As you settle into your 30′s, there’s a good chance that you’re no longer a professional student or floating from one dead-end job to another.   You probably have a career or a career on hold while you’re raising children.   Although more and more people are holding off on marriage and children well into their 30′s (or abandoning that lifestyle all together), there is a whole host of other responsibilities that people in their 30′s usually have accrued. Maybe you have a demanding career, a mortgage or high rent, and car payments. And school loans from college or for that MA degree from when you were 25 that you may or may not have actually needed. The 30′s are a time when we become more knowledgeable about who we are and what we need in life to make us happy. However, reaching that place of happiness and staying there can easily make the most calm and collected of us into anxious nervous-wrecks.

Societal and familial values, in addition to biological urges,  have created a simple plan for us to follow – school, career, marriage, house, dog, children. Because of that, many people in their 20′s look at their 30′s as a time to get serious, settle down, and work even harder to get ahead. But then we arrive in our 30′s and get nervous when things don’t go as planned.

When our lives do follow that constructed order for how things should go, we now have to live up to the lifestyle. We have to make sure we can support our families, work hard in our careers, pay our bills, nurture our marriage/partnership, and keep our kids healthy, educated, and safe. We don’t have the luxury of having very few responsibilities. We need to raise our kids well, which includes wanting them to excel in school, sports, and arts. We worry about saving money for college as soon as we read the positive  pregnancy test. We work hard to make sure we can always afford everything we want for ourselves and our family.  And we’re so busy raising children and working on our careers, that our marriages, partnerships, and friendships can easily suffer.  A simple kinda life really isn’t so simple. Is it any wonder why so many of us are anxious?

There is no easy answer when it comes to avoiding the common anxiety associated with having expectations and ambitions. If we want marriage/partnership, children, a successful career, the picket fence – in essence, the proverbial “having it all” ambition that many of us share – then we must prepare ourselves for the emotional and mental toll it can take on us. Anxiety is a part of life and we need to accept it.

When we’re inundated with responsibilities, pressures, and the need to “prove something,”  it’s easy to get caught up in a vicious cycle of anxiety. We may interpret anxiety as something wrong when it can simply be a signal to us that something needs to change. Anxiety can actually be very healthy since it can motivate and strengthen us. However, when anxiety is compounded with irrational thinking, we are easily weakened by it. As challenging as it can be, we need to tune into our anxiety and learn how to use it to our advantage. Anxiety signals us when we need to work harder and “up our game” and it can also signal us to relax and let it go. It’s not easy to learn those signals but, whatever you do, don’t ignore the signs of stress and anxiety. Avoiding your stress will only exacerbate it and possibly cause physical symptoms as well. Confronting your stress and anxiety in a positive manner is the most beneficial way to deal with it. When you’re feeling overwhelmed by life, talk through your challenges. Have positive coping tools at the ready, such as taking a walk, practicing yoga, writing, or just taking time to be with friends and family.

Marriage/partnership, career, home, children – the 30′s is often a span in one’s life that is filled with many ups and downs, huge transitions, and great expectations.  The 30′s will often challenge most of us and it’s in those challenging times that we need to focus on everything good in our life. If we want more for ourselves, we need to be pragmatic and realistic. But one thing is for sure  – we can’t allow our self-worth to be determined by what we have and have not accomplished. I think that’s one lesson to be learned at any age.

Disclaimer: I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

From speeding tickets (all of us) to falling out of a 2nd story window (my sister) to getting hit by a car while riding a bike (my brother) to splitting a forehead wide open by falling on a step (my sister) to skydiving in our late teens (me, my brother), to getting into a bad moped accident in Ibiza (me) to traveling to scary foreign lands (all of us) my mom and dad became accustomed to the anxiety-induced adrenaline rush generated by the wild and accident-prone behavior of their children.

I had never really thought too much about this until I became a parent. I’ve worried about my baby boy before I even knew he was a boy. I’ve been worrying before, during, and every minute after he breathed his first breath. I think about how much I worry over him now and what it will be like in the future, when he’s driving for the first time, when he’s off to school, when he goes off into the world. I had assumed that the feelings of anxiety will only get easier.

My parents have informed me otherwise.

It’s been 30+ years since they have brought three children into the world and they still don’t have it much easier.

My brother is a psychologist in the military, a position he opted to take during this time of war.  He does not currently work in a war zone, but that could change any time. My sister, a civilian lawyer, works in Afghanistan. My parents are besides themselves with worry. They scour the news everyday. Their heart skips a beat before every phone call, especially those from an international number.  My sister has learned to check in with e-mails, even just to say nothing more than “hi.” She has learned to send an “I’m OK” mass e-mail to her immediate family before we hear about attacks in her area. Those e-mails bring most of her loved ones temporary solace during a constant state of turmoil. But, for my parents, the e-mails only validate their anxiety and fears.

I suppose it doesn’t matter if your child is 2 days, 2 months, 2 years, 22 years, or 32 years old. It doesn’t matter if your child is always with you at home, away at college, works in a “safe” city, or works in a war zone. As a parent, you will worry. A lot. It doesn’t always get easier. And, for some parents, it only gets harder.

Sleep. We all need it but, not surprisingly, very few of us get enough of it. A 2002 National Sleep Foundation study revealed that about 74% of all American adults experience symptoms of insomnia a few nights a week, or more. Insomnia could mean a variety of things – not able to go to sleep within 15 minutes of laying down, getting up too early, waking up periodically through the night, and not feeling rested the next morning even after an adequate amount of sleep. The research indicated that 39% get less than 7 hours of sleep each weeknight and 37% are so sleepy during the day that it interferes with daily activities. 20% of Americans use sleep medications and 15% use sleep medications every night. Women make up the majority (63%) of the people who suffer most from insomnia.  In addition, 66% of people dealing with insomnia have children in the household.

Shocking? Not really.

It doesn’t take much to figure out why parents, and specifically women, have trouble sleeping. Parenting and anxiety tend to go hand-in-hand. There is so much to worry about – money, mortgage, marriage, soccer practice, homework, paying for college, will he get into college?, crazy people, pedophiles, car accidents, H1N1…whew! It’s enough to make any parent stay up with worry every night. But who has the time to worry about all that stuff during the day? We’re too busy being pulled in a million directions and thinking about the next thing we need to do…or just don’t have time to do. Often enough, our anxieties surface much more at night than during the day. As soon as we lay our tired bodies down to sleep, those anxious worries and thoughts may begin to ruminate. It’s hard to go to sleep and stay asleep when there are a billion worrisome thoughts racing around in our minds.

If anxiety is the key factor for restless and altogether sleepless nights, there are many options for people. We all know that medication is one of them. Have you ever taken sleep medication? Chances are you have. The number of people who have tried and/or regularly use sleep medication steadily increases each year. For one thing, there are a lot more options for the sleepless, from herbal and natural remedies such as Melatonin and Tryptophan to over-the-counter sleep aids such as Tylenol PM and Nytol to prescription drugs like Ambien and Trazodone. If you choose to take a sleep medication, whether it’s herbal or prescription, it’s important to do your homework beforehand. Just like any other medication, there can be side effects and possible interactions with other medications. And for prescription medication, especially, there is also a risk for dependence, lowered tolerance, and rebound insomnia.

I have an opinion on prescription sleep medication and it’s mostly based on personal experience. Like so many other people, I have experienced anxiety issues. Several years ago, over the course of about 6 months, I had trouble sleeping and staying asleep. I called my doctor and without even stepping foot in her office, I was prescribed a variety of drugs, including Xanax and Ambien. I didn’t take the Xanax, except to fly (a story for another blog) but within a few weeks, I became dependent on Ambien. What does that mean exactly? I was not able to go to sleep at all without popping an Ambien pill. This lasted for months. I attempted to quit Ambien several times, each time more difficult than the previous time. I suffered intense panic attacks at night and even a few during the day. I also went though bouts of rebound insomnia that seemed 100 times worse than the actual insomnia I originally experienced. It was one of the most physically and mentally excruciating times in my life.  I was finally able to quit Ambien with the help of cognitive behavioral therapy, a therapeutic model that is found to be the most useful for changing negative thought-processes. It was not an easy process, but it was a process that worked in the long run. I have not taken one sleeping pill, or any other type of prescription medication for anxiety, in over 3 years and my anxiety is largely under control.

My personal experience is not to say that I think prescription sleep medications are a bad thing. Each person is different and what worked (and failed) for me may or may not work for you. I just believe that sleep medication should be considered as a last-resort for insomnia when all else fails. I would be wary of a doctor that immediately prescribes sleep medication without first suggesting other non-medicinal or non-prescription remedies and alternatives. Any prescription drug should be taken seriously and with thoughtful consideration before heading to the pharmacy. I am also of the opinion that if insomnia is related to anxiety and/or another mental health issue, any prescription sleep medication taken should coincide with therapy as well.

Tips for a good night of sleep (adapted from the National Sleep Foundation):

• Avoid caffeine several hours before bedtime. For some people, avoid caffeine at least 8 hours before sleep.
• Avoid alcohol before bedtime as it can lead to disrupted sleep.
• Exercise regularly but complete your workout at least 3 hours before bedtime.
• Establish a regular relaxing bedtime routine, such as taking a shower or bath.
• Create a sleep-conducive environment that is dark, quiet, and preferably cool and comfortable. Use a sound machine or fan for white noise. Use a sleep mask to help block out light.
• Do not nap during the day as this will interfere with your body clock. If you must nap, make sure it is less than 30 minutes. 5-10 minutes is ideal.
• Don’t eat a large, heavy meal before bedtime as indigestion can interfere with sleep.
• Don’t drink too much liquid before bedtime.
• Don’t read or watch anything too excitable, stressful, or scary prior to bedtime. In other words, don’t read or watch the news.
• Use a sleep diary, which can help a therapist or doctor determine poor sleep habits.

Sweet Dreams!

Let’s start with pregnancy. It’s been said that the physical strain of pregnancy and childbirth can take a year off your life. For some of us, that experience might have shaved off about five years. Remember that life sucking machine from the movie, Princess Bride? Well, that’s what labor felt like for me.

After the kid is born, it’s all about the kid. You barely have time to shower and throw on some lip-gloss let alone check in with your physical and mental well-being. Sure, you’re in and out of doctors offices all the time, but you rarely (if ever) see one for yourself. Oh, you’ve had a migraine for a week? A weird bump? A lingering cough? Who has time to check in with a real doctor? That’s why they invented WebMD.

When your kid starts preschool, it’s all downhill from there. Children become carriers for all things germy and disease-ridden. There is no doubt that you will get sick when you have kids. Often. If your child has a runny nose and cough, expect to wake up the next morning with the same problem. You’ll probably get even more sick than the kid, but you don’t have time to wallow in Kleenex-wrapped pity. Get back in the kitchen and make their lunch! And, speaking of lunch, who has time to eat it? You might serve your kid organic and nutritious meals, but you’re often relegated to live off saltines, canned chili, and whatever particles of food are left on the highchair.

Physical health aside, let’s talk about something that can wreak even more havoc on the body. I’m talking about our mental well-being. Were you anxious and neurotic before kids? Yes? That was nothing. Expect your anxiety level to multiply a thousand times. Not only is the world a dangerous place, but so is your house. If you’re like me, every single drawer and cabinet door is child-proofed.  There are baby gates everywhere. There is an alarm on all the doors (just in case the kid tries to escape). TV’s are secured or strapped against the wall. All cords are stored away, oven doors and toilet seats are locked, and there is absolutely nothing breakable around. The kid’s room is practically empty other than a few stuffed animals and a baby monitor. Sometimes all you want is some peace and quiet, but once you finally get it you’ll freak out that something is wrong.

There is no peace. Ever.

Your mind will always be thinking about the what if’s. You hear of horrible stories and experiences from other parents and then play the “what-if-that-happened-to us?” scenario over and over in your mind. There’s a good chance that the new cough or slight fever is the H1N1.  You worry about letting your kids walk down the street or go to a friend’s house. You worry about vaccinating. Is Jenny McCarthy right? Will my kid end up like Rain Main if I vaccinate against polio? Maybe polio isn’t such a bad thing.

Is it any wonder why there are so many mom blogs and twitter accounts with the words – alcohol, bottle, rum, drink, etc… So many of these moms are so stressed out that they don’t know how else to cope. Drinking moms could be laughed off as being cliche if major tragedies didn’t occur from play-dates fueled with martini’s. We’ve all heard the horror stories about that. So, while some moms drink, others need Trazadone just to ease their restless and worried mind. I have a feeling that the consumer demand for sleep medication is dominated by parents of young children.

On a serious note, it’s not that uncommon to put yourself second (or third, fourth, etc…) behind your kids.  We will (literally) break our backs for our kids, but even that might not be a good enough reason to tend to ourselves. We need to prioritize our own physical and mental health, too. We need to eat well, exercise, and stay healthy. We need good coping mechanisms to deal with stress: think yoga, lunch with friends, or a walk around the neighborhood. We need to sometimes check out in order to check in with ourselves. As difficult as it might be, take some time every week to do something for yourself. Parents are caretakers and the role of a caretaker is often the most difficult job in the world. You’re so busy tending and fretting over other people that you don’t do the same for yourself. Make the time. Get your partner, family member, or friend to watch the kid(s) for a few hours every week and don’t feel guilty for doing so. Your family, your body, and your sanity will thank you for it.