What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.
— Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

The oft-quoted passage from Shakespeare obscures Romeo & Juliet’s real lesson.  While a rose by any other name may indeed smell equally sweet, I’m not sure that Signores Montague and Capulet fixated on scent.  It was pedigree and genealogy about which they worried, and, to that end, names disclosed and meant quite a bit.

Names come to define and signify us.  More than just labels, they also become laden with emotion, identifying information, and meaning; giving up a name means forfeiting a portion of our identity.  People have come to know me as my name, and to know my name as me.  I wasn’t willing to give that up when I took my vows, and I didn’t expect that Aimee would be any happier to either.

Our Story
As loyal AYMB readers, you already know the punchline: When we married, Aimee took my last name, jettisoning her birth middle name and replacing it with her maiden name, sans hyphen.  This decision — one that she drove, but that we made together — flew in the face of our liberal upbringings, education, and beliefs.  That my partner would tend the house and children, while I tended to our income seemed just as crazy as the prospect that my partner would bear my name like a possessive.  Fast forward a half-dozen years, and both have occurred.   I joke that we’re the accidental traditionalists.

To be clear, I never asked Aimee to change her name, nor would I have asked.  I imagined that she would either keep her maiden name or hyphenate our names together.  We both found distasteful the concept of a woman giving up her name in order to take her husband’s. (Let’s shamefully assume heterosexuality here.)  It’s an unfortunate tradition that smacks of uglier times when women were treated like property, and when their parents (read: fathers) bartered them into marriage.  But, as Churchill famously said about democracy (it being the worst possible form of government…except for all the others), we found name-changing to be the worst possible and least likable option, besides all the others.

The Alternatives
So, what options are there?  Well, the obvious alternative is for wives to keep their maiden names.  I was fine with this.  But Aimee wanted to have the same name as her children.  (Again, traditionalism sneaks in.  Even as we were open-minded about name-changing, we just assumed that my name would pass on to our children.)

How about hyphenating?  Not a bad alternative, we thought.  But what if we hyphenated the kids’ names, too, and then they married hyphenated kids?  Four surnames?  And then what if their kids married four-surname kids?  The prospect of exponential hyphenation seemed silly and simply impracticable.

How about I take Aimee’s name?  It wasn’t something I wanted consider.  Besides that people knew me by my last name, that name is so rare that my brother and I are the only males (assuming our female cousins cling to tradition) potentially to pass it on.  I couldn’t countenance a situation in which my family name would disappear in a generation.  “Hypocrite!,” you shout.  No, not at all. That I so vehemently opposed giving up my name only made me anticipate and accept that Aimee likely would would not give up hers.  (That she ultimately did shows the power of tradition as tie-breaker.)

How about the clever and trending practice of merging names into a new one?  This also has the added attraction of having both parents share their name with their children.  But for all the equity in this approach, it also doubles the “harm” of name-changing:  Now two people would be cleaved from their past identities; two family names would stop being passed to future generations.

Because we both found ourselves early in our careers, we did not much consider the option of using a maiden name for professional reasons and a married name for personal reasons.  That practical option allows the wife to preserve her past identity (somewhat), while also allowing children to have the same (legal) name as their mothers.  But it also plays right into tradition, again, by assuming that children should take on their fathers’ names.  Worse, it prevents children from being associated with their mothers’ professional successes.

‘Til Death Do Us Part
So there we were as newlyweds, two feminists fully aware of the irony of Aimee taking on my name.  We realized it was an imperfect choice, but accepted it as the least imperfect (for us) of the alternatives.  By making her maiden name into her middle name, Aimee honored her family heritage while also preserving her past identity.  By taking my name, though, her family name will not continue down our branch of the family tree.  That is regrettable.

Each couple needs to choose the option that works best for it, hopefully honoring the wishes of the bride (who so often is the one most affected by it).  Our own decision has worked well for us.  We just thank our lucky stars that my name was not Montague…

My Two Special Guys - the Dude and the Monkey

Hello! Welcome to Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog (AYMB). My name is Aimee.

I am a SoCal native, born and raised, but fled to San Francisco when I was 20 years old. I lived there for about 12 years before moving back to the land of Housewives and Hummers. During my time in SF I met a really smart, funny, and all-around cool Dude*…despite the fact that he’s a lawyer. I married him and we have a little boy who is 3 years old. We nicknamed him “Monkey” when he was first born (original, I know) but he really has turned into one.  He grunts, likes to climb stuff, loves bananas, and has opposable toes.

I have a BA in Sociology, a Masters in Public Administration, and a Masters in Counseling Psychology. You might wonder what I actually do with those degrees. After many years working in low-income government housing management, I am now a registered pre-licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFTi).  Once the Monkey came along, I put aside my career in counseling to be a stay-at-home-mom. I started this blog in August 2009, which has led to some great opportunities. Aside from writing about topics that I love, working with great companies and agencies that I respect, and hosting the occasional fabulous giveaway, I also write parenting articles for the wonderful Tight Bod With a Pod website and have been featured in a few other publications, including the StrollerDerby Blog via Babble.com. In addition to this blog and the occasional freelance writing opportunity, I also sit on the Board of Directors for a non-profit philanthropic organization.

Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to contact me at aimee@aintyomamasblog.com if you have any questions or comments.

You can follow me on twitter or fan the AYMB page on Facebook!

PR Policy: My blog is PR friendly, with some exceptions. Not all products will be approved for a review. Please also note that I will not review or endorse a product unless a give-away item is included. All reviews and opinions are based on my own honest experience with the product and will not be influenced by free product or compensation.

Comment Policy: I have the right to delete or ignore comments that I consider to be offensive, disparaging, or irrelevant to the topic. You have the right to disagree with me, but please do so in a civilized and constructive manner. I’ll make sure to do the same.

*Why is my husband called The Dude? Two reasons: I actually do call him that (among more embarrassing nicknames) and I am a HUGE Big Lebowski fan.  But, unlike the original Dude, my own Dude does not call himself The Dude nor does he particularly care for White Russians. He is, however, an excellent bowler.