What just happened? The Monkey and me, shortly after he made his dramatic entrance into the world.

My maternal great-grandmother gave birth to 13 children. All but #13 were born at home and none of them were delivered with medicinal pain relief.

My maternal grandmother delivered 3 children without any medicinal pain relief.

My own mother delivered two out of three of her children without any medicinal pain relief.

That’s pretty awesome of them. But, as for me? Bring on the meds. Maybe.

I’m in the homestretch of my pregnancy and expect to meet baby #2 within 2 weeks (or possibly later tonight if that famous eggplant parmigiana recipe really works). If I were to have a birth plan, the only plan would be to ask for the epidural as soon as I check into the hospital. You see, my last labor and delivery, which was an induced labor at 41 weeks, was approximately 90 minutes from the time the pitocin hit to when my son made his entrance. Going from 0 to delivery in an hour and a half was excruciating and exhausting and the epidural that I managed to beg for when I could actually catch my breath came much too late. It was not the birth experience that I had wanted and certainly did not anticipate. Considering my doctor barely made it in time (and my doula never made it at all), no one anticipated it. In the end, all that mattered was that my son was born healthy and I was OK…but it would have been nice if our first introduction to one another was during a much less dramatic circumstance.

Whether it’s laboring for 24 hours without meds, as my own mother did with me, or having a planned and wanted C-section, it would be great if every mama could have the birthing experience that she wants. But we all know that’s not always possible. What I also know is that no one has the right to judge, criticize, or give otherwise self-righteous opinions to another woman for how she delivers her baby. If mama wants an epidural to help make her labor and delivery a more enjoyable and relaxing one, good for her. If she wants to go through labor and delivery at home, that’s fantastic. Mama should get what she wants and be given support from her doctor/midwife, partner, family, and friends.  There is nothing wrong with a mom trying to make the best of her labor and delivery experience, in whatever capacity she sees fit. No one gets a cookie or gold star for delivering a baby a certain way. The only prize we could hope for with any delivery is that of a healthy baby and mama.

I was actually half-joking when I mentioned that epidural earlier. Unlike everything else in my somewhat orderly and planned everyday life, I’m more of a let’s what happens kinda gal when it comes to my labor. If I go into labor naturally and the pain is tolerable, I’ll try and go for it. I managed to get through 90 minutes of an induced labor and delivery without meds, so I have no doubt that I can do it. However, if the pain starts to wear on me and, in that moment I feel like meds will help me enjoy the process more, someone page the anesthesiologist. And fast.

This time around, no plan is my best birth plan…no matter what anyone else might think.

This feels much better than it looks

Being poked, prodded, and cracked is a great way to spend an hour or two.

As most parents or caretakers of small children know, nothing puts wear and tear on your muscles and joints like a kid. And, if you’ve been pregnant, you probably know that it starts in the womb. By the time I reached my 3rd trimester, I was regularly seeing a chiropractor, acupuncturist, and masseuse. And by regularly, I mean weekly. Sometimes multiple times a week. Yes, I clearly used to have both the time and the money to devote to myself.

Now that my pregnancy aches and pains have morphed into the ailments associated with lugging around a wiggly and arm-flailing 25-pounder who prefers to be carried, I still get tune-ups when the need arises.

A few months ago, I had the brilliant idea to show my Monkey some tricks on the monkey bars (tricks that have not been practiced in 20 years).  I woke up with muscle spasms in my back so severe that I could barely walk, so I immediately called my doctor who is both an acupuncturist and chiropractor (find one of those!). I was back to normal within minutes after my session. I was good to go for a few months until just the other day when old neck and upper back injuries flared up again. After a session of electro-acupuncture and a quick adjustment, I was back to chasing my kid around without any problem.

Some people do not believe in the power of acupuncture or chiropractic care. I’m guessing they have either not tried it or haven’t gone to the right doctor. For me, there is nothing else that can compare. For aches, pains, and sore muscles, I much prefer alternative methods that are healing and restorative rather than rely on conventional medical methods, like prescription drugs. For the same price as a few prescription bottles of Flexiril or Vicodin, I would much rather be stuck with a few needles and have my spine cracked. The best part of all, the healing effects of treatment last much longer than the duration of any prescription drug.

Have you tried acupuncture or chiropractic care? If not, what’s stopping you?

Let’s start with pregnancy. It’s been said that the physical strain of pregnancy and childbirth can take a year off your life. For some of us, that experience might have shaved off about five years. Remember that life sucking machine from the movie, Princess Bride? Well, that’s what labor felt like for me.

After the kid is born, it’s all about the kid. You barely have time to shower and throw on some lip-gloss let alone check in with your physical and mental well-being. Sure, you’re in and out of doctors offices all the time, but you rarely (if ever) see one for yourself. Oh, you’ve had a migraine for a week? A weird bump? A lingering cough? Who has time to check in with a real doctor? That’s why they invented WebMD.

When your kid starts preschool, it’s all downhill from there. Children become carriers for all things germy and disease-ridden. There is no doubt that you will get sick when you have kids. Often. If your child has a runny nose and cough, expect to wake up the next morning with the same problem. You’ll probably get even more sick than the kid, but you don’t have time to wallow in Kleenex-wrapped pity. Get back in the kitchen and make their lunch! And, speaking of lunch, who has time to eat it? You might serve your kid organic and nutritious meals, but you’re often relegated to live off saltines, canned chili, and whatever particles of food are left on the highchair.

Physical health aside, let’s talk about something that can wreak even more havoc on the body. I’m talking about our mental well-being. Were you anxious and neurotic before kids? Yes? That was nothing. Expect your anxiety level to multiply a thousand times. Not only is the world a dangerous place, but so is your house. If you’re like me, every single drawer and cabinet door is child-proofed.  There are baby gates everywhere. There is an alarm on all the doors (just in case the kid tries to escape). TV’s are secured or strapped against the wall. All cords are stored away, oven doors and toilet seats are locked, and there is absolutely nothing breakable around. The kid’s room is practically empty other than a few stuffed animals and a baby monitor. Sometimes all you want is some peace and quiet, but once you finally get it you’ll freak out that something is wrong.

There is no peace. Ever.

Your mind will always be thinking about the what if’s. You hear of horrible stories and experiences from other parents and then play the “what-if-that-happened-to us?” scenario over and over in your mind. There’s a good chance that the new cough or slight fever is the H1N1.  You worry about letting your kids walk down the street or go to a friend’s house. You worry about vaccinating. Is Jenny McCarthy right? Will my kid end up like Rain Main if I vaccinate against polio? Maybe polio isn’t such a bad thing.

Is it any wonder why there are so many mom blogs and twitter accounts with the words – alcohol, bottle, rum, drink, etc… So many of these moms are so stressed out that they don’t know how else to cope. Drinking moms could be laughed off as being cliche if major tragedies didn’t occur from play-dates fueled with martini’s. We’ve all heard the horror stories about that. So, while some moms drink, others need Trazadone just to ease their restless and worried mind. I have a feeling that the consumer demand for sleep medication is dominated by parents of young children.

On a serious note, it’s not that uncommon to put yourself second (or third, fourth, etc…) behind your kids.  We will (literally) break our backs for our kids, but even that might not be a good enough reason to tend to ourselves. We need to prioritize our own physical and mental health, too. We need to eat well, exercise, and stay healthy. We need good coping mechanisms to deal with stress: think yoga, lunch with friends, or a walk around the neighborhood. We need to sometimes check out in order to check in with ourselves. As difficult as it might be, take some time every week to do something for yourself. Parents are caretakers and the role of a caretaker is often the most difficult job in the world. You’re so busy tending and fretting over other people that you don’t do the same for yourself. Make the time. Get your partner, family member, or friend to watch the kid(s) for a few hours every week and don’t feel guilty for doing so. Your family, your body, and your sanity will thank you for it.

My old footprint (alongside the Dude's) - the new footprint might not fit in this frame.

It’s a really bad idea to buy cute and expensive shoes shortly before or after getting pregnant.

Here’s the thing: there is a really good chance that your feet will get bigger during pregnancy. Should that happen, there’s something else to understand  – unlike your big belly, your feet don’t shrink back down to size.  Do not believe people when they say that the bigger feet are not permanent. I dare those people to try telling that to the 50 or so size 10* shoes that have long been donated to Goodwill.

When I was pregnant, I looked into why my shoes were no longer fitting properly.  Yes, I had some swelling in my feet, but that didn’t seem to be the main culprit. Turns out, the same hormone that helps the pelvic floor expand (another touchy and painful subject) will also loosen the ligaments in the feet. That hormone is called relaxin, which is such an appropriate name. All those ligaments just simply relax and let loose…literally.

For some lucky women (raises hand), the feet don’t just grow longer but they also grow wider, which can be attributed to all those extra pregnancy pounds. I really wish I had known this because I would’ve done things differently, like not buy those Tory Burch flats in celebration of my new pregnancy.

So what can be done about loose ligaments and squashed feet? You want the truth? Absolutely nothing, except to go shopping. Chances are, you”ll squeeze back into your pre-baby clothes at some point. Just don’t assume that you’ll fit back into your shoes, too.

*Yes, I am very much aware that I already had big feet to begin with. In my defense, I’m also 5’9″, so the big feet do come in handy.

Me @ 8 months pregnant. No, I was not carrying twins...jerk.

One of the worst things about pregnancy is dealing with people who ask intrusive or insensitive questions. And then there are those who say rude comments…or worse. Like strangers who actually put their hands on a pregnant belly without consent. You know what I call these types of people?

Belly Bullies.

Belly bullies, who tend to be other women, are the equivalent of mean girls from the 7th grade. However, they like to harass pregnant women instead.

So, who are these *belly bullies* and what do they do exactly? Let me tell you.

• They are the strangers who believe they have a right to touch your burgeoning belly. In the wise words of Billy Madison,”that’s assault, brother!”
• They are the rude people who stare at your belly, widen their eyes and exclaim  -  wow, you’re huge! You must be due any minute now! (You’re not. You’re only in your 2nd trimester).
• Similar to the above example except, instead, they say – wow, you’re huge! Are you having twins?
• They are the people who you tell you that they think you’re expecting a girl because your hips are so wide or that you’re huge all over.
• They are the people who ask how much weight you’ve gained. Enough to squash you, I say.
• They are the people who share horrible birth stories and other terrifying pregnancy and/or child-rearing experiences.
• They are also the people that ask you whether or not you will be breastfeeding or if you plan on having a *natural* birth (meaning no medication or epidural). These questions might sound pretty harmless but, more often than not, they are loaded questions. People don’t typically ask these things unless they want to start a discussion or debate.

You might read this and think, that doesn’t really sound like bullying to me. Or maybe you’re offended because you do these things and you don’t see the harm in it. Well, then, here’s my question to you: do you think it’s rude and disrespectful to say the aforementioned items regarding body size or weight to a woman who is NOT pregnant? Do you think it’s inappropriate to touch a non-pregnant woman’s belly? Do you think it’s rude to ask highly personal questions or share horrible experiences with someone who is probabely feeling a bit anxious?

You probably said yes, because that would be correct.

Normal social boundaries still apply to the pregnant. They deserve the same courtesy and respect as any other woman, if not more. Rather than joke around with a pregnant woman about swallowing a watermelon seed, why don’t you tell her that she looks beautiful. How about holding the door open for her or just throw her a smile.  Those small gestures go a long way. And instead of silently (or not so silently) cursing you, a pregnant woman will remember your kindness and throw magic fairy dust your way. Pregnant women are magical beings like that.

But, hey, you can ignore this post and keep doing what you’re doing. Just don’t be shocked if this happens at some point: you put your hands on a pregnant belly to ask the due date… and the woman puts her hands on you and asks the same thing.  Rudeness begets rudeness. And the same goes for kindness, so be good to the pregnant mamas out there.

When I discovered I was pregnant, there were very few women in my life that I could turn to for advice, wisdom, and commiserating. So who else could I turn to? Pregnant women online that I would never actually meet in real life.

The Good:

I discovered www.babycenter.com in my first trimester and was able to join an online forum with other pregnant women due the same month as me. I was immediately hooked.  I would read posts from other women dealing with the same aches and pains, weird body changes, and anxieties. For the most part, the forum helped normalize so much of what was going on with me. Things that no one else could really understand, especially The Dude. It seemed like the only people who could understand were these pregnant strangers, all going through the same stuff together.

The Good to Bad

After time, the forum became an online sisterhood at best and a hormonally-fueled rant fest at worst. Online (and sometimes offline) friendships and cliques were formed. The line between sharing and over-sharing often got crossed. Relationship issues, fears, and anxieties were exchanged. Helpful opinions and advice were offered as well as insults and ignorant or mean-spirited comments. Feelings got hurt. Some women left the forum. Some remained but became lurkers (me, included). I was especially turned off after threads on circumcision and vaccinations became a playground for hurling insults and attacking people for their beliefs and customs.  Pregnancy hormones added with major differences in cultures, education, politics, and religions started to cloud proper Internet decorum (whatever that is). No topic thread was off-limits…until a babycenter administrator/playground referee deleted it.

The Bad to the Scary:

One of the most controversial topics was related to pregnancy weight gain (or loss in some cases). It was somewhat shocking for me to learn that so many pregnant women were as competitive over pregnancy weight gain and loss than non-pregnant women. It was one thing to complain about the new stretch marks or the weight gain that went OVER the recommended amount (raises hand very high), but some of the comments were beyond disturbing. Women would gloat if they had only gained a few pounds by their 9th month or rant about their 20 pound weight gain. Unless the woman is very overweight or obese to begin with, gaining less than 20 pounds is not ideal nor should it be encouraged.

Threads to track weight gain started forming. Some women would ridicule the weight gain of others or praise the women that didn’t gain much weight. Once our birth month came around and women finally started having babies, another thread quickly emerged about tracking weight loss.  Some women who commented on the thread weren’t even out of the hospital yet. I remember one woman posting a picture about one week after she delivered, proudly displaying her already flat stomach.  Funny, I don’t remember seeing a picture of her new baby…but she sure was proud of her new belly!

It doesn’t take an eating disorder/body dysmorphia specialist to know that there were women in our birth month forum that were dealing with Pregorexia, or some form of the disorder.  However, many of the women that became frustrated or upset with the weight gain appeared to just be frustrated over the lack of control with their pregnant body. It was startling to realize that, even in pregnancy, women felt pressure to conform to some ideal (American) body shape. I don’t really know what that is – sad, scary, or both.

And in the end…

Regardless of some of the negative interactions and issues that arose, I actually found the pregnancy forum more useful than anything else. I quickly realized that a pregnancy forum is no different than any other online forum. There will be trolls.  There will be ignorance, judgment, and disrespect. There will be personality clashes and major differences in opinions. Yet some of those differences could also make things interesting. Many potentially controversial topics were also debated and discussed in a healthy and useful way. I was there to learn and share in a respectful manner and I appreciated that most of the other women were there for the same reason. No book, class, or discussion with my OB/GYN could quite normalize my experience better than interacting with other women going through the same thing. I liken it to any other support group, but mine just happened to be online with a bunch of hormonal women that I would never meet.  And that’s probably a good thing.