My father, my half-brother and my half-sister flew in from the the East Coast for a visit last week. My half-brother is 14 and my half-sister is 10.

I was 20 years old and away at college when my brother was born. I was in graduate school when my sister was born. Since we’re decades of age apart, didn’t grow up together, and live across the country from each other, I obviously don’t have a normal sisterly relationship with them. I love them as I do the sister and brother I grew up with, but it’s a very different relationship.  Over time, I have developed a dynamic with them that is seems half-mother/half-sister. When you’re old enough to be the mother of your siblings (and often get mistaken for the mom…ugh), it’s easy to find yourself playing the mom role just as easily as it is to be the sister.

During our visits, I find myself shifting between this mother role and the sister role. I can ask my brother and sister to help with dinner, stop running down the hardwood stairs in slippery socks, or clean up after themselves just as easily as I can find myself on the couch with them playing DJ Hero, teasing and giggling with them as if I were their age.  At the same time, I need to monitor myself like I would with any other kids around, like watch my language and avoid inappropriate topics.  And when topics come up that aren’t necessarily inappropriate, but definitely on the serious side, it can be confusing as to how to handle it. For one thing, my sister and brother aren’t even half as sheltered as I was growing up. It’s not because of how they are parented but rather it’s due to the world they and their friends live in. Their access to the world is staggering and their precociousness is reminiscent of my young adult self and certainly not my tween and teen self.

As I walked along with my 10 year old sister one day last week, we got to talking about marriage. As we passed by a gay couple on the street, our conversation led to gay relationships and marriage. When I mentioned that gay marriage is not legal here in California, she stopped walking. Looking incredulous and surprised, she looked up at me and said, “Wait, gay marriage isn’t legal here?!?” I could only respond, “No, it isn’t.” She was silent for a few minutes, which is unusual for her, and pondered that.

Perhaps it was my tone that ended the conversation. It was a tone that took me back to my own youth when I asked questions of my parents that could not easily be explained. I became a mother in that tone, even though I wanted to talk like a sister. But I couldn’t do that. How could I possibly respond to a 10 year old that lives in a State where gay marriage is legal and explain why it isn’t legal everywhere? How could I explain to her that those of us who support gay rights and equality were outvoted by those who do not. I didn’t necessarily want to have that conversation, only because it makes me angry and upset. I didn’t want to put that on my 10 year old sister when, even though she is shockingly mature and smart, she’s simply not old enough to listen to what I have to say about the subject. One day, we’ll have that conversation. But, at that moment in time, I simply changed the subject and started teasing her like any other big sister.

I read what Mel Gibson said in those tapes to his ex-girlfriend. I didn’t actually hear the tapes, but I read the dialogue. Like most people who heard or read the words that came out of Mr. Gibson’s mouth, I was disgusted. It’s pretty easy to suggest that Mr. Gibson is racist, bigoted, and misogynistic. Ever since that alcohol-fueled episode in 2006, it’s been apparent to the public that Mel Gibson deals with demons. But, these recent tapes were more chilling. These words were directed to the mother of his infant child. They were scary and hateful. The venomous words that spewed from Mr. Gibson’s mouth were beyond misogyny and racism. They were filled with rage.

Anger and rage are not the same. Anger, when expressed in a civilized and controlled way, is a healthy feeling and expression. When anger is suppressed, it only damages the person holding it inside. But when anger is expressed in a volatile way, such as Mr. Gibson’s case, it is beyond anger. It is rage. Anger is not violent. It is not harmful. On the contrary, expressed angry can be healthy and constructive. Rage is not. Rage is distressing. It is harmful. It is emotionally abusive.

Everyone gets angry at some point or another, but not everyone deals with anger the same way. There are three ways people tend to deal with anger: avoid anger, explode with anger, or express anger in a healthy and positive way. Women, more often than men, tend to avoid expressing anger while more men than women explode with anger. Women tend to internalize their anger and suffer in silence. There could be various reasons for that, but it is especially the case when a women is in an abusive relationship.  Women who are in relationships with men that explode with anger often suppress their own anger and other emotions.  They fear that expressing their own anger will set their husband or partner off. And, rightfully so, in many cases.

People that explode with anger, men or women, exert rage as a form of dominance, control, and manipulation. On the extreme side, such as in the case of Mel Gibson, they will fly into a rage and use physical violence or the threat of it to coerce a partner and exert power. The abuser will then use their out-of-control rage as an excuse and justification for their actions. “She made me do it” or “I hit her because she made me angry” is often expressed. Blaming the victim is the norm when it comes to people who explode with anger. They rarely take responsibility for their actions.

Was Mel Gibson physically abused as a boy? Was he bullied? Was he raised to have contempt for women and other minorities? Does he see them as weak and inferior? Was he raised, like so many boys, to hide his vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and feelings? Does any of that matter? To some degree, yes, but the most important task for Mel Gibson to do now is to get help for his behavior and actions. He needs to take responsibility for his abusive behavior. He needs to own his rage. He needs to change for his children, his baby girl, and everyone else in his life. But, perhaps most importantly, he needs to change for himself. Living life as an angry man, an abusive man, a man filled with rage, and one who cannot take responsibility for his actions is, at the root of everything, a man who is miserable.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

The best moments in life are not filled with words. Only love. The Dude and The Monkey, on vacation, in 2008.

Seven years ago, this week, I was introduced to the Dude by my sister.

Before I met him, there was a trend with most of the guys I dated. The more I got to know them, the less I liked them. The opposite was true with the Dude. After every e-mail, phone call, or date, I liked him even more. Within a month, I knew this guy had *The One* potential. But what really locked my heart up was something he said to me shortly after we started dating.

During one of our many conversations about life ambitions, goals, and dreams, the Dude mentioned that he could not wait to be a father. That really floored me, mostly because having kids was the last thing on my mind. I had too many other important things to do, like finish my graduate degree and get a promotion. But here was this highly ambitious and successful 26 year old man telling me that the most important thing he ever wanted to become was a good dad. In that same conversation, he questioned how he would be able to handle the task of working grueling hours at a law firm and being present for his future kids.  He wanted to be there for every milestone, every first day of school, every parent-teacher meeting, and every soccer game. In fact, he wanted to coach the soccer team.  He told me right then and there that he would quit his job if it meant he couldn’t be there for his kids. Despite not knowing him very well at the time, I believed him. Seven years and one kid later, I still believe him. Because it’s true.

When I became pregnant with the Monkey, the Dude became more and more anxious. He was a fast-rising star in his San Francisco law firm, but he (and we) paid the consequences for it. Working late hours and all weekend became the norm. Dinner reservations would be canceled, trips would be postponed, and many hot meals that I cooked became cold leftovers for the next day. It was a miracle if we could get to bed at the same time. We were not able to spend quality time together and neither one of us was happy about it. When our Monkey was born, the Dude took 2 months off of work to help with the baby. It was a financial and career sacrifice, but it was something the Dude insisted on doing for our family. Being with his newborn son 24 hours a day was an incredibly special time for all of us, which made it all the harder when he finally went back to work. Once again, the late nights at the office and working weekends became our routine.  We started talking about Plan B but, what that plan was, we didn’t know. All we knew was that something had to change.

Something did change. When the Monkey was 5 months old, the Dude received a job offer in Southern California. It meant that he could work normal business hours. It meant dinner at home every night and family weekends. It meant that vacations didn’t need to be postponed. It meant that family life was the priority and that the Dude no longer had to worry about missing anything. It also meant a pay-cut and that he was no longer on partner-track at a law firm. But, if you ask him, that wasn’t much of a sacrifice. The ultimate sacrifice in life is when you’re sacrificing valuable time with your kids and family.

I know now why I never anticipated having a child. It’s only because I had never met anyone I wanted to have a child with until I met the Dude.  I knew from the start that he would make a good dad and I was right. It’s the best thing I’ve ever been right about. He is a good dad and one that only gets better at it each and every day. That alone makes me love him more every day.

Happy Father’s Day to the Dude, my own wonderful father, grandfather, father-in-law, brother and all the other good dads out there. You are loved and appreciated. Keep doing what you’re doing…and continue to help inspire the next generation of good dads.

While at my neighborhood park the other day, I started chatting with a mom while our boys played together on the playset. This isn’t unusual for me since I tend to strike up conversations with other parents at the park, especially if our kids are interacting together. I’ll exchange a few pleasantries, chat about the kids, and then go on my way. Maybe I’ll see them again, but often I don’t. It doesn’t matter much to me anyways.

But this time was different.

This mom was really cool and I liked her immediately.  We simply had one of those conversations that just *clicked.* Within a matter of minutes, we learned a great deal about each other and discovered we had quite a bit in common. I felt a connection and wanted to get know her more. I could tell she felt the same way, too. But, then the Dude arrived at the park to surprise the Monkey and, after an introduction and a few more minutes of chatting, she turned away to run after her boys and we started getting ready to head home. I didn’t quite know how to approach her after that, so I left without getting her digits.

I learned something that day. Picking up on other moms is hard to do.

It’s one thing to meet new mom (or dad) friends at playgroups, sports, lessons, or through school, but how do you ignite a friendship with someone you just met and connected with…but have no way of knowing if you’ll ever see them again? Is it weird to ask for a number or e-mail address (or offer your own) in a matter of minutes? I don’t have much, if any experience with this sort of thing. Nearly everyone I call a friend just somehow became a part of my world, mostly through regular interactions at places like work or school or through mutual friends. Between my real life friends, acquaintances,  and online community of blogging buddies, I don’t actively look to expand my social network.  But, just like when you’re looking for romance, friendships can often be found when you’re least expecting it.

I have a new appreciation for the men and women who are confident and brave enough to ask someone they just met for their information. I’m sure they fail at times, but I’m certain they ultimately succeed as well. And what’s the big deal if someone says no, right? At least they took a chance and asked.

I think I missed an opportunity to become friends with someone I thought was really cool. I hope I see her at the park again one day. And, if I do, I’ll make sure to take a chance.

As I mentioned in a blog post a few weeks ago, April is Alcohol Awareness Month.

That blog post was about the importance of talking to your children about alcohol and I link to a great website developed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Now I want to take this discussion even further and dispense a little more information about alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, and alcohol facts, in general. Why? Because there are millions of people affected by alcohol everyday, whether it’s due to their own alcohol problem or because someone they love has a problem. The U.S. has one of the highest rates of alcohol abuse and dependence in the world and most people know at least one person who has a problem with alcohol. People with alcohol problems need help. It is not something that can be cured on its own without treatment and support. It is something that needs to be recognized and addressed. Treatment for alcohol abuse and dependence is imperative, not only for the health of the person with the problem but for everyone else in their life as well.

What is Alcoholism?

I don’t use the term *alcoholic.* The term *alcoholic* is not a medical or legal term. Instead, I use the terms *alcohol abuse* and *alcohol dependence*.  Both can easily be lumped into the term *alcoholic,* but there is a difference:

Alcohol Abuse is the compulsive use of alcohol, using alcohol in excess and during substantial periods of time, planning and thinking about it often, and continuing to use it despite problems. Abusing alcohol impacts relationships and will often impair the ability to function day-to-day.

Alcohol Dependence is a physiological dependence where symptoms for withdrawal will occur after 12 hours of stopping use. Withdrawal symptoms include trembling, sweating, heart palpitations, vomiting, nausea, seizures, delirium, and possible death. Unlike withdrawal from narcotics, withdrawal from alcohol can result in death without in-patient care. You read that correctly: It is the only substance where there is a risk of death during the withdrawal process. Another important piece of information to note is that adolescents do not experience alcohol withdrawal, which is most likely due to the difference in their liver function.

Just because someone abuses alcohol does not mean they are necessarily dependent on alcohol. At least, not yet. Only someone who craves alcohol, needs a large quantity of alcohol to get *high*, cannot stop drinking, and experiences withdrawal symptoms can be defined as alcohol dependent. However, both categories of drinkers will require assistance to quit.

Long-Term Physical Effects of Excessive Alcohol Use in Men:

• Lowered amounts of testosterone.
• Reddening of face, nose, and eyes.
• A shelf-like appearance on the stomach or “beer belly”. This is actually due to the expansion of the liver.
• Breast development and widening of hips.

Long-Term Physical Effects of Excessive Alcohol Use in Women:

• Lowered amount of estrogen.
• Hips narrowed and figure becomes more boxy.
• Development of facial hair.
• Skin discoloration, including a reddening of skin.

Long-Term Medical Effects of Excessive Alcohol Use in Both Men and Women:

• Cardiomypathy, which is the enlargement of the heart. Alcohol weakens heart tissue and the heart will grow to compensate.
• Chronic medical conditions such as liver cirrhosis, various cancers, high blood pressure, psychological problems, and pancreatitis.
• Alcohol kills brain cells. Organic dementia can occur over time, which is caused by parts of the brain dying.
• Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome can happen over time. One major symptom is lying, which might actually be subconscious compensation for memory loss.
• Malnutrition. Not only does alcohol kill vitamins but people who are alcohol dependent do not eat properly or enough.

Biggest Misconceptions About Alcohol Use:

• Nothing can actually block or absorb alcohol. Eating before you drink can slow down the process of the alcohol entering the bloodstream, but only by mere seconds. It will not change the level of alcohol that will enter the bloodstream.
• Nothing can remove the alcohol from your bloodstream. Only time can do that. Cold showers, fresh air, or coffee will not sober a person up. They will simply turn a drunk person into a wide-awake drunk person.
• Alcohol is a depressant but it does not help you sleep more soundly. Alcohol can move a person into sleep more quickly but it inhibits the Delta phase of sleep, which is the deepest stage of the sleep cycle.
• Think that a shot of whiskey has more alcohol than a glass of wine or a bottle of beer? Wrong. The alcohol content in a 1.5 ounce shot of hard liquor is comparable to a 5 oz glass of wine or a 12 oz bottle of beer. The amount of ethanol is what affects people, not the type of drink.
• You will not always react the same way to alcohol. Your tolerance level fluctuates depending on weight, age,  sex, metabolism, and how often and how much you regularly drink.

Becoming Aware of Alcohol Use

Aside from the physical problems, there are a number of issues that are generated from problematic alcohol use. These are just some of the questions that help counselors identify an alcohol problem:

• How much do you drink every day or every week?
  
• Do you drink so much that you have to use a day (or several days) to recover?
  
• Have you lost relationships or jobs because of your drinking?
  
• Have you dropped classes or quit school because of drinking?
  
• Do you avoid friends and family because you are drinking?
  
• Do you cancel plans because of your drinking?
  
• Do you avoid certain people because they talk to you about your drinking habits?
  
• Have you had a DUI?
  
• Do you have health problems, like frequent headaches, weakness, or tremors?
  
• How much money do you spend on alcohol in one week?

If it’s determined that there is a problem, the next obvious step is treatment and support. Many people go to treatment willingly while others need to be coerced via interventions. It does not matter whether or not the person went to treatment willingly, the success rate remains about equal.

Treatment

Alcohol dependency requires in-patient care in order to properly monitor and treat the withdrawal process. Once a person has gone through alcohol withdrawal, it is still imperative to continue a life-long course of action to prevent a relapse. The addiction component is never cured and will need to be managed for the rest of their life.

There is no one right way to treat alcohol abuse and it can be a process to find the right course of treatment and recovery. It is also ideal that family and friends get support as well. For people that need help or for those who need help supporting someone they love, here is a list of a few support groups and treatment resources:

Alcoholics Anonymous World Services – A worldwide self-supporting fellowship of sober alcoholics whose recovery is based on 12-steps.

Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters – A free non-profit organization that supports family members and friends of alcoholics.

Alateen - A fellowship through Al-Anon, this organization helps young people who are affected by someone else’s drinking.

Families Anonymous, Inc. – A worldwide organization that offers 12-step, self-help programs for families and friends of alcoholics.

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. – an organization that provides resources and referrals on how to overcome alcohol and drug addiction.

Toughlove International – A national self-help organization for parents, children, and communities.

Do not delay in getting help for yourself or for someone that needs it. Lives, families, and communities depend on it.

Please share any comments or questions.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

I walked along the beach with my 90 year old grandfather over the weekend. He lost his wife, my beloved grandmother, on January 1st of this year. The entire family has been reeling from her passing but, obviously, no one more so than my grandpa. As we walked along the water and watched young couples and families enjoy the beautiful sunshine, he reminisced about their life together. As a couple for 70 years, they spent a very active and full life together filled with the ups and downs of business ownership, moving across country, world travel and adventures, and the joys (and pains) of parenthood, grand-parenthood, and even great-grand-parenthood.

Now that my grandmother is gone, the grandfather I once knew is missing as well. A man who was quick to laugh and share funny stories has become more subdued. A man who worked well into his 70’s and prided himself on his excellent health is now slowing down quickly. He complains about the everyday life of living in an old man’s body. He can’t sleep and he doesn’t enjoy the same things he used to, like even a walk on the beach. That was something he and grandma would do together everyday. As we walked along, it was evident that all he could think about was her and their life together.  “My partner is gone” he told me as we looked out across the ocean, “it doesn’t matter anymore.”

I didn’t ask him to elaborate what “it” meant. I knew.

His pain is the kind of pain that only the luckiest people in the world will ever know. It’s the kind of pain that I can only hope either the Dude or myself will actually experience one day, hopefully not until many many years down the road. To know this pain means that you have known a deep love that only partners in a very long and loving relationship can possibly experience.

To get to the place where my grandfather is doesn’t only take luck. Luck is simply meeting someone special. He’ll be the first to tell you that. My grandpa often tells us that he was the luckiest man in the world when he met my grandma on the beach of Coney Island back in 1940. It was also my luck when I canceled a date and instead met up with my sister at her friend’s house – that friend being the Dude. But luck doesn’t get you through 68 years of marriage. Or, in my case, even 5 years.

I often asked my grandparents about the secret to their exceptionally long marriage. My grandmother would joke that she stayed married so long because he kept her feet warm at night. My grandpa would say it was her beautiful legs. In reality, they were simply compatible and they complemented each other well. They brought out the best in each other. They enjoyed the same things, had similar values, and shared many goals. They laughed together. Often. They could keep up with each other, both sharing a keen wit and honest (sometimes brutally honest) perspective on things. They were also of the same religion and, more importantly, also shared a similar level of faith. Sure, they fought like any other couple and disagreed about many things, but they were always able to move past their disagreements. There were moments when they did not treat each other as kindly as they should have, but neither of them let those moments go unnoticed. One thing was for sure, when one was upset with the other, they would know it. And then they would move on.

People often wonder what it means to be truly compatible with someone. Does your partner have to be the mirror version of yourself? No. That would be boring and boring doesn’t make for a good relationship. Successful and healthy relationships must have three essential components that most of us already know: trust, communication, and respect. But there are other things that help sustain a lasting union and most of those things fall into the compatibility department.

When it comes to compatibility, the recipe is quite simple: similar interests, values, expectations, and life-goals. Chances are, those are some of the same things that draw you to your friends. I strongly believe that a great friendship is key to a happy marriage.  When asked who is the first person you want to talk to about something or the person you want to spend the most time with, I would hope the answer is your husband/wife/partner. Now, do the two of you need to be BFF’s that do everything together? No, of course not.  It’s highly unlikely that a couple shares every interest. With that said, it’s important to support outside interests and hobbies and maintain and nurture other friendships. However, what I find to be key for long-term relationships is that there are things that the couple loves doing together. Just like walking the beach everyday was my grandparent’s “thing”, it’s important to have at least one “thing” with your partner.

Most of what I know about marriage comes from my grandparents. They didn’t tell me how to have a happy marriage, they showed me. My grandparents certainly didn’t live some kind of fairytale life. No one has a perfect marriage. But there are those as-good-as-it-gets type of marriages, which I think easily sums up their union. We should all be so fortunate to meet someone that complements us so well and brings out the best in us. And, when we do, we should all be so dedicated to our partner and our marriage. If we’re lucky enough one day, many years down the road, some of us will fully realize what my grandfather now knows: Our life doesn’t have the same meaning without that person in it.

Disclaimer: I am a trained Marriage and Family Therapist with an MA in Counseling Psychology. While I have studied and have experience counseling clients on some of the issues I will address in the Mental Monday series, nothing I write is a substitute for medical advice or psychological counseling. Please do not rely on the content of this blog for medical or mental health care purposes.

Same-sex couples in Washington D.C. are now legally allowed to marry. For people around the world that support same-sex marriage, this day is a joyous day.

I, for one, am thrilled.

However, this day is also a bittersweet day. There are millions of people who are still not legally allowed to marry. Whether or not they even want to be married is not the point. The point is, they don’t even have the right. I want to see this changed within my lifetime, but I especially want to see this changed for our children.

So, in honor of:

• the many couples celebrating their love today by legally recognizing their commitment to one another,
• the many couples who do not yet have the right to marry, and
• future generations of the LGBT community that will hopefully never have to endure prejudice, hate, and discrimination

I would like to re-post an article I wrote about this topic back in October. This message is for all the moms out there who may not agree with this issue. This message is for all moms out there who may agree, but do not take a stand.

I urge you to reconsider.

Gay Rights: Why Mamas Need to Take a Stand Against Inequality

As a woman, I often think about the time before my birth and what my female ancestors had to endure.

For centuries, women have had to fight to establish equality in a very paternalistic society. Women had to band together to form the Suffrage Movement. Women fought for equality during the Civil Rights Movement and created the Feminist Movement when society still treated them like second-class citizens. In the last 100 years, women have been incredibly successful in overturning anti-discriminatory laws and creating new laws to protect our rights. There is no doubt that the time we live in now is markedly different than the era of our mothers and grandmothers.

As women:

• We lived without voting rights until 1920.
• We lived without FDA-approved birth-control until 1960.
• We lived without discrimination laws and equal opportunity in the workplace until 1964.
• We lived with sex-segregated employment ads until 1968.
• We lived without the Equal Pay Act until 1970.
• We lived without Title IX until 1972.
• We lived without reproductive rights until 1973.
• We lived without the Pregnancy Discrimination Ban until 1978.
• We lived without the Lily Ledbetter Act until 2009.

From our mothers to our great-great-great grandmothers, women have worked hard to ensure a better future for their daughters, and the women of today continue to take a stand against injustice and inequality. As women, we have lived with discrimination and intolerance. We have lived as second-class citizens. We have lived without laws to protect ourselves and our rights. So, I ask my mama-sisters, why aren’t we working harder to ensure a better future for our children and grandchildren? Why aren’t we doing more to stand up to injustice and inequality?

I live in California where Prop 22 passed in 2000 with 61.4% of the vote. On May 15, 2008, Prop 22 was ruled unconstitutional and invalidated. The reaction was mixed, to say the least. Financed by powerful religious organizations and anti-gay organizations, Prop 8 passed just this last year with 52.2% of the vote. I have gay friends who were able to legally marry without problem between May 15th and November 4th. I have other gay friends who missed that small window and do not have that same right. Shortly after the election, I was talking with a few women about the outcome. One mom mentioned that she was tired of all the talk and didn’t want her child exposed to people discussing gay rights. She said, in so many words – it’s so hard for kids these days anyways, so why do we need to add one more thing? I thought about that and replied, yes, it is hard. So why don’t we work to make it easier for them.

Opponents of gay equality rights often cite the Bible as a source for their discrimination. I take issue with that, especially as woman. I am a woman of faith, but I do not take the Bible as a literal and valid source for establishing laws in our society. If that were the case, then equality laws and protections for women would never have been created.

Many of us look back to our history and think, wow, how did women live in a world without equal rights? Within 10 years, I want people to look back and think the same thing. Legal discrimination against gays is a major problem of today. So, I ask you, let’s work to make sure that it’s still not a problem in 10 years. Let’s make sure that future generations look back and think, wow, how did people ever think that discrimination against gays and gay rights was acceptable?

The best place to start making a difference is in the home. As the parents, we are the primary role models for our children. They look to us for guidance on how to navigate this world and how to interact with others. If we are intolerant, discriminatory, and judgmental of others, our children will learn to do the same. Teach your children well. Teach them by being a role model for tolerance, acceptance, and for what is right. It might be your child that needs legal protections and anti-discriminatory laws in the future. But, even more so, it might be your child that needs to know they are always loved and accepted by you…no matter who they love.

Learn more about what you can do for gay rights:

Human Rights Campaign
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
Gay Rights

In California:
Courage Campaign
No on 8

No, not THIS kind of couples-dating!

In a perfect world, all of our friends partner up with people that we adore. In a perfect world, we meet other couples that we both really like. In a perfect world, we get together with our couple-friends and we enjoy spending time with both of them. Equally.

We all know this ain’t a perfect world.

One potentially challenging aspect about becoming a couple is finding other couples that you both enjoy. From both personal experience and from talking to many other couples, it’s really-really-really difficult to find other couples to date.  It’s usually the same story – either we like the wife and not the husband, we like the husband but not the wife, or we like one partner but not the other. In some cases, we don’t care for either one. And, admittedly, sometimes they don’t like one of us. Or both of us. Hard to believe, right? Right?!?

Finding other couples to hang out with be just as nerve-wracking and emotional as actual dating. When you’ve got four different personalities to contend with, the dynamic either meshes or it doesn’t. We’re lucky that we have a few couples to hang out with and that we enjoy getting together with every once in a while. It’s good to have other couples in your life, especially when they are in healthy and positive relationships. Nothing bums out a couple more than hanging around other couples that don’t get along very well. And nothing can help boost the energy within a relationship more than hanging out with positive couples that show love and respect for one another.

There are now *dating* sites that cater to couples looking for platonic friendships with other couples. The Dude and I have not used these sites so I can’t vouch for any of them. But, if you and your partner are having trouble finding other couples, maybe it’s worth a shot to check one of them out!  Millions of people find compatible dates through the Internet, so I can’t see why couples can’t find compatible couples to date, too.

Do you and your partner have great couple-friends to hang out with or have you had problems finding compatible couples? I would love to hear from you.

How do you spell T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R-N-E-S-S?

The Dude and I love to play games with one another.

Chess, Scrabble, Backgammon, Spit, Poker, Rummi-Q, DJ Hero, and Guitar Hero….once our little guy is the down for the night, we let the games begin.

Once the Monkey came into our lives, the Dude and I needed to find fun activities that we could do at home that were both fun and stimulating [insert requisite sex jokes here]. Yeah, sure, that can be fun…but I’m talking about something we can do every night [insert more requisite sex jokes here]. No, that just ain’t gonna happen.

On the nights when we need a break from our regular TV viewing, we settle in for an evening of challenge and competition. It’s all in good fun though since we tend to laugh ourselves through most games. Unless it’s Scrabble. Because then things can get ugly. But that’s just what happens when you marry an Ivy-league lawyer who majored in Rhetoric.  He knows more words in other languages than I know in English. Sad, but true.

Before the little guy came into our lives, our definition of fun was going out to dinner multiple times a week, cooking together, spending time with friends, going to shows, and traveling at a moment’s notice. Those are still fun things for us, but we just don’t have the opportunities to do them as much as we have in the past. When the majority of our nights are at home with a two year-old, the definition of fun has to broaden a bit. Spending alone time together was never considered the luxury it has now become since the Monkey was born, but we try and make sure every minute counts.

It wasn’t easy to get to this point.

Like a lot of parents with small children who finally go to sleep, I was one of those mamas who tried to maximize the most of their “free” time by doing the things that had been on my to-do list all day – e-mails, phone-calls, blogging, cleaning, etc… Sure, I was getting stuff done, but I was also neglecting the biggest thing of all: the relationship with my husband. It had become routine for us to do the things we needed to do separately and then head to bed together. Other than dinner conversation, which was spent much more on coaxing the Monkey to eat his greens and stop throwing food, we weren’t making much time to talk or just spend time together. We were simply in the same house, and often in the same room, doing our own thing.  Something had to change and we were both on the same page when we finally acknowledged that, although we were essentially together in the same room every night, we weren’t actually spending any quality time together as a couple.

It has now become our routine to make sure that the time between the Monkey’s bed-time and our own is a time for us to do something enjoyable together. We have found that playing games is one of the best ways to maximize time together because, in between the laughter and fun, it’s also a great time for us to talk and connect.

When I look at my life with the Dude, I tend to always think first of all the fun we have had (and continue to have) together. Whether it’s chasing our boisterous two year-old around the house, cooking together, traveling together, or simply sitting down together for a good game of Scrabble, those are the moments I think about and cherish the most.

Everything else can wait.

It’s time to play.

After I wrote my blog post this morning about John Edwards, my thoughts kept turning to the other person responsible for this situation.

The Other Woman.

Or perhaps we should just call her “Mama.”  There is a little girl out there who does.

Why would someone become involved with a married person? I have some ideas, especially when the married person in question is powerful and wealthy. But, whatever the reasoning (or lack thereof), it is usually a situation that will only result in heartache and stress. Or, in this case, a child that didn’t have a father for two years.

I don’t respect women (and men) that sleep with married people and I certainly don’t pity them when the situation becomes disastrous. As is often the case, potential consequences are rarely considered or simply ignored. There are various reasons why married people cheat, but it’s not usually because they are looking for love or another long-term commitment. If that were the case, they would have probably ended their marriage already. Long-term love or partnership is rarely the end result of cheating. Why? There are two reasons: one is because the majority of cheating spouses stay with their partner and the other is that affairs that begin based on secrets and lies usually end the same way.

Some people may view Ms. Hunter as the victim in this situation. Here she is,  the single mother of a child whose father denied her for the first two years of her life. It’s certainly a sad situation, but a situation that she helped create. So no, I don’t feel sorry for Ms. Hunter. The only people that have my sympathy are the family members who became  involuntary entangled in a web of deception and abuse of trust. And, of course, this especially includes the child borne from these circumstances.

Let’s just hope for the sake of their child, that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter can finally make some decisions based on truth, loyalty, trust, and commitment – to be the best parents possible to their little girl.