John Varvatos,  Hugo Boss, Christian Dior, and Cole Haan are just some of the labels you can find in his closet. When we travel, he spends time seeking out good tailors to make custom-made clothes. Gorgeous suits from Argentina. Beautiful button-down shirts from Thailand.  When he dresses down in t-shirts and shorts, he still looks good. The guy even looks stylish when he’s going for a six mile run.

So, it was with a mix of shock and horror when he came home with a new t-shirt that he ordered online:

No. Just no.

“What IS that!?!” I asked him, unable to mask my disgust.

“My new shirt! Isn’t it cool?” he exclaimed with delight.

“You’re joking, right? You’re not actually going to wear that in public, are you?”

“Of course! It’s funny and the Monkey will love it”

“Who are you?”

Is fatherhood to blame? As the Monkey gets older, does the Dude want to become younger…or at least dress the part? What’s next? Will he start wearing baseball caps backwards or lowering his jeans to inappropriately obscene levels?  I believe this t-shirt may be the gateway t-shirt to a wardrobe filled with stuff that teenage boys would wear.

I am seeking a few answers from the Dude. But for now, the offending t-shirt has been relegated to the bottom of a drawer…awaiting shipment to my 14 year old half-brother.

Whether the young man had a politically based motive to kill Rep. Giffords or not is still speculation. But what we do know is that the alleged murderer is obviously and clearly a very troubled person. What we do know is that he lives with his parents and that others who knew him also knew that something was wrong. So the only question I have right now is this: why didn’t anyone help him?

When we know someone who is troubled, delusional, and unstable, the signs will be there. Someone with the internal rage, delusional behavior, and unstable thought process like this young man exhibited will not be able to hide it easily.  So why was he ignored? As we know all too well, if we ignore, avoid, or deny the serious mental health problems of those we know, it may only result in tragic consequences for that person and/or for others. In fact, recent research has shown the correlation to untreated mental health problems and violence…and the problem is on the rise.

So what do we do when we know someone who needs psychological help? If the problem is critical and you have reason to believe that a person is a threat to themselves or others, it is imperative to call an emergency helpline or the police. An involuntary hold may be necessary for psychological assessment and treatment. If you don’t have reason to believe that the person is a threat to themselves or others, there are other options to get them the help they need. First, call their doctor and explain your observations. If they do not have a doctor, call your State’s department of mental health, social services department, or a local hospital to get the assistance you need. The person may or may not be willing to get help, but there are resources for you to get them assistance if they are uncooperative. Make sure to be supportive towards the person and offer to go with them to their appointments. Be understanding, compassionate, kind, and respect their feelings. It is scary to get treatment for psychological problems, so be mindful of their emotions.

Signs that someone may need immediate psychological help:

1. The person cannot function well in day to day life. He or she has major problems in school, staying in school, keeping a job, or has problems creating and maintaining healthy relationships with others.
2. The person has frequent confrontations with others, outbursts of rage, or gets into fights.
3. The person has frequent mood-swings and major highs and lows.
4. The person has prolonged sadness or irritability (depression).
5. The person is anti-social, keeps to themselves, and is very withdrawn.
6. The person exhibits paranoid or obsessive behavior and has excessive fears and worries.
7. The person exhibits delusions or hallucinations.
8. The person has dramatic changes in eating and sleeping patterns.
9. The person is often confused.
10. The person has a substance abuse problem.
11. The person denies their symptoms.

Tens of millions of people in the U.S. have mental health problem and the vast majority are not a threat to themselves or others. However, there are those who are and who will need immediate care. No one can say the tragedy in Tucson could have been avoided if this young man received the psychological help he obviously needs. However, if any change can stem from this tragedy, it’s that more people will be tuned into the mental health needs of those in our lives and help them get the psychological assistance they need.

With about a dozen other couples, we picked out a recipe to create for the family style meal we would all share later in the evening.  We had a variety of menu items to choose from: crostini with fresh mozzarella, butternut squash soup, Caesar salad with homemade croutons, chicken piccata, grilled skirt steak with garlic mashed potatoes, homemade pasta with fresh tomato basil sauce, and chocolate souffle for dessert.

I think the point of cooking class is to challenge yourself with something new and to create a dish you have never made before. However, we were slow to sign up and the most challenging menu items were already taken (read: souffle). We signed up for the pasta dish even though one of our own specialties is homemade pasta. So, we weren’t going to be challenged much but, with our bottle of red wine handy, we knew that we would at least have a lot of fun.

(click on pics to open and expand)

We had a great time cooking, taking silly pictures, and meeting other cooks in the kitchen. The couple that made the crostini appetizers passed them around while the rest of us finished our entrees.  When our meals were ready, we placed our dishes on a long buffet table. With the hard work complete, we were all able to sit down, relax, and enjoy our wine and everyone’s dishes.

Cooking classes can be as challenging or easy as you want them to be, but you will likely have an enjoyable time nonetheless. Whether you’ve been formally trained or don’t even know how to boil water, cooking class is a fun date night with your significant other or with a group of friends. Plus, you’ll hopefully learn something new!

Pasta Dough:

• 1 1/2 cups semolina flour
• 1 1/2 cups ap flour
• 1 egg yolk
• 4 eggs
• 2 Tbs. olive oil
• 1 Tbs. salt

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Knead mixture until smooth then cover the dough with plastic wrap. Let the dough rest for 1 hour before rolling out to desired shape. When boiling pasta, remember that fresh pasta boils much more quickly than dry pasta. For fresh pasta, it only takes a few minutes. Check the pasta after 3-4 minutes.

Fresh Tomato Basil Sauce:

• 1/2 onion, peeled and finely diced
• 2 garlic cloves, peeled and minced
• 2 Tb olive oil
• 5 large tomatoes, concasse (peeled, seeded, drop in boiling water for about 30 seconds)
• 2 Tb fresh basil, chopped
• 2 tsp fresh thyme, chopped
• 8 sun dried tomatoes, reconstituted (softened) and chopped fine
• salt and pepper to taste

Chop all ingredients. Heat olive oil in a sauce pan and add onion and garlic. Cook until clear. Add tomatoes, cook for 5 minutes. Add herbs and cook another 5 minutes. Salt and pepper to taste. Toss with hot pasta and serve.

Bon Appétit!

In my 3rd article, I discuss tips on how to bring romance back to a relationship after kids come into the picture. As any parent can attest, it ain’t easy to find the time or energy for intimacy. But what is easy is losing a connection with your partner when children become the main focus and priority. This article is about making the time to prioritize your relationship, especially when it seems like there is no time to spare.

Read the article in full on the TBwaP website or scroll down to read more:

Raising a family is one of the most incredible and rewarding experiences a couple can go through together. However, once a child is introduced into a relationship, romance and intimacy are often put on the back-burner. Gone are the days of random romantic dinners, last-minute getaways, and lazy days cuddling on the couch watching a movie. But having children does not mean that romance must die, but you may need to change how you define it!

• Romance starts with kindness and caring. Saying “I love you” to each other is important, but it’s even more important to show it often with your behavior and actions.  Whether it means making that first cup of coffee in the morning for your husband or letting your wife sleep in after a 3 AM breastfeeding, these little things add up quickly and show your partner that you care.

• Couples will inevitably disagree at times and co-parenting together can often bring a difference of opinion. Just remember to treat each other kindly and with respect, especially during a disagreement or argument in front of your children.

• Compliment your partner and let him or her know that they are attractive to you. Give your partner other positive feedback beyond their looks, like when they do a great job with dinner, pick up groceries, take the dry cleaning in without asking, or manage to keep the house clean while watching the kids for a few hours.

• Dividing up responsibilities (chores, taking care of the children) gives you more time for each other. For example, one parent cooks dinner while the other does the dishes. One parent bathes the children while the other reads bedtime stories. Sharing responsibilities in a way that both parents find fair is more efficient and alleviates the possibility of resentment towards each other.

• Keep the kids on a bedtime schedule.  Take their bedtime as an opportunity to spend time with your partner. If the children are in bed by 9pm, take a few minutes to finish up any e-mails or personal things and then turn off the phone and computer. The chores can wait too- take that uninterrupted time to your advantage. Watch a TV show or movie together, play a board game, or just talk.

• Go to bed at the same time and try to avoid conflict and arguments before you go to sleep. Your bedroom should be a room for calm and peace; a sanctuary away from the busy life you and your partner lead during the day. Keep your bedroom free from distractions (no TV or computers!) and fill it with only pleasant conversation and intimacy.

• Don’t fret over a dwindling sex-life. It’s typical of long-term couples, and being intimate doesn’t only mean sex. Being intimate also means rubbing your partner’s shoulders after a long day, stroking their hair, holding hands, hugging, kissing, teasing each other and laughing, sending flirty texts or e-mails, or leaving sweet notes in a purse or briefcase. If you want to improve your sex life, show more affection. If you feel like you’re not getting enough affection from your partner, speak up and share those feelings and desires.

• If you’re having trouble feeling romantic towards your partner, look back to when you first started dating. What was your 1st, 2nd, or 5th date like for you? What kinds of feelings did you have when your first met? What attracted you to your partner? The longer the relationship and the more stresses applied to it (like children), the more complacent one becomes, so once in a while you may need to reconnect with what brought you together in the first place.

Did I miss anything? Please comment if you have any suggestions or tips of your own!

His & Her jeans. Guess which is which.

The Dude is about 2 inches shorter than me. On a good day.

There are days when we’re about the same height, like when I’m in flats and he’s wearing his fancy Cole Haans. And then there are days when I’m about 5 inches taller. Those are the days I wear heels. Those days are few and far between. It’s not because I care about being so much taller than the Dude. It’s because I’m clumsy enough as it is wearing flats.

I’m 5’9 and, before I met the Dude, I usually only dated men taller than me. I didn’t have anything against dating shorter men. Really. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Shorter guys never approached me and I was much too shy to approach anyone, let alone a cute shorter dude that didn’t even look my way. As soon as I sprouted in junior high to become the 2nd tallest girl in the class, the guys immediately stopped teasing and flirting with me. Instead, they asked me to play on their recess basketball teams. In high school, the cute short girls snagged all of my crushes, many of whom were my height or shorter. I never saw tall girls and short boys together. It was only when Tom Cruise married Nicole Kidman that I believed that there were people out there that didn’t give a crap about height.

How many times have you heard a woman say that she would never date a man shorter than her or a man say that he only likes women a certain height?  It’s the kind of stuff I heard in high school and continue to hear well into my 30′s. What gives?

I suppose there is some sort of biological or societal instinct for women to date taller and bigger men. Big and tall men are seen as protectors and women like feeling secure in their man’s arms. Many men also have that urge to protect and shelter their woman. Is this need based on the hunter-gatherer mentality passed down through the generations, is it something biologically driven, or is it founded on simple vanity influenced by media images and societal standards? The only thing I left out is simply this – men, on average, are taller than women. Heterosexual couples usually include a taller man and a shorter woman because that is what is usually available. But what if the best man or woman for you comes in a package that’s shorter or taller than you expected?

Here’s the thing I wonder about – how many amazing people have  been ignored by others only because they didn’t meet a certain height criteria.  How many incredible love stories have never been told because a man or woman was too short or too tall.  If I had cared that much about height difference, then there is a good chance I never would have dated the Dude. He clearly didn’t care about the height difference and pursued me anyways. That kind of confidence was something I had never seen before in another man. Getting to know him early on our relationship, I found everything I had been looking for in a man (and then some) but had never found. We’ve been together over 7 years now and the only time the height difference comes up is when we joke around about me keeping stuff out of his reach on the high kitchen shelves.

I see a lot more couples these days that don’t care about height. Every time I see another taller woman/shorter man couple on the street, I want to give them a high-five. I have to be honest, it’s very cool to see. Thanks to Tom Cruise and other celebs, we’re seeing it a lot more in the media as well. As soon as I see a love story in a movie about a much taller woman and a shorter man (and not one portrayed by actors that really are but have been disguised for us to think otherwise), I’ll know that our society has moved forward with this whole height difference hang-up.

All of this is to say that if your height criteria is the first thing you assess (and then reject) in a potential partner, you have no idea what you might be missing out on. Reject someone because they don’t treat you well or have an attitude problem, not because they’re two inches shorter than your standards. If you’re looking for love, don’t initially discriminate against those aren’t as tall or short as you had hoped.  The love of your life might be right under your nose. Literally.

As you settle into your 30′s, there’s a good chance that you’re no longer a professional student or floating from one dead-end job to another.   You probably have a career or a career on hold while you’re raising children.   Although more and more people are holding off on marriage and children well into their 30′s (or abandoning that lifestyle all together), there is a whole host of other responsibilities that people in their 30′s usually have accrued. Maybe you have a demanding career, a mortgage or high rent, and car payments. And school loans from college or for that MA degree from when you were 25 that you may or may not have actually needed. The 30′s are a time when we become more knowledgeable about who we are and what we need in life to make us happy. However, reaching that place of happiness and staying there can easily make the most calm and collected of us into anxious nervous-wrecks.

Societal and familial values, in addition to biological urges,  have created a simple plan for us to follow – school, career, marriage, house, dog, children. Because of that, many people in their 20′s look at their 30′s as a time to get serious, settle down, and work even harder to get ahead. But then we arrive in our 30′s and get nervous when things don’t go as planned.

When our lives do follow that constructed order for how things should go, we now have to live up to the lifestyle. We have to make sure we can support our families, work hard in our careers, pay our bills, nurture our marriage/partnership, and keep our kids healthy, educated, and safe. We don’t have the luxury of having very few responsibilities. We need to raise our kids well, which includes wanting them to excel in school, sports, and arts. We worry about saving money for college as soon as we read the positive  pregnancy test. We work hard to make sure we can always afford everything we want for ourselves and our family.  And we’re so busy raising children and working on our careers, that our marriages, partnerships, and friendships can easily suffer.  A simple kinda life really isn’t so simple. Is it any wonder why so many of us are anxious?

There is no easy answer when it comes to avoiding the common anxiety associated with having expectations and ambitions. If we want marriage/partnership, children, a successful career, the picket fence – in essence, the proverbial “having it all” ambition that many of us share – then we must prepare ourselves for the emotional and mental toll it can take on us. Anxiety is a part of life and we need to accept it.

When we’re inundated with responsibilities, pressures, and the need to “prove something,”  it’s easy to get caught up in a vicious cycle of anxiety. We may interpret anxiety as something wrong when it can simply be a signal to us that something needs to change. Anxiety can actually be very healthy since it can motivate and strengthen us. However, when anxiety is compounded with irrational thinking, we are easily weakened by it. As challenging as it can be, we need to tune into our anxiety and learn how to use it to our advantage. Anxiety signals us when we need to work harder and “up our game” and it can also signal us to relax and let it go. It’s not easy to learn those signals but, whatever you do, don’t ignore the signs of stress and anxiety. Avoiding your stress will only exacerbate it and possibly cause physical symptoms as well. Confronting your stress and anxiety in a positive manner is the most beneficial way to deal with it. When you’re feeling overwhelmed by life, talk through your challenges. Have positive coping tools at the ready, such as taking a walk, practicing yoga, writing, or just taking time to be with friends and family.

Marriage/partnership, career, home, children – the 30′s is often a span in one’s life that is filled with many ups and downs, huge transitions, and great expectations.  The 30′s will often challenge most of us and it’s in those challenging times that we need to focus on everything good in our life. If we want more for ourselves, we need to be pragmatic and realistic. But one thing is for sure  – we can’t allow our self-worth to be determined by what we have and have not accomplished. I think that’s one lesson to be learned at any age.

Disclaimer: I am a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

I have been offered TWO copies of this book for a give-away! To enter the It’s Not PMS, It’s You! give-away, please leave a comment below. You can also post an additional comment for each of the following: subscribe to AYMB, follow AYMB on Twitter, tweet about this give-away, and/or post about this give-away on your blog or Facebook page. This give-away is for U.S. and Canada residents only.

I will use www.random.org to select two winners for this giveaway on Tuesday, August 10, 2010.

Good luck!

Disclaimer: I was given one copy of It’s Not PMS, It’s You! and two additional copies for the purpose of a give-away, courtesy of Sterling Publishing Company.

I was 20 years old and away at college when my brother was born. I was in graduate school when my sister was born. Since we’re decades of age apart, didn’t grow up together, and live across the country from each other, I obviously don’t have a normal sisterly relationship with them. I love them as I do the sister and brother I grew up with, but it’s a very different relationship.  Over time, I have developed a dynamic with them that seems half-mother/half-sister. When you’re old enough to be the mother of your siblings (and often get mistaken for the mom…ugh), it’s easy to find yourself playing the mom role just as easily as it is to be the sister.

During our visits, I find myself shifting between this mother role and the sister role. I can ask my brother and sister to help with dinner, stop running down the hardwood stairs in slippery socks, or clean up after themselves just as easily as I can find myself on the couch with them playing DJ Hero, teasing and giggling with them as if I were their age.  At the same time, I need to monitor myself like I would with any other kids around, like watch my language and avoid inappropriate topics.  And when topics come up that aren’t necessarily inappropriate, but definitely on the serious side, it can be confusing as to how to handle it. For one thing, my sister and brother aren’t even half as sheltered as I was growing up. It’s not because of how they are parented but rather it’s due to the world they and their friends live in. Their access to the world is staggering and their precociousness is reminiscent of my young adult self and certainly not my tween and teen self.

As I walked along with my 10 year old sister one day last week, we got to talking about marriage. As we passed by a gay couple on the street, our conversation led to gay relationships and marriage. When I mentioned that gay marriage is not legal here in California, she stopped walking. Looking incredulous and surprised, she looked up at me and said, “Wait, gay marriage isn’t legal here?!?” I could only respond, “No, it isn’t.” She was silent for a few minutes, which is unusual for her, and pondered that.

Perhaps it was my tone that ended the conversation. It was a tone that took me back to my own youth when I asked questions of my parents that could not easily be explained. I became a mother in that tone, even though I wanted to talk like a sister. But I couldn’t do that. How could I possibly respond to a 10 year old that lives in a State where gay marriage is legal and explain why it isn’t legal everywhere? How could I explain to her that those of us who support gay rights and equality were outvoted by those who do not. I didn’t necessarily want to have that conversation, only because it makes me angry and upset. I didn’t want to put that on my 10 year old sister when, even though she is shockingly mature and smart, she’s simply not old enough to listen to what I have to say about the subject. One day, we’ll have that conversation. But, at that moment in time, I simply changed the subject and started teasing her like any other big sister.

Anger and rage are not the same. Anger, when expressed in a civilized and controlled way, is a healthy feeling and expression. When anger is suppressed, it only damages the person holding it inside. But when anger is expressed in a volatile way, such as Mr. Gibson’s case, it is beyond anger. It is rage. Anger is not violent. It is not harmful. On the contrary, expressed angry can be healthy and constructive. Rage is not. Rage is distressing. It is harmful. It is emotionally abusive.

Everyone gets angry at some point or another, but not everyone deals with anger the same way. There are three ways people tend to deal with anger: avoid anger, explode with anger, or express anger in a healthy and positive way. Women, more often than men, tend to avoid expressing anger while more men than women explode with anger. Women tend to internalize their anger and suffer in silence. There could be various reasons for that, but it is especially the case when a women is in an abusive relationship.  Women who are in relationships with men that explode with anger often suppress their own anger and other emotions.  They fear that expressing their own anger will set their husband or partner off. And, rightfully so, in many cases.

People that explode with anger, men or women, exert rage as a form of dominance, control, and manipulation. On the extreme side, such as in the case of Mel Gibson, they will fly into a rage and use physical violence or the threat of it to coerce a partner and exert power. The abuser will then use their out-of-control rage as an excuse and justification for their actions. “She made me do it” or “I hit her because she made me angry” is often expressed. Blaming the victim is the norm when it comes to people who explode with anger. They rarely take responsibility for their actions.

Was Mel Gibson physically abused as a boy? Was he bullied? Was he raised to have contempt for women and other minorities? Does he see them as weak and inferior? Was he raised, like so many boys, to hide his vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and feelings? Does any of that matter? To some degree, yes, but the most important task for Mel Gibson to do now is to get help for his behavior and actions. He needs to take responsibility for his abusive behavior. He needs to own his rage. He needs to change for his children, his baby girl, and everyone else in his life. But, perhaps most importantly, he needs to change for himself. Living life as an angry man, an abusive man, a man filled with rage, and one who cannot take responsibility for his actions is, at the root of everything, a man who is miserable.

[disclaimer]

The best moments in life are not filled with words. Only love. The Dude and The Monkey, on vacation, in 2008.

Seven years ago, this week, I was introduced to the Dude by my sister.

Before I met him, there was a trend with most of the guys I dated. The more I got to know them, the less I liked them. The opposite was true with the Dude. After every e-mail, phone call, or date, I liked him even more. Within a month, I knew this guy had *The One* potential. But what really locked my heart up was something he said to me shortly after we started dating.

During one of our many conversations about life ambitions, goals, and dreams, the Dude mentioned that he could not wait to be a father. That really floored me, mostly because having kids was the last thing on my mind. I had too many other important things to do, like finish my graduate degree and get a promotion. But here was this highly ambitious and successful 26 year old man telling me that the most important thing he ever wanted to become was a good dad. In that same conversation, he questioned how he would be able to handle the task of working grueling hours at a law firm and being present for his future kids.  He wanted to be there for every milestone, every first day of school, every parent-teacher meeting, and every soccer game. In fact, he wanted to coach the soccer team.  He told me right then and there that he would quit his job if it meant he couldn’t be there for his kids. Despite not knowing him very well at the time, I believed him. Seven years and one kid later, I still believe him. Because it’s true.

When I became pregnant with the Monkey, the Dude became more and more anxious. He was a fast-rising star in his San Francisco law firm, but he (and we) paid the consequences for it. Working late hours and all weekend became the norm. Dinner reservations would be canceled, trips would be postponed, and many hot meals that I cooked became cold leftovers for the next day. It was a miracle if we could get to bed at the same time. We were not able to spend quality time together and neither one of us was happy about it. When our Monkey was born, the Dude took 2 months off of work to help with the baby. It was a financial and career sacrifice, but it was something the Dude insisted on doing for our family. Being with his newborn son 24 hours a day was an incredibly special time for all of us, which made it all the harder when he finally went back to work. Once again, the late nights at the office and working weekends became our routine.  We started talking about Plan B but, what that plan was, we didn’t know. All we knew was that something had to change.

Something did change. When the Monkey was 5 months old, the Dude received a job offer in Southern California. It meant that he could work normal business hours. It meant dinner at home every night and family weekends. It meant that vacations didn’t need to be postponed. It meant that family life was the priority and that the Dude no longer had to worry about missing anything. It also meant a pay-cut and that he was no longer on partner-track at a law firm. But, if you ask him, that wasn’t much of a sacrifice. The ultimate sacrifice in life is when you’re sacrificing valuable time with your kids and family.

I know now why I never anticipated having a child. It’s only because I had never met anyone I wanted to have a child with until I met the Dude.  I knew from the start that he would make a good dad and I was right. It’s the best thing I’ve ever been right about. He is a good dad and one that only gets better at it each and every day. That alone makes me love him more every day.

Happy Father’s Day to the Dude, my own wonderful father, grandfather, father-in-law, brother and all the other good dads out there. You are loved and appreciated. Keep doing what you’re doing…and continue to help inspire the next generation of good dads.