocultural  and socioeconomic influences. It’s not surprising that those of us with warm and affectionate parents are more likely to become warm and affectionate parents. And, of course, the opposite is true as well. That doesn’t mean that those who did not have warm and affectionate parents are not capable of growing up to become warm and affectionate parents. It just means that applying these parenting factors may prove to be more challenging.

None of us are perfect parents and we will come up short at times. Just remember that although it’s important to recognize and own up to our parenting errors, it’s equally important to recognize that it’s not the minor parenting errors that have the greatest impact on our children. It’s the overall dynamic between parent and child, one that is filled with love, kindness, respect, support, rules, boundaries, and affection. There is little doubt that a childhood and adolescence filled with those essential components will likely transition into a well-adjusted adulthood.

Questions? Comments? Please share.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.