I was 20 years old and away at college when my brother was born. I was in graduate school when my sister was born. Since we’re decades of age apart, didn’t grow up together, and live across the country from each other, I obviously don’t have a normal sisterly relationship with them. I love them as I do the sister and brother I grew up with, but it’s a very different relationship.  Over time, I have developed a dynamic with them that seems half-mother/half-sister. When you’re old enough to be the mother of your siblings (and often get mistaken for the mom…ugh), it’s easy to find yourself playing the mom role just as easily as it is to be the sister.

During our visits, I find myself shifting between this mother role and the sister role. I can ask my brother and sister to help with dinner, stop running down the hardwood stairs in slippery socks, or clean up after themselves just as easily as I can find myself on the couch with them playing DJ Hero, teasing and giggling with them as if I were their age.  At the same time, I need to monitor myself like I would with any other kids around, like watch my language and avoid inappropriate topics.  And when topics come up that aren’t necessarily inappropriate, but definitely on the serious side, it can be confusing as to how to handle it. For one thing, my sister and brother aren’t even half as sheltered as I was growing up. It’s not because of how they are parented but rather it’s due to the world they and their friends live in. Their access to the world is staggering and their precociousness is reminiscent of my young adult self and certainly not my tween and teen self.

As I walked along with my 10 year old sister one day last week, we got to talking about marriage. As we passed by a gay couple on the street, our conversation led to gay relationships and marriage. When I mentioned that gay marriage is not legal here in California, she stopped walking. Looking incredulous and surprised, she looked up at me and said, “Wait, gay marriage isn’t legal here?!?” I could only respond, “No, it isn’t.” She was silent for a few minutes, which is unusual for her, and pondered that.

Perhaps it was my tone that ended the conversation. It was a tone that took me back to my own youth when I asked questions of my parents that could not easily be explained. I became a mother in that tone, even though I wanted to talk like a sister. But I couldn’t do that. How could I possibly respond to a 10 year old that lives in a State where gay marriage is legal and explain why it isn’t legal everywhere? How could I explain to her that those of us who support gay rights and equality were outvoted by those who do not. I didn’t necessarily want to have that conversation, only because it makes me angry and upset. I didn’t want to put that on my 10 year old sister when, even though she is shockingly mature and smart, she’s simply not old enough to listen to what I have to say about the subject. One day, we’ll have that conversation. But, at that moment in time, I simply changed the subject and started teasing her like any other big sister.

For centuries, women have had to fight to establish equality in a very paternalistic society. Women had to band together to form the Suffrage Movement. Women fought for equality during the Civil Rights Movement and created the Feminist Movement when society still treated them like second-class citizens. In the last 100 years, women have been incredibly successful in overturning anti-discriminatory laws and creating new laws to protect our rights. There is no doubt that the time we live in now is markedly different than the era of our mothers and grandmothers.

As women:

• We lived without voting rights until 1920.
• We lived without FDA-approved birth-control until 1960.
• We lived without discrimination laws and equal opportunity in the workplace until 1964.
• We lived with sex-segregated employment ads until 1968.
• We  lived without the Equal Pay Act until 1970.
• We lived without Title IX until 1972.
• We lived without reproductive rights until 1973.
• We lived without the Pregnancy Discrimination Ban until 1978.
• We lived without the Lily Ledbetter Act until 2009.

From our mothers to our great-great-great grandmothers, women have worked hard to ensure a better future for their daughters, and the women of today continue to take a stand against injustice and inequality. As women, we have lived with discrimination and intolerance. We have lived as second-class citizens. We have lived without laws to protect ourselves and our rights. So, I ask my mama-sisters, why aren’t we working harder to ensure a better future for our children and grandchildren?  Why aren’t we doing more to stand up to injustice and inequality?

I live in California where Prop 22 passed in 2000 with 61.4% of the vote. On May 15, 2008, Prop 22 was ruled unconstitutional and invalidated. The reaction was mixed, to say the least. Financed by powerful religious organizations and anti-gay organizations, Prop 8 passed just this last year with 52.2% of the vote. I have gay friends who were able to legally marry without problem between May 15th and November 4th. I have other gay friends who missed that small window and do not have that same right. Shortly after the election, I was talking with a few women about the outcome. One mom mentioned that she was tired of all the talk and didn’t want her child exposed to people discussing gay rights. She said, in so many words – it’s so hard for kids these days anyways, so why do we need to add one more thing? I thought about that and replied, yes, it is hard. So why don’t we work to make it easier for them.

Opponents of gay equality rights often cite the Bible as a source for their discrimination. I take issue with that, especially as woman. I am a woman of faith, but I do not take the Bible as a literal and valid source for establishing laws in our society. If that were the case, then equality laws and protections for women would never have been created.

Many of us look back to our history and think, wow, how did women live in a world without equal rights? Within 10 years, I want people to look back and think the same thing. Legal discrimination against gays is a major problem of today. So, I ask you, let’s work to make sure that it’s still not a problem in 10 years. Let’s make sure that future generations look back and think, wow, how did people ever think that discrimination against gays and gay rights was acceptable?

The best place to start making a difference is in the home. As the parents, we are the primary role models for our children. They look to us for guidance on how to navigate this world and how to interact with others. If we are intolerant, discriminatory, and judgmental of others, our children will learn to do the same. Teach your children well. Teach them by being a role model for tolerance, acceptance, and for what is right. It might be your child that needs legal protections and anti-discriminatory laws in the future.  But, even more so, it might be your child that needs to know they are always loved and accepted by you…no matter who they love.

Learn more about what you can do for gay rights:

Human Rights Campaign
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
Gay Rights

In California:
Courage Campaign
No on 8