My father, my half-brother and my half-sister flew in from the the East Coast for a visit last week. My half-brother is 14 and my half-sister is 10.

I was 20 years old and away at college when my brother was born. I was in graduate school when my sister was born. Since we’re decades of age apart, didn’t grow up together, and live across the country from each other, I obviously don’t have a normal sisterly relationship with them. I love them as I do the sister and brother I grew up with, but it’s a very different relationship.  Over time, I have developed a dynamic with them that is seems half-mother/half-sister. When you’re old enough to be the mother of your siblings (and often get mistaken for the mom…ugh), it’s easy to find yourself playing the mom role just as easily as it is to be the sister.

During our visits, I find myself shifting between this mother role and the sister role. I can ask my brother and sister to help with dinner, stop running down the hardwood stairs in slippery socks, or clean up after themselves just as easily as I can find myself on the couch with them playing DJ Hero, teasing and giggling with them as if I were their age.  At the same time, I need to monitor myself like I would with any other kids around, like watch my language and avoid inappropriate topics.  And when topics come up that aren’t necessarily inappropriate, but definitely on the serious side, it can be confusing as to how to handle it. For one thing, my sister and brother aren’t even half as sheltered as I was growing up. It’s not because of how they are parented but rather it’s due to the world they and their friends live in. Their access to the world is staggering and their precociousness is reminiscent of my young adult self and certainly not my tween and teen self.

As I walked along with my 10 year old sister one day last week, we got to talking about marriage. As we passed by a gay couple on the street, our conversation led to gay relationships and marriage. When I mentioned that gay marriage is not legal here in California, she stopped walking. Looking incredulous and surprised, she looked up at me and said, “Wait, gay marriage isn’t legal here?!?” I could only respond, “No, it isn’t.” She was silent for a few minutes, which is unusual for her, and pondered that.

Perhaps it was my tone that ended the conversation. It was a tone that took me back to my own youth when I asked questions of my parents that could not easily be explained. I became a mother in that tone, even though I wanted to talk like a sister. But I couldn’t do that. How could I possibly respond to a 10 year old that lives in a State where gay marriage is legal and explain why it isn’t legal everywhere? How could I explain to her that those of us who support gay rights and equality were outvoted by those who do not. I didn’t necessarily want to have that conversation, only because it makes me angry and upset. I didn’t want to put that on my 10 year old sister when, even though she is shockingly mature and smart, she’s simply not old enough to listen to what I have to say about the subject. One day, we’ll have that conversation. But, at that moment in time, I simply changed the subject and started teasing her like any other big sister.

Golden Retrievers are often used for therapeutic purposes

I recently learned that a psychology team in Afghanistan brought a few therapy service dogs with them to help the troops.  There is reason to believe that these dogs will be very helpful for the troops as they help keep spirits high and ease the mental and physical stresses associated with combat.

Since World War II, animals have been commonly used in both mental and physical therapeutic settings as a way to help the healing process. From cats and dogs to horses, animals have been proven to be a wonderful way to help people recover from both mental and physical ailments. Anyone who has a companion animal or a service dog already knows that there is nothing like holding, hugging, and petting a warm, soft, and cuddly animal to help ease the mind and soothe the soul.

Animals can help lower blood pressure and reduce stress and anxiety levels. They can also help combat depression and social isolation, two issues that are often comorbid with other mental or psychical health problems. Specially trained service animals have helped people in private therapeutic settings, schools, hospitals, convalescent homes, and even prisons.

The Army has begun using therapy service dogs to help war veterans combat PTSD and other mental health issues, so it makes sense that psych teams are finally bringing service dogs to those currently serving in war zones. It will be interesting to see how effective service dogs will be for our troops. They can certainly provide unconditional love and comfort in volatile situations, but will they also be able to help stave off mental health distress or the development of mental health disorders commonly associated with combat? Time will tell. But as the rate of mental health problems, PTSD, and suicide-related deaths increase among troops and veterans, let’s hope that therapy service dogs will prove to be a very useful therapeutic method within the military.

According to random.org, the winner of the book On All the Things That Make Me Beautiful by Nadirah Angail is:

Comment #3 – Keena!

Congrats, Keena! I’m sure you’ll enjoy the book as much as I did.

Put a little *vroom* in your juice

For my two year old Monkey, everything that makes a loud whirring sound is called a *vroom-vroom*. Which explains why whenever I break out the blender to make a smoothie, my toddler says it’s time for *vroom-vroom juice*.

There are a ton of different ways to make a smoothie and it seems like I’ve tried a hundred different varieties without nailing the perfect consistency. The smoothie either turns out too sweet, too bitter, too grainy, or has too many seeds.  This one, however, is my favorite smoothie recipe. And the Monkey loves it, too:

The Monkey’s Vroom-Vroom Juice

• 2 cups organic Acai juice (I prefer Acai with pomegranate juice)
• 1/2 cup of non-fat organic vanilla or plain yogurt
• 1 frozen banana
• 1 small package of frozen organic strawberries
• 1 frozen mango

Optional:

1 tablespoon of flaxseed

When you’re preparing to *vroom-vroom*, make sure to add the ingredients in the order I listed in order to help blend more smoothly and evenly. If the blender doesn’t seem to be working, you may have an air pocket. Safely and carefully, lift the lid and use a spoon to stir up the mixture before proceeding to blend again. You may have to blend for about 2-3 minutes before you get the right consistency.

For toddlers, the best cup I have found for smoothies is the Munchkin Mighty Grip Flip Straw Cups. They’re not the easiest sippy cup to clean and assemble, but toddlers find them very easy and fun to use.

The *vroom-vroom juice* smoothies also make great frozen fruit bars! My favorite mold is the Tovolo Shooting Stars.

Cheers!

I read what Mel Gibson said in those tapes to his ex-girlfriend. I didn’t actually hear the tapes, but I read the dialogue. Like most people who heard or read the words that came out of Mr. Gibson’s mouth, I was disgusted. It’s pretty easy to suggest that Mr. Gibson is racist, bigoted, and misogynistic. Ever since that alcohol-fueled episode in 2006, it’s been apparent to the public that Mel Gibson deals with demons. But, these recent tapes were more chilling. These words were directed to the mother of his infant child. They were scary and hateful. The venomous words that spewed from Mr. Gibson’s mouth were beyond misogyny and racism. They were filled with rage.

Anger and rage are not the same. Anger, when expressed in a civilized and controlled way, is a healthy feeling and expression. When anger is suppressed, it only damages the person holding it inside. But when anger is expressed in a volatile way, such as Mr. Gibson’s case, it is beyond anger. It is rage. Anger is not violent. It is not harmful. On the contrary, expressed angry can be healthy and constructive. Rage is not. Rage is distressing. It is harmful. It is emotionally abusive.

Everyone gets angry at some point or another, but not everyone deals with anger the same way. There are three ways people tend to deal with anger: avoid anger, explode with anger, or express anger in a healthy and positive way. Women, more often than men, tend to avoid expressing anger while more men than women explode with anger. Women tend to internalize their anger and suffer in silence. There could be various reasons for that, but it is especially the case when a women is in an abusive relationship.  Women who are in relationships with men that explode with anger often suppress their own anger and other emotions.  They fear that expressing their own anger will set their husband or partner off. And, rightfully so, in many cases.

People that explode with anger, men or women, exert rage as a form of dominance, control, and manipulation. On the extreme side, such as in the case of Mel Gibson, they will fly into a rage and use physical violence or the threat of it to coerce a partner and exert power. The abuser will then use their out-of-control rage as an excuse and justification for their actions. “She made me do it” or “I hit her because she made me angry” is often expressed. Blaming the victim is the norm when it comes to people who explode with anger. They rarely take responsibility for their actions.

Was Mel Gibson physically abused as a boy? Was he bullied? Was he raised to have contempt for women and other minorities? Does he see them as weak and inferior? Was he raised, like so many boys, to hide his vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and feelings? Does any of that matter? To some degree, yes, but the most important task for Mel Gibson to do now is to get help for his behavior and actions. He needs to take responsibility for his abusive behavior. He needs to own his rage. He needs to change for his children, his baby girl, and everyone else in his life. But, perhaps most importantly, he needs to change for himself. Living life as an angry man, an abusive man, a man filled with rage, and one who cannot take responsibility for his actions is, at the root of everything, a man who is miserable.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

“….our potential is endless. Even when we’re tired and beaten down, drained and out of steam, frustrated and full of rage, or broke and without a dime, our God-given potential for greatness is intact and abundant. It’s an innate power that comes free with birth, but often gets ignored and forgotten as life takes hold.”

-Nadirah Angail

In our world today, it can be a challenge for young women to gain self-confidence and a healthy perspective and awareness on life, in general. From a much-too early age, we are inundated with negative images, words, and beliefs. Many young women are brought up to believe that there are limitations. We live in a society that often projects to girls and women that there is only one standard of beauty, one way to behave, one way to be treated, one way to love, and so forth. Blogger and author Nadirah Angail, who has a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, wrote this book to remind girls and women that the only *one* thing you need to do in life is to love and believe in yourself.

This book, composed of easy-to-read short blog-style essays, offers women of all ages advice and many words of wisdom. It’s a book that many older women may wish their younger selves had read. Angail address a number of topics that relate to women of all ages, from learning the signs of healthy love versus unhealthy love, red flags and deal breakers for relationships, on overcoming the end of the *honeymoon* phase in a relationship, dealing with negative friendships, self-doubt, self-acceptance, forgiveness, personal reflection, and being responsible for your own happiness.

Angail writes beautifully and simply, in a way that captures the reader’s attention and keeps it. It’s easy to relate to her perspective and thoughts on different issues and you will probably often find yourself nodding in agreement. On the same token, you may find yourself reflecting and checking in with yourself. Are you confident with who you are at this present time? Do you respect yourself and give yourself the freedom to make mistakes (and the time to learn from them)? The older and wiser a woman gets, the more confident and self-assure she usually becomes.  Yet every women will sometimes struggle with her self-esteem.  Every woman needs to affirm her self-worth regularly and make sure that she is focusing more on her positive qualities than her self-attributed negative qualities. Accepting yourself in the present, not who you were yesterday or who you want to be tomorrow, is one of the most important lessons a woman can learn in life. This is the flowing theme of Angail’s book, a theme that every woman needs to subscribe to for her own personal mantra.

Book Give-Away!

Nadirah Angail has generously donated a signed copy of On All the Things That Make Me Beautiful to give-away to one of my readers. Please leave a comment below for a chance to win. For extra entries, tweet about this book review and give-away, become a follower of @aintyomamasblog on Twitter, or a subscriber of this blog and then leave an additional comment.  I will draw a random winner using random. org on Thursday, July 22nd. Good luck!

Disclaimer: I was given a signed copy of this book as compensation for the review. The opinions reflected in this book review are my own.

The winner for the give-away items sponsored by Lead-Free Kids is comment #5!  Congrats, Victoria! I will be contacting you shortly via e-mail.

Have you checked out that shiny new badge on my home-page for Lead-Free Kids? If you feel as strongly as I do about the prevention of lead-poisoning, a serious health problem that affects one million children nationwide today, please feel free to download the badge to your website as well.

Congrats again to the winner of the give-away and a BIG thank you to Lead-Free Kids for all you do to help prevent lead poisoning.

On the 4th of July, that day of all days, my baby brother deployed to Afghanistan.

For my family, this meant two things.  My brother, an Army psychologist, had to leave his base in Europe and say goodbye to his pregnant wife and two year old son for the next year. It also meant that, as of the 4th of July, both my brother and sister are now living in Afghanistan.

As I spent the long holiday weekend at the beach, enjoying the company of my family and good friends, my mind was elsewhere. It was on a military plane that was flying my brother to a war zone. It was in the isolated desert compound where my sister lives and in the helicopter that transports her to various work assignments. It was with her husband, my brother-in-law, patiently waiting for his wife to return home to him. It was with my pregnant sister-in-law, living alone in Europe with her toddler, missing her husband tremendously. It was with my two year old nephew, not old enough to grasp that his daddy won’t be there every night to read him a story before going to sleep.

My brother and sister, the two people I grew up with fighting and loving along the way, do not live typical American lives. And when people you love are living an extraordinary life, it makes you appreciate your ordinary life all the more.

A few months ago, my sister called to say hello. It was 2 am her time and she had been watching her DVD’s of the TV show 30 Rock. While watching the show, she had become homesick. There is always a little ache within her – she always misses her husband and her family. But what surprised her were the little things that caused her to miss home even more, like watching a TV character drink a Starbucks coffee while casually walking down a busy city street. It was a simple reminder of her former life. She longed to do those little things that most of us take for granted, the simple things that provide normalcy. We don’t give walking down the street with a coffee in our hand a second thought. We don’t consider going to the grocery store to buy fresh food or go window shopping at the mall a big deal. Why would we? Living ordinary lives gives us the power and freedom to ignore everyday things.

When families are separated for a while, for whatever reason, it’s not just the big events that will be missed. My sister has had to miss wedding anniversaries, birthdays, and funerals. My brother will miss the birth of his second child and  his son’s third birthday. But, perhaps even more importantly, is that they will also miss the normal everyday family stuff like cooking and eating meals together, going on a walk around the neighborhood, enjoying a fun day at the park or beach, or reading a story to your child at bedtime and giving him a kiss goodnight.

I spent the 4th doing what most American families were doing, spending the day with family and friends and enjoying the fireworks. My normal and simple life will continue as usual, but a big part of my mind and heart will be in Afghanistan for a while. I will be waiting for my brother and sister. Waiting for them to return back to an ordinary life.

Ready to go play with the pool guy's dog

We don’t have a dog yet, but we would like to have one soon. The Monkey will be 3 in October and I think 3 is a great age to welcome your first dog.

The process to find a perfect dog for our home has already been challenging. We joined two wait lists with local agencies to adopt a rescue dog quite a while ago. We knew the wait would be long, but the reality is that it might not happen at all. Both agencies told us that it’s difficult to place a rescue dog in a home with a very young child, even if that dog came from a family with young kids. So we waited. The question is, nearly two years later, do we still wait? I think we’ve waited long enough.

Since we won’t buy a dog from a pet store or from any other puppy mill,  it’s time to start looking for a good breeder with a reputable history. Now comes the hard part – what type of breed will work for our family? The Dude was raised mostly with Golden Retrievers while I raised with a few different mutts. We both love Golden and Labrador Retrievers, but I’m concerned about their size and shedding issue.

Here’s a few other considerations. The majority of our home has dark maple wood flooring that can scratch easily. I know what you’re thinking – yes, we were dumb to install flooring like that with a toddler. Not only is it getting scratched here and there but it is, by far, the most challenging floor I’ve ever had to keep clean. And I’ve even had white carpeting! I have to break out the Bona cleaner at least once a day, but I also blame that on my OCD cleaning habits. All of this is to say that we’ll need a dog that doesn’t mind getting his nails clipped regularly and doesn’t shed that much.  I believe that may rule out the Retrievers.

More importantly than shedding and cleaning, I want a friendly dog. A dog that can be trained easily. I want a dog that will play with my son but not be too aggressive or jumpy.  I also want a dog that won’t bark all the time, like when the doorbell or phone rings.

I have many concerns simply because I want a dog that will fit most of our needs. But my biggest priority is what dog will be best for a toddler and for our family. So, now my question goes out to all my readers out there who grew up with dogs or who many have a family dog now:

What type of dog is your perfect family dog?

In my house, there is only one way to make french toast. With Challah bread.

Challah bread is a traditional Jewish bread that is usually served on Shabbat. You can usually find this type of bread in the bakery section of most major grocery stores, however they may call it “braided egg bread.” I don’t usually buy Challah at the grocery store since I have a few local bakeries that bake delicious Challah bread. Check in with your local bakery before heading to the grocery store. It makes a big difference.

If I’m planning on preparing my Challah french toast on a Sunday morning, I buy the bread on Friday. It’s best to to use 1-2 day old bread for this recipe. Just keep in mind that if you’re buying Challah bread on Shabbat, you may want to call ahead to order in advance.

Ingredients:

• One loaf of Challah Bread (10-12 slices)
• 6 eggs
• 1 1/2 cups of milk. I use low-fat, skim, or light soy milk.
• 4 tablespoons of honey
• 4 tablespoons of orange juice
• 2 teaspoons of vanilla
• 1/2 teaspoon of kosher/sea salt
• Cinnamon, optional
• 4 tablespoons of butter for grilling purposes only

(Click on pics to expand)

Make sure to have a 10-inch non-stick pan and a cooling rack over a baking sheet ready.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Combine the eggs, milk, honey, orange juice, vanilla, salt, and cinnamon in a bowl and whisk well. Dip a slice of bread in the mixture and coat well on each side. Allow the bread to soak for about 30 seconds and then place the battered slice of bread on the cooling rack. Once all the bread slices have been coated, start heating up the griddle pan.

Over a medium-high heat, melt 1 tablespoon of butter in the pan. Place up to three bread slices in the pan but just make sure they can all fit. Cook each slice until golden brown, about 2-3 minutes for each side. Remove from pan and place back on the cooling rack. Once all the slices have been cooked and placed back on the cooling rack, put the baking pan in the oven for about 8-10 minutes. Serve with REAL maple syrup and fresh fruit. I like my french toast with either mixed berries and/or slices of banana.

Bon Appétit

Edited on 6/29/10 to add: Rachel from Peanut Couture informed me about a great recipe she has for a baked challah french toast casserole and I asked her for the recipe. See below in the comments section for the recipe. I haven’t tried it out yet, but doesn’t it sound delicious?