Now that my grandmother is gone, the grandfather I once knew is missing as well. A man who was quick to laugh and share funny stories has become more subdued. A man who worked well into his 70′s and prided himself on his excellent health is now slowing down quickly. He complains about the everyday life of living in an old man’s body. He can’t sleep and he doesn’t enjoy the same things he used to, like even a walk on the beach. That was something he and grandma would do together everyday. As we walked along, it was evident that all he could think about was her and their life together.  “My partner is gone” he told me as we looked out across the ocean, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

I didn’t ask him to elaborate what “it” meant. I knew.

His pain is the kind of pain that only the luckiest people in the world will ever know. It’s the kind of pain that I can only hope either the Dude or myself will actually experience one day, hopefully not until many many years down the road. To know this pain means that you have known a deep love that only partners in a very long and loving relationship can possibly experience.

To get to the place where my grandfather is doesn’t only take luck. Luck is simply meeting someone special. He’ll be the first to tell you that. My grandpa often tells us that he was the luckiest man in the world when he met my grandma on the beach of Coney Island back in 1940. It was also my luck when I canceled a date and instead met up with my sister at her friend’s house – that friend being the Dude. But luck doesn’t get you through 68 years of marriage. Or, in my case, even 5 years.

I often asked my grandparents about the secret to their exceptionally long marriage. My grandmother would joke that she stayed married so long because he kept her feet warm at night. My grandpa would say it was her beautiful legs. In reality, they were simply compatible and they complemented each other well. They brought out the best in each other. They enjoyed the same things, had similar values, and shared many goals. They laughed together. Often. They could keep up with each other, both sharing a keen wit and honest (sometimes brutally honest) perspective on things. They were also of the same religion and, more importantly, also shared a similar level of faith. Sure, they fought like any other couple and disagreed about many things, but they were always able to move past their disagreements. There were moments when they did not treat each other as kindly as they should have, but neither of them let those moments go unnoticed. One thing was for sure, when one was upset with the other, they would know it. And then they would move on.

People often wonder what it means to be truly compatible with someone. Does your partner have to be the mirror version of yourself? No. That would be boring and boring doesn’t make for a good relationship. Successful and healthy relationships must have three essential components that most of us already know: trust, communication, and respect. But there are other things that help sustain a lasting union and most of those things fall into the compatibility department.

When it comes to compatibility, the recipe is quite simple: similar interests, values, expectations, and life-goals. Chances are, those are some of the same things that draw you to your friends. I strongly believe that a great friendship is key to a happy marriage.  When asked who is the first person you want to talk to about something or the person you want to spend the most time with, I would hope the answer is your husband/wife/partner. Now, do the two of you need to be BFF’s that do everything together? No, of course not.  It’s highly unlikely that a couple shares every interest. With that said, it’s important to support outside interests and hobbies and maintain and nurture other friendships. However, what I find to be key for long-term relationships is that there are things that the couple loves doing together. Just like walking the beach everyday was my grandparent’s “thing”, it’s important to have at least one “thing” with your partner.

Most of what I know about marriage comes from my grandparents. They didn’t tell me how to have a happy marriage, they showed me. My grandparents certainly didn’t live some kind of fairytale life. No one has a perfect marriage. But there are those as-good-as-it-gets type of marriages, which I think easily sums up their union. We should all be so fortunate to meet someone that complements us so well and brings out the best in us. And, when we do, we should all be so dedicated to our partner and our marriage. If we’re lucky enough one day, many years down the road, some of us will fully realize what my grandfather now knows: Our life doesn’t have the same meaning without that person in it.

No one knows you better than yourself, unless you’ve been married for as long as my grandparents.

Theirs is a love story that spans 70 years. She is 88 years old and he just turned 90. They lived together for nearly 68 years, up until a matter of days ago. They were rarely apart. Now she lies in a hospice bed, exhausted and weak from the dying process. My grandfather visits her, holds her hand, kisses it softly and tells her he loves her. He calls her “sweetheart”, a term of endearment I’ve never heard him call her before. He is very gentle with her, even when she asks him to go away. He won’t go away. He never has and he never will.

Their marriage is far from perfect, and some have even questioned how they managed to stay together so long…including me. I would see them fight. I would see my grandmother in tears or my grandfather’s frustration and anger. But I also saw a very fierce love. It is the type of love that only comes from years of practice. They didn’t always get along, but they always loved each other and respected one another.  They love sharing stories with one another and bring up many fond memories of the past. They often talk about how they met, share stories of raising their two boys, leaving New York for California, and all their travels and adventures. They love talking about their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. In essence, they constantly remind each other of all the things that brought them together and kept them together over the seven decades of their life together.

Too many couples forget about the good things that brought them together in the first place. They ignore the things that are essentially the glue to their relationship and the roots to their foundation.  It takes years to cultivate a truly deep connection and commitment. It takes work and practice. Far too many people throw in the towel when it become too challenging. If you ask my grandparents, they would tell you that it’s the challenging stuff that really makes you love and respect your partner. When it’s too easy, it’s simply boring.

A few months ago, I asked my grandmother how she managed to stay married for so long. What was her secret? She replied, my feet get too cold at night and I like having grandpa in bed to keep them warm. I laughed when she said that and found it very endearing at the time. It’s only just recently that I have come to the realization that there was actually a deeper meaning to her humorous quip. The best kind of love, the deepest kind of love, is when your partner is simply there for you when you need him or her the most. The challenges, the joys, the tears, the laughter, the warm days and the cold nights – these things are meant to be shared with those who love us. And the best love is the love that endures through all of it.

My grandparents’ love story is not over. It will always endure, even when they pass away. It is a story that is meant to be remembered and passed down to the generations. In a time when marriage seems to be as disposable as the paper used to sign a prenup agreement, theirs is the kind of  love story that is truly valuable.

I should only hope to be that fortunate.

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